SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a ws who has had traitorous thoughts since the beginning of my 15 year relationship (11 years married). We have two children, ages 7 and 10.

I had an online emotional affair with sexting in 2020 and was found out and reconciled.

I had an emotional affair, the timeline of which is fuzzy because I orchestrated and worked toward it for two years that was found out in September.

I have struggled every step of the way to get out of the fog, stop lying and gaslighting, feel and express true remorse, make it about him instead of me, admit the depth of my betrayal and deception, provide a full disclosure (I relate to what I've read here about forgetting and the details that seem insignificant to a ws being everything to a bs and also to the fact that I was using delusion with myself and deceipt with him).

He has begged me to find resources on my own this whole time and finally, as I felt the threat of him leaving, I did so and landed here. So many things I've read resonated.

I gave what I thought was a full disclosure admitting the fact that I have looked for every opportunity to betray since we were together last night. He, understandably, thinks there will always be something more, as I have trickle truthed and swore it was everything every time.

I have a list of action points I will do for the next several days in an attempt to actually address the needs he has begged me to meet. I am terrified that it is too late. From reading here I know I must give up on controlling outcomes in my attempts to do this but I cannot yet get there in my heart or brain. I am desperate and scared and I know it is nothing compared to what he is going through. I want to give my life to whatever I can do for these lives I've ruined. I am here for accountability and support.

Welcome PBF,
I’m pretty new here too so I’m sure others will have more advice than I do

Take a deep breath, this is a marathon not a sprint, but there is a lot to do

2 books that get suggested over and over here are "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald (make sure it’s McDonald apparently the other book by this title is trash) and "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Write out a timeline. Go over it. Go over it again. If you have trickle truthed you need to look into polygraphs in your area and give this information to your spouse. A good suggestion of question is does the timeline leave anything out you remember. A good rule at our house is never say "there is nothing else" because inevitably you will remember something

Find out your why. Book a Counsellor. Something drives you to this behaviour and you need to find out what does that or you will not be reconciled. You will just be a wayward spouse who isn’t currently cheating.

Betrayed Husbands are a special breed. Search YouTube for videos on it, particularly flooding. Look at the Betrayed Menz thread in I can relate here. You need to grow empathy for his situation if you are ever going to help him.

My BH found it helpful when I made a list of every time I disrespected the marriage and a list of things I have done to make myself a safer partner. Your second list needs to continuously grow.

It’s going to take time. A lot of it. You need to practice total honesty, don’t even lie about "little things" right now (none of the lies are going to be little to him) and if you catch yourself lying correct it right away

Good luck

I just want to welcome you.

ChampionRugsweeper has given you some great suggestions.

Keep posting. Let us know specific issues you are struggling with and we can help you through them.

You found a great resource!

Hello, PleaseBeFixable, and welcome to SI. Let's get to work!

I gave what I thought was a full disclosure admitting the fact that I have looked for every opportunity to betray since we were together last night.

Have you given any thought to why you were looking for those opportunities? Fair warning, whatever answer you give is probably just the first layer of your true motivations, but it's where you start. And then, to each answer, you ask yourself again: why? Why did you think that infidelity was the solution? What other options did you have, and why did you discard them? And finally, why the qualifier of "what I thought was a full disclosure?" I mean, you're right, it almost certainly was not a full disclosure, but what's on your mind that makes you say so outright?

He, understandably, thinks there will always be something more, as I have trickle truthed and swore it was everything every time.

He's correct. If you're still struggling with letting go of the outcome, you still have secrets in the vault. Even your username illustrates that your primary goal is damage control. I get it, I do, more deeply and authentically than you can imagine. Handing over the keys to my darkest secrets, knowing that what was in there might make my BS say, "Well that's it, then, I'm out," was a moment of terror that no one can understand if they haven't been there. It feels not just foolhardy, it feels suicidal. That's an illusion, though. The secrecy is what's deadly, leaching the oxygen away by slow, suffocating degrees.

I have a list of action points I will do for the next several days in an attempt to actually address the needs he has begged me to meet.

What are they?

I am terrified that it is too late. From reading here I know I must give up on controlling outcomes in my attempts to do this but I cannot yet get there in my heart or brain.

It took me far too long to get there, too -- 29 years, in fact. Let's figure out together how to make it happen.

2 books that get suggested over and over here are "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald (make sure it’s McDonald apparently the other book by this title is trash) and "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Thank you for your response. I've read How to Help...and Not Just Friends is on its way.

Write out a timeline. Go over it. Go over it again. If you have trickle truthed you need to look into polygraphs in your area and give this information to your spouse. A good suggestion of question is does the timeline leave anything out you remember. A good rule at our house is never say "there is nothing else" because inevitably you will remember something

I really like this rule you have. Thank you.

Find out your why. Book a Counsellor. Something drives you to this behaviour and you need to find out what does that or you will not be reconciled. You will just be a wayward spouse who isn’t currently cheating.

We have been in couple's since September when he found out and I also do individual. He has asked us to have a separate couple's therapist because he doesn't think ours can be neutral in the way we need and I am going to make that happen.

Betrayed Husbands are a special breed. Search YouTube for videos on it, particularly flooding. Look at the Betrayed Menz thread in I can relate here. You need to grow empathy for his situation if you are ever going to help him.
My BH found it helpful when I made a list of every time I disrespected the marriage and a list of things I have done to make myself a safer partner. Your second list needs to continuously grow.

Thank you for these resources and ideas. I am going to use them.

Thank you, BraveSirRobin. Your response is helpful practically and emotionally. It is good to feel like there are people here who can help walk me through things.

Have you given any thought to why you were looking for those opportunities? Fair warning, whatever answer you give is probably just the first layer of your true motivations, but it's where you start. And then, to each answer, you ask yourself again: why? Why did you think that infidelity was the solution? What other options did you have, and why did you discard them? And finally, why the qualifier of "what I thought was a full disclosure?" I mean, you're right, it almost certainly was not a full disclosure, but what's on your mind that makes you say so outright?

I have been digging into this in IC and it goes back to attachment/personality issues from repeated family trauma. I don't know if I need to get into it now, but the crux, maybe is my mom telling me as a young adult that she never loved my father. I then repeatedly questioned our relationship, tested my feelings, and essentially turned it into a self fulfilling prophecy. This is a huge sticking point for my BH and I completely understand. He feels our entire relationship was fake, I have never been on his team, this is something inherently wrong with me and the way I see him and that it is not reparable.

He's correct. If you're still struggling with letting go of the outcome, you still have secrets in the vault. Even your username illustrates that your primary goal is damage control. I get it, I do, more deeply and authentically than you can imagine. Handing over the keys to my darkest secrets, knowing that what was in there might make my BS say, "Well that's it, then, I'm out," was a moment of terror that no one can understand if they haven't been there. It feels not just foolhardy, it feels suicidal. That's an illusion, though. The secrecy is what's deadly, leaching the oxygen away by slow, suffocating degrees.

I have finally, finally come to see this and see that it is my only chance. My confession the other night was everything I have been holding on to, which is essentially, I have been looking to do this, intentionally, the entire time. It really does feel suicidal and I am clinging to hope in a way that feels foolish because I have to right now.

What are they?

-Go Through the book Private Lies, which I read but had trouble talking about when he asked and reread the things I bookmarked and talk to him about them in an honest way
-Watch all of the extras vault videos in the limerance course he asked me to do when he first found out (though he now does not think this was helpful at all because it's not things that happened to me but things I sought out
-Reread all of the screenshots I have taken from this forum on a regular basis
-Read posts from the BS side and send him any I think might be helpful
-follow up on a tasks he asked me to do related to getting rid of things that were or he felt like were shrines to me and my emotional affair partner
-reread Helping Your Spouse Heal with a more open heart
-Read a John Gottman book
-Help him make an IC appointment if he is open to it (this is very scary for me because I know there is a huge chance any therapist would tell him to get out)
-Find a couple's counselor who is different from my IC, as he has requested
-Finish a Borderline Personality Disorder workbook I have been working through
-Therapy on Thursday
-Find polygraph info (though when I offered yesterday he was skeptical because he says they are not valid)

And now, because of other suggestions in this thread:
-Search YouTube for Betrayed Husbands videos
-Create a list of times I have disrespected the marriage and things I have done to become safer and keep adding to the latter side

It took me far too long to get there, too -- 29 years, in fact. Let's figure out together how to make it happen.

Thank you so much

Hello and Welcome. Serial cheater and liar here who has been fighting who I am an all I have done/am doing for a long time. I do not have much to offer, but I found the book "Steering Clear" by Earl Wilson to be exceptionally insightful and helpful in unpacking what you have done and with good advice to stay off the "slippery slope" in the future.

He feels our entire relationship was fake, I have never been on his team, this is something inherently wrong with me and the way I see him and that it is not reparable.

If he thinks it is not reparable, is he making a plan to separate? If not, has he given you reasons why he's sticking around? What finally convinced you that you need to take action?

Don't get me wrong: whatever your motivation and no matter how late you're getting on board, it's time to get healthy. However, context is helpful in giving advice.

follow up on a tasks he asked me to do related to getting rid of things that were or he felt like were shrines to me and my emotional affair partner

That's a good one to tackle first. It's practical and can produce immediate results. Every shred of memorabilia can be in a box by the end of today. Make sure you understand correctly whether he wants an opportunity to look through it or if he just wants it all gone.

I had a memory box that was stashed in a closet in my childhood home, and I had to come clean to my father about the affair in order to get my hands on it. My BH and I opened it together, and he read everything before we threw it all away. That was a very useful trust building exercise. It also proves commitment to letting go of the safety net/ego kibble of external validation. That shrine has no value in building a healthier outlook for yourself.

Help him make an IC appointment if he is open to it (this is very scary for me because I know there is a huge chance any therapist would tell him to get out)

Any sane person would have told my BH to get out. If your husband doesn't evaluate divorce as a possibility, then he's not going to be able to authentically heal. Reconciliation is a choice. It can't happen if both parties don't have the agency to choose it. That's another reason why trickle truth is sabotage. No one can put together a puzzle with missing pieces.

-Find polygraph info (though when I offered yesterday he was skeptical because he says they are not valid)

It is, IMO, very useful to prepare for a polygraph even if you never end up taking it. If that poly was booked for tomorrow, what would scare you? What do you worry would trigger the meter? What would you be praying they didn't ask you? That's where your work is. Unless you're ready to jump in the car and go right now, your fear will guide you to the places where you still haven't come clean. WS are so skilled at lying to ourselves, and a polygraph is an excellent tool to force those lies out.

Last minute "parking lot" confessions are common for waywards. Unfortunately, I know multiple WS who are now divorced because the parking lot was too late. Their refusal to stop lying, right up until their backs were against the wall, convinced their spouses that there was nothing authentic to work with. This is your opportunity to prove that you have the ability and the guts to be honest on your own. If you can't, you really do owe him the divorce you're trying to avoid.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 8:21 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

I agree 100% with BSR on the polygraph being a useful tool for finding out where you’re still lying to even yourself.

I found the information for one for my BH but specifically asked not to know what the questions were in advance so that I could see where the pressure points were for me.

Even just having him talk to the polygraph administrator seemed to help him clarify for himself what he actually wanted to know. Contacting them costs you nothing until you actually book

I agree 100% with BSR on the polygraph being a useful tool for finding out where you’re still lying to even yourself.

I found the information for one for my BH but specifically asked not to know what the questions were in advance so that I could see where the pressure points were for me.

Even just having him talk to the polygraph administrator seemed to help him clarify for himself what he actually wanted to know. Contacting them costs you nothing until you actually book

This is a great way to look at it. Thank you.

If not, has he given you reasons why he's sticking around? What finally convinced you that you need to take action?

In my head we/I had been making progress though I knew there was a lot to do. In his head, I hadn't done nearly enough and the fact that I hadn't done some of the main things he asked, along with a lack of full honest disclosure showed I didn't care to do anything. This came to a head when I saw he was on the verge of leaving, which prompted the action. In the few days since then, it has become increasingly clear through talking through that disclosure that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. He is staying for the me that is going to fight that for him and for us.

That's a good one to tackle first. It's practical and can produce immediate results. Every shred of memorabilia can be in a box by the end of today. Make sure you understand correctly whether he wants an opportunity to look through it or if he just wants it all gone.

I took care of the immediate ones we talked about and as I've remembered and come across other things I've told him about it and dealt with it.

Any sane person would have told my BH to get out. If your husband doesn't evaluate divorce as a possibility, then he's not going to be able to authentically heal. Reconciliation is a choice. It can't happen if both parties don't have the agency to choose it.

I talked to him about this and he mentioned feeling embarrassed about it--like he would be judged by the therapist for wanting to stay. I talked to my therapist about that yesterday and she brought up the point that he can specifically ask questions about that in intakes and can always leave the therapist if he does feel that way. She also mentioned therapy will give him tools that will be applicable to supporting and negotiating relationships with our kids (who he obviously wants in his life uncondionally) if they have similar mental health issues. I told him this and he agreed it makes sense.

It is, IMO, very useful to prepare for a polygraph even if you never end up taking it. If that poly was booked for tomorrow, what would scare you? What do you worry would trigger the meter? What would you be praying they didn't ask you? That's where your work is. Unless you're ready to jump in the car and go right now, your fear will guide you to the places where you still haven't come clean. WS are so skilled at lying to ourselves, and a polygraph is an excellent tool to force those lies out.

Thank you. I'm trying to do some honest introspection about this.