SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this will irritate some here..oh well..

You should not be trying to reconcile. You don't need an MC. You need a divorce attorney.

He was abusive before the affair, and he still is.

He can fuck some woman,get her pregnant, but you can't make a snarky comment about a cheater?

Seriously?

And he called you the absolute most vile thing a man can call a woman. In front of the kids, no less.

He has abused you so thoroughly, that you are questioning your behavior not his.

He's horrible. A horrible man,husband, and father.

Not all marriages should be saved. You will never heal with this jerk. He will cheat again, and he will blame you.

He can be lovely? Sure..I do believe that. He is an abuser. And when they aren't abusing, they turn on the charm. But he's still an abuser.

Please love your children more than this man. They are in an extremely toxic environment. Its going to negatively affect them for the rest of their life. Cut out the cancer. Save yourself. Save the kids.

This is not love. He doesn't love,or respect you. Or those kids.

Run.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:59 PM, Monday, February 5th]

Some part of you must think you have to live this way. You don't.

Please consider IC for clarity and support.

Your posts are painful to read… you are being abused and are apologising to your abuser for it. He treats you so badly and you’re asking yourself what you have done wrong or how you can do better.

This isn’t a man you should even try reconciling with, it is a man that you should run away from without telling him where you’re heading to.

Please get support and leave otherwise this can get so much worse…

Lemon pie,

I stayed with an abusive boyfriend for three years.

He was nice. Until the third beer.

He really was a nice guy. Until the alcohol. Then I had to apologize for looking out the window. Or singing with the radio. Or because he was mad. Or because he was hungover and late to work.

I had to apologize because I had a black eye that he gave me. I apologized because I thought I made him do it.

I apologized that he cheated on me. I apologized that he "had to beat me in public".

I apologized that the police had to put me in protective custody the night he tried to strangle me. I APOLOGIZED TO HIM THAT HE TRIED TO STRANGLE ME.

I apologized. I believed his sadness, his brokenness, his alcoholism was somehow my fault.

And I believed that if I left him, he wouldn’t be able to get through it without me.

And after I apologized for being strangled, I left.

He got through it. Without me.

Please, know that you can love someone unconditionally - bur RELATIONSHIPS are conditional. You matter. Your kids are important here - and they matter.

If you do one thing right now, make a decision in favor of clarity and safety for your family. Get yourself and the kids to another place and stay until he is at least 60 days dry and in a program. And don’t make any other decision until after that.

We went to the beach on Sunday for my birthday. It was a really nice day, took the dogs for a run around, kids were happy metal detecting. My WH said that he was thinking about how he wonders whether he really should have gotten a vasectomy a few years ago, as he feels he would love to have tried for another chikd with me now, as he believes he'd be a much better husband to me now, and a better father (not that he was ever a bad husband/father back when we had our babies, but looking back, he didn't pull his weight enough and was quite selfish).

Now baring in mind we were having a lovely day, sat hand in hand - I retorted that it was bloody lucky he DID have a vasectomy, as he could have a little bubba right now, just not with me but his AP!!!! His comment really soured my mood for a while, and could have ruined the whole day. Thankfully he just held my hand tighter, agreed with me and apologised (alot). Then the day was back on track.

Your husbands response is appalling to be honest, I'm so sorry. You are not overreacting, even in the slightest. You are taking far, far too much responsibility for his actions. He seems to believe the onus is on you to keep your mouth shut, not on him to simply acknowledge and apologise and show some empathy? Why? 🤔

I make snipey comments near enough daily. Sometimes in a bit of jest, sometimes seriously. All I'm generally looking for is an acknowledgement and an apology.

Does he always react like that if you say something snipey?

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 4:06 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

You need to divorce this man. He is abusive. You should not have marriage counselling with an abuser. You should go to individual counselling.

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called ‘Why Does He Do That?’ You can find it for free on line if you search well. Do not show him the book but do read it. It may help you understand that he is a common garden abuser. A nasty person that you CANNOT change.

Document his abuse and seek help from a women’s charity if they are available in your area/country.