SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Note: this affair was all online, and it was both emotional, suggestive and outright sexual at times.

Dday was in August 2022, but i knew for almost a year before that, and accused him multiple times. It took me until August to confirm because I knew it would break me.

After i found out for sure, undeniable proof, he was upset i snooped, guilted me, and he wanted to try being a poly sorta thing, but he only wanted it with one girl and only on his side. I only agreed because i wanted him to choose me, but he kept choosing her in most ways. I lost myself in that time, more than i did in the time he was cheating and I knew, but didnt look for proof. It killed me. She left him 3 months after, because she knew the winds were changing and after showing him what he was doing to me, purposefully or not, he was being less of a ‘We’ with her, and went to being slightly more of a ‘we’ with me. Slightly but even the slightly scared her off because she wanted him in her side always, and was scared that he actually loved me.

He kept chasing her and i told him how much it hurt me, but he continued on doing it for 5 months after she ‘left’ him.

Why would i stay, right? Like that’s embarrassing of me to. But he kept saying she was special but i was specialer and he just wanted both, i dunno. He gaslit me alot into thinking he can be so disrespectful of me and our children, yet still love me.

Fast forward to December 2023, i cried once again about how he doesn’t hate or despise her for disrespecting me and his children for her part in it, and he (in a huff and ouff) told me he blocked her.
For one, i wanted him to do it because he wanted to, so doing it in a huff and puff frustrated way wasn’t what i wanted and just proved he valued her emotionally than me. Or himself because he said he never wanted to totally block her out of his life.

Secondly, told him many times thqt i wanted her to know that he rejected her and didnt want anything to do with her disgusting cheating self, but at least he could openly block her so she knows he wants nothing to do with her if he didnt want to directly tell her.

Fast forward to today, i found out he only slyly blocked her to where she cant even see he blocked her messages. He only blocked her on messenger not on facebook, so she cant see he blocked her.

I confronted him about this and he huff and puffed and is just frustrated at me.

So, am i over reacting? If someone you love is hurt, do you huff and puff, or do you do anything in your power to comfort and protect her heart? Or at least something inbetween

You are NOT overreacting!!!!

He is, in my opinion, under reacting to you and your marriage.

He doesn’t seem to want anything but his own selfish desires and interests. And he expects you to "go along" with his theory that he "wants you slightly more".

I hope you understand that his cheating has nothing to do with you. But now is when you need some individual counseling to help you navigate this situation. Counseling will help you in a number of ways, including helping you figure out what you want.

I can tell you the best thing I ever did was get a backbone and refuse to put up with my H’s midlife crisis affair (9 months long but only six months I knew). On dday2 when I told him I was Divorcing him, it wasn’t done to stop his cheating but I truly did plan to D him.

But what I did do was gain the upper hand. He no longer had any say in decisions. He no longer was allowed to speak out or render an opinion. I did the hard 180 and stripped him of his power. He no longer called the shots. I did.

I want to be clear that I did not tell him I was D him to stop his cheating. I was D him to remove myself from having to remain married to a cheater.

We have happily reconciled. But guess who wears the pants now? Me! I take no crap and my H knows I will walk out the door in a heartbeat if I have to.

Gently, you're under-reacting, IMO.

You've been doing what we call 'the pick me dance'. That doesn't work well at all. He picked you, but what have you won? Now you have a resentful WH who blames you for his betraying you.

You say you held off on fully recognizing his betrayal because you were afraid the knowledge would break you. You sound sad and lost, which is normal when you've been betrayed, but you're here, looking for help. That says you have a lot more strength than you think you have. You can get through this.

Do you want him? How much of a part does fear play in your desire to R?

There’s a thread somewhere in JFO about consequences. It sounds like your WH has had zero consequences and that you need to build some boundaries about how you want to be treated. First, you need to be prepared to lose this marriage, because I don’t think he believes you are able to take that kind of stand, one of proper consequences. Respect starts with self. And self respect puts a line in the sand. Boundaries.

He's exercising the old Anger as a form of Manipulation. You are under no obligation to play along.

The farther out you are the more you see that huffing and puffing is no different than a teen busted for being at a field party instead of the sleepover OR a toddler caught with hand in cookie jar. And the reasoning/excuses are just as - and in some cases even more pathetic.