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Morning/afternoon/evening wherever in this world you may be.

So this morning the BS and I were in bed talking, she was trying to explain to me why she had been upset the night before and had sent some shitty texts whilst i was at work.

She explained how that whilst she does love me (and always will) she's just not in love with me and how its simply just logical that she is staying with me.

I understand her feelings, I know its illogical to love someone like me when they have done the absolute worst and I certainly havent made any of this easy for her so whilst this is upsetting I cling to any hope that actually her feelings may at some point change towards me in the future, this is how we are still here despite some ferocious rows.

Anyway the conversation went on, I was trying to explain how I want this marriage to work even in the current form (the ups and downs, the anger etc). It's hard work and we have both agreed it would likely be easy to both go our separate ways however there is still that connection and we both love being with each other etc.

Anyway it got to a point where knowing how miserable we are in our current house that I said "theres a part of me which feels we should list the house as it could take 6 months or years to sell and then when we get that offer we can decide whether to call it a day or decide on our next steps together". She then stormed off and rather than try to explain why this upset her opted to just demand I figure it out.

I tried to explain to her that I knew it comes with a risk:-

1.stress of selling and getting a house ready for viewings when we have this to deal with.
2.it may provide her some instability, is she apprehensive about selling as she thinks I will abandon her again
3.if we do call quits before selling she may want to remain in the house for a period of time.

So I do understand this but again I dont know what it is as she wont tell me.

I also know:-

1.neither of us want to be in the house, nothing ever happened here but walls contain memories and scars despite all I have done to try and change it ...so we both have suggested moving.

2.we were looking only a few days ago at new homes either to rent or buy

3.even if we do split she has suggested she cant live here on her own due to circumstances out of her control.

4.our mortgage is due up in 2 years, where we need to add another 50k or something on top and with the current cost of living going through the roof selling maybe our only option anyway.

So I guess I'm posting this as I am just trying to seek the views of others, I know I often say the wrong things and can get defensive however I havent been and I am working long term on this. All I am doing is just trying to find a way to talk to her and give her some options pointing out that she then has the control and the money to do what she needs to do next something which I took away from her in 2022.

To make it clear I am not needing answers in response to her feelings about the ILYBINILWY and how it's just logical to stay as I dont feel that way but I get that is hers I am merely seeking some views of all as to see whether my response with the house aspect was just way of the path or not as I personally feel...if that makes sense.

Thank you.

I'd say it's because you started off vowing that you wanted to stay with her through thick and thin, and then you turned to the logistics of potentially splitting up. Your BW wants reassurance that you're all in and that the decision is entirely hers to make. Saying, "Ok, maybe we should start the ball rolling and mutually decide whether to call it at this rational fork in the road" is not a passionate indicator of being ready to do whatever it takes to rebuild with her.

Remember, this is a woman who thought she knew you, thought she understood the love you shared, and thought her future was secure. Your affair blew all that up. Before you cheated, would there have been any question of going your separate ways after the sale of the house? I don't remember your specific backstory, but in a happy marriage, that's not usually something that would cross either partner's mind. Going there is another indicator that your promises of "for better or for worse" are a qualified statement in her new reality. She's hurt and angry that your focus here is practical rather than emotional.

Before you respond with, "Well, I'm a logical person," cheating was not logical behavior. You were more than ready to throw both rational and moral concerns to the wind in pursuit of the AP. Now, as a fWW myself, I understand that an affair is not about the AP, it's about the ego kibbles and self-soothing of the WS. The work of R is a much different proposition than the preening and mirroring of an affair. But still, your wife wants to be, and deserves to be, your personal Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. If she's going to do this work for you, it's your job to prove that you need her in your life past all reason and all consequence. "Let's list the house and see how we feel when we get an offer" is not the stuff of a Hallmark card, let alone a Shakespearean sonnet.

She can stay for logical reasons, but it crushes and infuriates her all over again to think that's why you're still here. The burden of disproving that is on you.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 11:52 AM, Saturday, February 3rd]

I will also add: often, there is no right answer. The BS is on a roller coaster. At 10:00 AM, offering to sell the house might be taken as proof that you respect her agency and are trying to give her the financial freedom to chart her own destiny. At noon, it's proof that you can't wait to get rid of her. This is genuinely how the feelings go, volatile and unpredictable. If you think it's hard to know how to react to that, think of what it's like to be unable to understand or control that volatility inside your own head. This is a consequence of the wayward spouse's choices. And while the WS can decide to walk away, there's no escape for the BS.

Thankful for your prompt response, I have tried to explain repeatedly to her inc just now my intent behind saying this.

I can as I explained see entirely her perspective but I have tried so hard to make it so that she has something behind her should she decide to walk away. I explained to her before you responded, my beliefs and wants and exactly what I want for us moving forward. I also explained that I am speaking my mind, I dont think of myself as a logical person in the slightest and boy dont I know that when it comes to the Affair and the messed up situation that was. I know it was absent of all the logic but that being said I also know I have this habit of trying to fix things that often are out my control and often this means a massive lack of empathy and common sense. It is something I really am working to change and recognise when I do it but sometimes it slips through the net.

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 2:14 PM, Saturday, February 3rd]

I can as I explained see entirely her perspective but I have tried so hard to make it so that she has something behind her should she decide to walk away.

I’m not very familiar with your story, but I agree with BSR. It seems you preparing for her to have a soft place to land makes it appear you are not all in.

Instead of explaining this to her, demonstrate actions that you are in this with her. Show her you want to be there. Give her reasons to stay with you.

Agree with what’s already been said. What the proposal should have looked like is "maybe it will help to have a fresh start. Let’s work on getting out of this house that has so many bad memories and start fresh in a new place that is untainted. I think we will both feel better and it will give us a project to work on together"

I think your ws avoidant nature kicked in when she said the whole I live you but am not in love with you thing. You have to be the one who says I still love you, and I am willing to wait and see if I can earn those feelings back from you.

Be the rock she needs, as often as you can. That is how she will begin to see you can be trusted. She may never trust 100 percent but in my experience you can get to the place where love and trust is as restored enough for both people to feel good about being in the marriage.