SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi! It's me again.

I don't know how to word this so I will do it the best that I can.
My H and I are trying to reconcile, 3 months past Dday, I know it hasn't been long so I expect it to take a long time to heal.
My H came out of his fog fairly quickly after Dday, I think he actually came out of it before I found out and he wasn't scared to throw her under the bus and himself as well. He knew what it was and realized it was all fake (with help from me of course) He has had open communication about everything and is currently working on answering a thread of questions for me. He is going to start individual counseling soon and he has been the best dad and husband since then but I am struggling so bad to let the actions help me move forward.
I feel like I am waiting for him to say something to make me feel better and he hasn't yet. I ask the same questions over and over until I drive myself crazy and him. I wake up in the morning crying begging him to tell me he loves me, that he doesn't care about her, and that he is sorry. Sometimes I do that in the middle of the night when I have a bad moment and wake him up. He has never once gotten mad and will hold and reassure me literally through the entire day, I feel good for a little bit and then I spiral again and constantly text/talk to him about needing to know he loves me. I feel like his actions should mean more to me but they just don't yet. Does anyone else feel like this too? I cry often and tell him I feel like I am going insane, nothing he says helps in the long run, I swear I am looking for magic words that I don't think I will ever get because even the most raw and honest/loving answers don't help. I have been going to the gym, writing, focusing on myself and nothing seems to keep me from thinking about the betrayal. Hell, even movies will trigger me and half the time it is something dumb unrelated to the affair but will trigger an emotion. I feel like 98% of my day my thoughts are filled with what he did.
I have an issue now comparing myself to the OW now too because she had certain features that I do not that I believe led to the Physical part of the affair.
Does anyone feel like this and if so how long has/ or does it last? What additional things did you do to help ease the pain and need to constantly be reassured verbally? I want to reconcile and he has shown hes above and beyond ready to do the same but I can not let go and look at all of the great things he has done. Help

Groot1988, I was still in absolute shock at 3-months in — I don’t think I got my feet back underneath me until 7-months in.

Sadly, everything you describe is completely NORMAL. Fight or flight mode because you are trying to process what reality really was during the A.

You’ve experienced massive emotional trauma, and it takes a long time for you and your mind to feel safe.

I asked 5 BILLION questions over several YEARS.

Step back, take a number of deep breaths and be kind to yourself.

All the things people tell you to do in the just found out forum still apply at three months. Take walks, eat, drink lots of water, take naps when you can (sleep deprivation is a part of the deal early on).

You will move forward, but you need time and answers to process this.

It is up to your husband to show what he is doing to be safe, and he will have to do that for as long your M lasts. It takes time and it should take time to believe in his words and actions, if he consistent in his work, you will be able to decide what you want to do and how to best move forward.

Groot1988

Know that you are not alone.
I have been feeling this too and we are 6 months post Dday.

I always tell myself "be kind to yourself.". So be kind to yourself. Feel everything whether you are mad, sad, angry etc etc.

All the emotions you are going through right now are normal.
Take one day at a time. I know its easier said than done but hang in there.

I have an issue now comparing myself to the OW now too because she had certain features that I do not that I believe led to the Physical part of the affair.

It's fairly common to compare yourself to the OW and find yourself lacking. Usually, healing and time will help with this.

For me, it was the Chaos BASGU talk that really helped me. Find your inner BASGU - or, bad ass sparkly unicorn goddess. Buy pretty, sparkly undies and wear them. Find an outfit or several that make you feel fabulous. Make sure you feel put together when you go out, etc.

YOU are the prize. You kept your vows and stayed faithful.

As for the OW, she really could have been anybody. Adam Levine's wife is a Victoria's Secret underwear model, and he cheated on her. Look at all of the actors & actresses who have been cheated on - was it their looks that were lacking? No, it was the morals of their partner that was lacking.

Hi Groot,

I don't know a bunch about your story, but I did read your other post. My husband had an escapist, cake-eating A too. He never intended to leave.

Despite the fact that my husband was pretty honest, pretty quickly (as compared to what I see here) and never once tried to gaslight me or blame me about the A, I asked a million questions a day for months, maybe a year. I continued to ask questions after that point when they occurred to me, but by then I felt I had a pretty good handle on what went down. When I was in cross-examination mode, I would ask the same ones over and over and over as my brain tried to process it all and piece together the timeline of the affair while recreating the timeline of my own life during that period, all the while trying to make sense of it all. This is normal. It's a response to trauma - you have been traumatized.

It's also normal that he may not have all the answers now (which gives you even more "reason" to keep asking the same questions over and over again). When I say that, he should of course be ready, willing, and able to answer the "fact-based" answers, but he probably has less insight into the WHYS of it all - which, if you are anything like me, is what you will be struggling with the most. That's the hardest part and something you both should be working on now and in the months ahead (if you intend to attempt to R). So don't feel bad about the questions, keep asking them. There can be a certain point where your purpose in re-asking the question is not productive or healthy but at 3 months out you are nowhere near that point. Get him to make the timeline - even if you think you know it. It was a helpful exercise for my H as well as for me. Eventually, assuming he's being honest and transparent now, and working at being honest with himself in IC, it'll eventually start to make sense. When I say "make sense", I don't mean you're going to wake up one day and be like "ah, I get it now. It makes perfect sense to me how my husband could risk his life and my life and the lives of our children for some trashy side piece who he never loved" - that will never "make sense", but you'll get a better understanding of what the truth is, and what his thought process through it all when you understand it better.

Wanting reassurance is also normal. You (appropriately) feel unsafe and insecure in the relationship, and it is therefore normal to want/need/crave reassurance and feel territorial. That said, there is not a single magic thing he can say that will actually provide you with the feeling you are wanting right now. The daily rollarcoaster of emotions is intense. There would be times when I'd realize I felt okay for a minute, and it would immediately send me into a spiral. The rollarcoaster will slow down a bit when you start being able to rebuild trust, which is understandably incredibly difficult to do after betrayal. The only thing that worked in rebuilding trust was honesty and consistency and patience over time. That doens't mean he should stop trying to comfort you in the moment when you are triggered and spiraling. There is benefit in that, even if it doesn't always feel like that. If nothing else, it's showing you that he is prepared to stick it out through the good and the bad. It will show he has empathy and understanding for the depth of the pain he has caused. He might begin to appreciate how large this looms in your brain.

I too, thought about it the A constantly. It was exhausting. To be honest, I'm surprised I was able to keep my job during that time as I was NOT engaged in work in the slightest. I remember being in the middle of a yoga class 8 months out realizing that I had managed to go an entire 15 minutes without thinking of the A and celebrating that fact.

I have an issue now comparing myself to the OW now too because she had certain features that I do not that I believe led to the Physical part of the affair.

This part is normal too. I've always had a pretty healthy sense of self-confidence and felt pretty good about the way I looked until D-day when my confidence took an absolute nose-dive. I remember feeling self-conscious even changing in front of my husband after that (was he comparing me to her???). So although your feelings are valid and normal right now, I need to assure you that there is nothing about her that made him cheat. He didn't pick her because she had long legs, or nice teeth, or big boobs or whatever it is about her that is now making you feel inadequate right now. He picked her because she was there and had low enough morals/ethics that she was willing to hook up with a man who was married and had 4 kids, despite the fact that he never planned on leaving his wife. Ugh... can you imagine how pathetic someone like that must be? I'm not saying he didn't like the long legs, or nice teeth, or big boobs or whatever it is that you think is objectively good looking about her, or that he wasn't physically attracted to those features in the moment (we can all be physically attracted to multiple things), but those are NOT the things that made him cheat. I don't care what he has told you post-d-day when he was trying to justify his behaviour to you and to himself, the A was not about her (just like it was not about you). It was about HIM. (It always is).

I could make a laundry list of some of the most beautiful/talented women in the world who have been cheated on. Halle Berry, Emily Ratajkowski, Behati Prinsloo (a literal Victoria's secret model!) Eva Longoria, Sienna Miller, Beyonce, JLO, Shania Twain.... I could go on an on. The point is, that none of these women's partners cheated because their spouse was not beautiful (or smart, or talented, or successful, or whatever it is that you are telling yourself is deficient) enough. There is a thread in the JFO forum called "Honey They Always Affair Down" that I will bump for you. Read it through. This is a rule, and I have been here long enough to know that your case is no exception to this.

Emergent8.

Some of the best advice I’ve been given, thank you so much.

Yeah I didn’t give much of a back story but he had an affair from end of June to the end of September with a coworker which unfortunately spanned across three of my kids bdays (he saw her on one of their bdays which was also one day before our anniversary) so the time line hurts. He was also planning on sleeping with her before our vacation in June and he went with me like nothing was wrong. Once I found out he quit his job immediately (have a few week notice, he was the only tech at the time) got a new job and bought us a new vehicle, although he said she was never in it but I know he drove it to their dinner dates and it bothered me. He got all new boxers because for some stupid reason that was important to me (can’t change what he did but I can get rid of some triggers). I mean he went above and beyond and really changed a lot.

A lot of the reason he did what he did is because I made significantly more money than he did and he felt so low and felt like he was inadequate and like you said there, she was telling him how great he was, and how he deserves so much more money. He fell for all of it and ate it up. She made very little money , even less than him and could barely support her three kids (she had with multiple men) obviously no judgment on her for her life but him for his decision. That would have financially ruined him.
He told me she never told him anything he didn’t want to hear and it was purely friends with benefits which still hurts. At the end she fell in love with him which one of my questions was "if it was purely friendship and sex what do you think made her fall in love?"

As far as me comparing myself to her she is by no means pretty imo but he is into bigger boobs (which hers were) which he agreed stemmed from the porn issues he’s had his whole life. He’s almost two months without it and he says he sees how it’s changing his thought process which I think is a great step for him and him being able to talk about it openly makes me have hope. I have to tell myself if he slips up with the porn and comes to me to confess , I have to be understanding during the time because he’s trying to cut something he’s done for probably 25 years.

His entire affair was about fantasy and honestly I can already see what had him caught up in it but you’re right the whys don’t make sense to me. When I ask him why he would jeopardize his entire family and child support for 4 kids he says " I’m an idiot" Then once he stops feeling sorry for himself it’s more clear answers. Such as "she was there for me when I hated myself" "She told me all the things I didn’t hear from you" "I could sleep with her and have no feelings and go home" then he comes out and says that looking back he knows she was fake and demanded zero self respect and he’s disgusted and embarrassed. I feel like he hates talking about it because he fell for something so damn stupid! I love/hate that he feels that way because it makes me have to accept that he gets it and I shouldn’t keep beating him.

As far as him enjoying it in the moment , that is what is bothering me. I want him to hate it. He says he does now because he realized what a monster he was and what he did to me. He said he didn’t think of us at all when he was with her and he made sure to be in her car or her place he had the nerve to say "she didn’t deserve to know our life or be in anything of ours, I’m not that disrespectful." Like wtf?! I mean I know in his mind it made sense because this was just a super selfish act that had nothing to do with us but his own insecurities and inadequacies but I hate that he enjoyed it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come to terms with that and I feel stupid. I know if he tells me he hated every minute of it when he was doing it , then it would be a lie. He explained it as being two different people , which is scary to me if I’m being honest.

I know I’m mentally exhausting him and myself but maybe some things just aren’t adding up to me yet. He tells me she had issues and she had no self respect, I just can’t see how a woman could do this and be fine being second best and knowingly destroy a family , knowing they would never go anywhere. Maybe I need to accept that maybe she thought all the dinners and trash sex would make him leave me , I don’t know. The whole time I posted like an idiot on social media how happy we were and she saw it all…. He claimed she never brought it up , who the heck does that?! I don’t know I’m a wreck. Sorry it’s so long

Just sucks.

Hang in - you've made a good start. The only reassurance that works is consistent behavior over time. That's why SI's rule of thumb is 2-5 years for r(ecovery), and R(econciliation) may take longer. I felt good after 3.5-4 years - YMMV - and I've felt better about my M every year since then, but the bulk of the work was done in 3.5-4 years. Not 3 months.

The constant questioning makes perfect sense to me. I asked a new question a week or 2 ago, and I'm more than 13 years out from d-day. I don't ask questions very often now, but the first year I did - hour after hour, day after day.

Those questions were crucial to our R. Every question was a test - would she give me an answer that sounded honest or not? Every honest answer rebuilt healthy bonds between us. Every honest answer told me she was taking responsibility for her A. Every honest answer gave me reassurance that I wasn't wasting my time and effort and love. Every honest answer helped rebuild trust.

The words become magical when they're backed up by consistent actions over time.

*****

Comparisons are natural, but neither here not there. Right now, you're looking for failures in you because you think that will help you understand why your H cheated. That's temporary. It will (largely) go away when you realize your H cheated because of his own issues, not because of issues with you or your M.

Again consistent behavior over time most likely tells the truth. If he continues to show interest in you, you don't have to accept it as true, but it probably means he has a sustained interest in you, whether you think you look good enough or not. Remember: he gets to choose what he thinks looks good. The imperfections that bother you may not bother him.

*****

Honestly I feel like I let myself and my morals down for staying and trying to work it out even if I believe he regrets it more than anything. He should have to lose me for what he did.

Oh, hell, yes. The trouble was that taking myself away from her was what she deserved, but staying with the one I still lusted for was what I deserved. I couldn't have both, so I picked the one that seemed better for me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:26 PM, Sunday, January 14th]

sisoon, I appreciate your honesty and I think I am partly trying to tell myself that I can handle that long (3 years seems like a long time to feel like this) I know by then if we can heal and recover then I will be able to have more good days than bad days but accepting that I’ll be changed forever so hard for me. I literally thought I had the perfect marriage.
A huge part of my problem too is I feel like he got to go have his fun, have wild crazy sex, dinners with no kids then come crawling back to me. I don’t know how to let that go? I feel like he should be punished way more than he is. His response to me is that seeing me hurt is harder for him than it is for me because he is the one that caused it. Which I do believe he dies inside every time I cry but I still feel like it isn’t enough.

Does she get bothered or mad that you ask more questions that far out?

As far as comparisons, you’re right. He kept telling me he married me before he loved me and loved me for everything I was. I finally mustered up the courage to ask him if her boobs were better ( I know stupid of me) he told me bigger isn’t always better and he was sorry if he ever said that but he doesn’t feel that way. I hate myself most days for tearing myself down and I feel like he looks at me as a weak person that I never used to be , although he tells me that im strong for doing this and trying to forgive him. Honestly I feel like I let myself and my morals down for staying and trying to work it out even if I believe he regrets it more than anything. He should have to lose me for what he did. I hope I can get past that.

Does she get bothered or mad that you ask more questions that far out?

I won’t speak for Sisoon but I can speak for my situation. My husband voiced frustration with the continued questions exactly once a few months into R. I told him that if he had a problem with my asking questions or was ALREADY frustrated with the progress of my understanding and processing it he should let me know now because there was absolutely zero way we would make it through it if he had some sort of timeline for how quickly I should get over a several months long affair or limitation period for my trauma, and I was not going to apologize EVER for taking however long I needed in order to heal. I showed him the 2-5 year estimates that people had cited and told him that if he wasn’t prepared for that then there was no point in even continuing. He never EVER made a single comment like that after that one time.

Were there times when he got frustrated because I came in on him hard at the wrong time? Yes, but he never shut me down entirely. He’d say, "I’m sorry, I’m exhausted right now and I don’t think I’m in the right mental space to do this right now, can we have this conversation after dinner/tomorrow morning?" and then I’d decide whether it could wait, and if it could, he sure as heck made a point to be the one to initiate the conversation whenever it was that he said he would (even if that meant putting a calendar appointment in his phone to remind him to do so). Patience, empathy, and consistency over time.

I’m coming up on 7 years now and I can’t think of when the last time I had a question was. The odd time I have a trigger and bring up the A, my husband might be slightly disappointed but it’s not with me, it’s with himself. By now he understands that I’m not doing this on purpose or in order to ruin the evening or to punish him. He will answer my question or address my concern and we are usually able to just go back to whatever it is that we were dealing with before.

Almost 4 years out, my W said she felt awful every time I asked a question, but she'd continue to answer them. I told her, truthfully, that I was trying to gather information, not to shame her. Further, sometimes I asked to confirm fading memories, and sometimes I asked because I sensed some feelings coming up and I thought the answers might help me with the feelings. Since then, I've prefaced the questions with why I was asking, and she hasn't had any problems with the questions.

She's co-d. She doesn't get mad - she beats herself up. I think I'd prefer her getting angry.

*****

A huge part of my problem too is I feel like he got to go have his fun, have wild crazy sex, dinners with no kids then come crawling back to me.

I think the only thing that would get me to cheat is great, transcendent sex. I doubt that I'd get that with a new partner.

Have you asked him how the sex was? If you haven't, I suggest you do - but make sure you prep him to give you the truth. My W said - and I believe - that she decided that honesty was the least - easiest - thing she could do before I woke up on d-day. Of the sex, she said it was great the first few times, then different, then boring and oppressive. (That's part of why I believed her. If she had said it was always boring, I'd have mistrusted the answer. She kept going back because of blackmail; I believed that, too. I asked lots of follow-up questions before believeing her, though.)

Many BSes have posted that their WS's sex with the ap was not as good as they had feared. A number of pretty honest WSes have posted 'different' not 'better'. I believe those WSes because they've admitted to doing myriads of nasty things, so I figure they're honest about the sex in this anonymous forum...they have no reason to lie after admitting what they've done in other areas.

Every so often, though, we've read that the A sex was great, so I won't guarantee what your WS will say. My very strong reco is, however, to ask your H. You really are strong enough to hear the answer (and ask follow-up Qs).

*****

Are you saying your H told you he didn't love you when you got married? Can you say more about that?

I thought I loved my W at our wedding. I loved her much more a week/month/year/decade/etc. later. So I've said (before the A) that I thought I loved her on our wedding date, but I didn't realize that love would grow. I can't imagine telling her that I didn't love her when we got married. (Since the A, I don't talk of love. I did before the A, but it didn't have much of an effect, so why do it now? Actions count; words, not so much.)

*****

He should have to lose me for what he did.

I felt that way, too. I chose to stay because I thought I deserved to be with the one I loved, the one who loved me (but not herself), the one I lusted over. If I hurt her as she deserved, I'd hurt me. After d-day, I didn't want more pain.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:33 PM, Sunday, January 14th]

Sorry, that comment about love before marriage was all a mess. I think it meant to say that he loved me and married me for me.

I did ask him if sex with her was great and his response was that at first it was because he was having sex with a girl that let him fully take advantage and be in charge. He said he felt "mighty" that she would basically let him have his way with her and do whatever he wanted. He claimed that she never was on top or tried to dominate during sex. He said because she was "trashy" he felt above her and better than her.

I know porn played a huge part in this and I don’t really know how to feel about it. Kills me. He also admitted he finished with her every time. I don’t know how someone could do this to someone they love, he said she told him how great in bed he was and kept feeding his ego.

Ah ... your feelings and thoughts about the A sex are yours to deal with. It looks like your H has been honest, though.

Have you given yourself permission to D? If I were forcing myself to R, I'd rebel. It was only after I gave myself permission to D that I felt I had full permission to stay. 'Yes' is meaningful only if 'No' is a permitted answer.

Again, IMO you're undecided, and that's pretty common at 3 months from d-day. It's not a problem - you're making a decision that will affect decades of your life. That's worth more than a few months to gather the info you need to make the best decision for you.

Have faith in yourself to decide well - just take the time pressure off.