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Before, during and after my affairs, I always had a perspective of love and fate. I have always believed (and still do) that my BH and I would have met each other and fallen in love under any circumstances. We met at school when we were young, but I have always believed if we each went to different schools, we were destined to be together. Call it karma, fate, divine intervention....whatever. I have always had a storybook perspective on love.

We are working in our reconciliation and things are going OK for me. My BH has occasional setbacks and triggers, but for the most part, we are harmonious....I think. My BH wishes that my affairs never happened and that I could undo what I put us through. I wish that as well, but the reality is different. I viewed my affairs as a fantasy and really still do. I never planned to leave, but my ego was stroked by a liar and I became a liar as well.

I believe that I am focused more on the future in our relationship and all we have in front of us. My affairs have created a definite doubt and lack of trust in my BH which will always be part of our future, IMO. Crushing trust with a partner who places trust above everything else is irreversible. It has been hard to accept at times, but I need to make my relationship work and accept that this doubt was created by my recklessness.

Getting back to my storybook/karma type perspective. My BH conversely does not believe in fate, karma, destiny, etc. We recently discussed this and his perspective is that he would/could have been as happy with another woman and that if he chose to move on rather than reconciliation, he could/would have made it work with someone else....but he chose to stay.

It was an eye opening perspective in fantasy v. reality for me. I have always been more spiritual and he has always been more practical. I also thought ....."how ironic!" I am the one who was a cake-eating cheater, never intending to leave and he is content in our marriage, but feels he could also be content elsewhere...if he needed to be. His perspective is YOU make it work, it doesn't just work.

It may be immature, but it really hit me hard! My affairs are unimportant to me....a fantasy....a different me. To him they were very real and he deals with the consequences every single day. My BH believes what we accomplish/do/don't do is the fabric of who we are. My father had multiple affairs and in many ways, that defined who he was with my mother. I need to work harder to make sure that blemish on my life is overshadowed by so many great things!

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:14 AM, Friday, February 9th]

I had a ONS very early in my marriage. That was way back, in 1976. My husband has had many affairs (PAs in 1976, 1977, 1978 x 2, 2005, and EA 2019-2023).

Affairs are very real. When you tell yourself (and your BH) that the affair was a fantasy, they see that as minimizing things.

It’s important to understand this and how minimizing affects the betrayed partner.

The BP can feel as though the WP is dismissing the affair as unimportant, and by extension that the BO is "overreacting" or making something out of nothing. Minimizing is also a form of gaslighting, and is another way of lying and misleading the BP. It prolongs recovery, because it is an attempt at rugsweeping as well.

So, let’s talk about the frame of mind you were in during your affairs. You made purposeful choices. You lied on purpose, in real life. You cheated in real life.

What your husband is telling you is that he sees you, denying the reality of this. And he knows that you’re capable of doing this to him, and choosing to dismiss it as fantasy - while he feels it all as the very reality it is.

He will be dealing with this pain for 2-5 years. You can help shorten that window by stepping up and understanding how to own this.

I have an old mentor who used to say, "The hardest thing in the world is to escape our own perspective" and it is really one of the few truisms in all of human consciousness. In order to become a safe and better partner for your husband, you are going to have to put in some time and effort to try and start seeing things from your BH's point of view on this one. I mean, look, I get it, you never intended to leave your husband and you wouldn't be the first WS that said or felt that. However, where you need to reexamine this is by telling him that you were never planning to leave him, how do you think that makes him feel? A lot like a booby prize or a sucker. You've put this man through hell and then at the end when he is trying to recover from the nuclear bomb you just set off in your marriage, you come back to him and tell him that you never intended to leave him...but you sure as hell had no problem abusing him and using him as that safe husband. Again, I get it, you may very well have felt that you were never going to leave your husband, but in a lot of ways, it makes it worse. Nothing is loving or kind about carrying on an affair and then having the indecency to keep your BH in limbo with the days/months/years of agony caused by multiple DDays, but I'm willing to bet that despite a lot of the bullshit, your BH still gave you his love, care and support unconditionally.

You need to get down to your "Whys" and figure out why you gave yourself permission to have a fantasy. What was it about your character that was so broken that you needed to fill it with the attention and ego kibbles of an affair? You didn't stand at the altar with your husband in front of your loved ones to profess love and devotion to each other with the exception of getting some hot action on the side. I tend to take people a face value a lot, and I would be assuming, but I bet you didn't intend to cheat on your wedding day. Many of us don't think we are capable of cheating while at the same time keeping really poor and loose boundaries in places that should have ironclad gates surrounding your marriage.

I think you would do well to read the two most recommended books, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" and "Not Just Friends" so that you can begin to understand what you've put your husband through and what you've got to work on to give yourself a real shot at reconciliation. I can tell you this, not to scare you or anything like that, but the cold reality is that if you don't put in the work and establish enforceable and verifiable boundaries, you are more likely to repeat your wayward ways. I mean, think of it this way, if you've ever had any experience with addictions, being sober/clean is just the beginning of the journey and while a necessary component to recovery, it is by no means the only part of a successful recovery. Much like being in a state of "not actively cheating" is a good start, but it is not gonna be the thing that makes for a successful reconciliation. Much like an addict, you are going to have to examine your behaviors and boundaries an an almost uncomfortable level and figure out a different path for you so that the next time you are faced with these situations, you make better choices. Best of luck to you, I don't mean to be discouraging because I don't mean it to come off that way, but I also don't feel that we aren't being helpful to you if we don't hold up a mirror now and then.

I understand today that what I did was very real. I view what I did to my BH, family and even myself as reckless, immature, selfish and most of all....I was a coward. A coward for not being a better person, a coward for sitting back while my BH accepted the onus for contacting my AP. The term "fantasy" is still how I define the affair. It was meaningless and I have no valid explanation on why I was involved with AP except I sucked and I was hellbent on destroying everything and everyone in my life. The AP and I were liars. We were cowards. I have no emotional connection whatsoever today.

I suggest you read the "Process of finding your true whys" thread that someone has kindly bumped for you.

I sucked and we are liars are not reasons to have an affair.

There is also a whole thread in General I think on "How non-Sensical the affair was not real or fantasy" to get an idea of how triggering that language in particular is to your BS

The term "fantasy" is still how I define the affair. It was meaningless and I have no valid explanation on why I was involved with AP except I sucked and I was hellbent on destroying everything and everyone in my life. The AP and I were liars. We were cowards. I have no emotional connection whatsoever today.

The fantasy served you a purpose. It wasn’t just random and it wasn’t another you that engaged in it. It was you today. The only thing that has changed is time.

You need to figure out what your mindset was that led you to think that an affair was a viable option. It takes a lot of introspective digging. Why did you feel like lying was necessary? What sort of pay off were you getting from the affair and why didn’t you feel like you could get that from your marriage at the time? It is important to figure these things out to become a safe partner in the future. Without an understanding of our history, it can repeat itself. Maybe not in the form of an affair but other unhealthy avenues.