SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ex wayward wife was using apps that I had no idea about. And I think she knew that if she was on her phone all the time or if she was guarded about it then I would become suspicious. So she did start leaving it lay around. And she would use it when I was in the room with her. However what was actually happening was she was using a secret app or secret function of an app to send messages and pictures and videos to her boyfriend. But when I looked on her phone I would not find anything.

Trust your gut. That is what I have learned. There should be no secrets in a healthy relationship of trust and loyalty. You should be able to ask "Who are you talking to?" when you see her messaging someone. And she should not quickly close the phone when you walk in the room. But what you are describing is the beginning of what many of us have been through.

Don't make excuses for her as many of us did because we love our spouse and we could just never imagine that they would ever do anything like what our gut tells us is going on. They are too good of a person or they have never given you a reason to be suspicious before or whatever we tell ourselves to not face reality. We have to be prepared for the fact that this person is most likely being swept away and you don't really even know them anymore. They are in the fog of limerence and they will lie to you to cover up what is really going on.

Stay strong and vigilant. Do not let on that you suspect anything or else she will just be more careful in taking things underground and then gaslight you to make you feel and look crazy. You don't want that.

Voice activated recorders placed in her car and in in the house might catch her in conversation. Put a tracker on her car. They are small and magnetic and affordable and easily traced. They make spy cameras that you can order online to put in the house wherever you might be able to catch her in the act. They make these cameras to look like smoke detectors, electric outlets, phone chargers, light bulbs, pens, even in the eye or a button on a teddy bear.

If you can afford it, hire a private investigator.

You might want to try setting her up by leaving the house for a few hours and see what she does. What would she do if you were gone for a few days?

Sadly, this is no way to live. We have all been feeling what you are feeling. It sucks. But your intuition is telling you something for a reason.

Wickr Me, Pushbullet, Cryptokit (if tech savvy only), Signal Private Messenger (can change colours but the grey/white bubbles is an option if not the default, forget, recent ex had his in red :( ), Wire, Element x - are some secret messaging apps that have white/pale grey/grey bubbles but like Signal some of the more popular secret apps allow you to customise colours.

If it was more pale green instead of grey then that opens some more while cancelling out above. Check the apple App Store to see if these are compatible with wife’s phone, some might be android exclusive. If you find one you think is similar download it to see how it can be hidden maybe?

Did you check her games? This year more fake games that are actually chat apps have come out. Also if she has a calculator chat app, like calculator pro, you will need the passcode in order to change the calculator into the message service. Also FB messenger has a secret messenger now, default is blue/light grey but if she uses fb check to see if it could be that, I think you can change bubble colours too, not 100% though.

No doubt she would have noticed you noticing the screen, very suspicious that she left it out and you couldn’t even match the chat screen to any of apps listed. Did you swipe constantly to make sure you saw all screens? I think on newer iPhones you can drop an app by itself on page/screen 6 for example even though all other apps are one the first and second screen. Did you open all folders as well? Similar story, in a folder you can have multiple screens to drop an app, swipe across to make sure.

For dirt cheap you can get a mini motion camera, if your bed head is ornate enough you could fix it there and watch on your phone, I think they look like mini screw heads. Alternatively if you have some cash to burn on this you could get a cute personal AI companion that has a camera feature, like nanny cam, that you can stream live vid on your phone. She might treat it as a boy toy and not look more into it, alternative nanny cams come is so many shapes these days, an option to keep close to her side of the bed.

Stay well rested and alert. Be mindful of your own body language. Set a date for yourself (pick a date for your investigations to stop and a big choice to be made regardless of what you find) for your own mental wellness, this can become an obsessive activity and you don’t want to go crazy over the unknown.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 10:08 PM, Wednesday, December 27th]

Hi NardDog77.

Sorry you find yourself here. Not going to go through SI's "greatest hits" but three things I do recommend is that 1) don't talk to friends about what is going on. Friends, understandably, are going to try and fix things for you and they will minimize each and every one of her OBVIOUSLY shady behaviors. So, in the end, you will have achieved nothing other than have a bunch of friends feel sorry for you. 2) Start emotionally detaching yourself from your wife. The person you first met is gone. She's no longer that person. 3) Start mentally preparing yourself for the possibility that you may never know the extent of your wife's adultery. I know it's hard but you MUST get to a point when/where you will feel comfortable not checking up on her and her actions and live with it. Only then will you be able to move on to a place and time where/when your sanity and health are preserved. Once you do these three things, you will be able to make clearer decisions and even divorce if you so wish.

I'm saying the above because I too was once in your shoes. You WILL be at a better place soon.

I am sorry to read your story.

I have learnt some big lessons. Gather as much evidence as possible before you confront!

I would bug her car with and even add a tracker to see where she is going. The car she will see as her safe place, within 1 hour of tracking mine lead me to her and him!

I used a second hand Iphone, I added find my friends, and put the phone on Auto answer and put in the front passage footwell with no sounds or vibration! I heard call after call to the AP

Good luck.

There are lots of tales here about WW finding the keylogger or cam. Also recording where you are not present is illegal in most states.

So, if she leaves a lot during the day, a PI is the best way to go. Chances are that you will know in a week if it is happening. Once they start they can’t stop.

I love this site, as is evident in how long I have been here and my participation as one of the staff.
However… there are some areas where this site possibly can do more damage than good…
This is a site for hammer-enthusiasts. Everything shared here looks like a nail… Our standard reply is to hit it on the head.
Only… we aren’t really certain what it is you are sharing with us…

You are using parking location, time for a massage and irregular shower-time to deduct she’s cheating… Then to confirm it all she tries to share something you might enjoy…

Friend – your evidence is weak. Like really really weak.

As a former cop I have experience and training in investigating and evidence gathering. Keep in mind that you only need good-enough evidence to convince YOURSELF. You don’t have to prove anything to her, or to anyone else. All that is needed is that YOU are convinced beyond reasonable doubt that YOU have the truth.
Possibly the biggest mistake people make on this site is investigating to find infidelity.
If you focus on finding infidelity you only search for that. Instead – search for the TRUTH.
That truth might be infidelity. It might be that she didn’t get a massage but had botox or some procedure she doesn’t want you to know about. Or it might be that shes joining a cult. Or… maybe the massage was cover to go meet her lover. MAYBE…. MAYBE…. But don’t give yourself a conclusion right away. Maybe she just went and had a massage. Maybe she had to wait half an hour. Maybe she had to drop off to get some stuff in a store near the place she parked. Maybe the lot was full. Whatever.

Then there are all the other "leads" you have – frankly none of them are strong IMHO.

I have two suggestions:
Search for what is going on rather than a predetermined conclusion, and give yourself reasonable time. Like if you find nothing suspicious within 6-8 weeks then that might be because there is nothing to find…

Go back to basics…
Stop trying to bug her phone or monitor her programs or search for obscure forms of communications.
If she’s having an affair there are three key areas to monitor:

Finances.
Like a 2-hour massage costs… Can you find a reasonable transaction? If it’s ATM withdrawals, then what ATM? In an area she should frequent? (Maybe she parked there to go to the nearest ATM…).
What about other transactions – hotels, motels, lingerie-stores, beauty-treatments, meals… coinciding with the day(s) before the "massage"?
Transactions for things you can’t see/find at home? Like a transaction from a clothes-store yet no new blouse or dress in the closet. Transactions from the pharmacy but no new band-aids or painkillers in the house.
Be careful – individual transactions might not say too much. Like she could drop into a pharmacy and buy gum. But if added to other indicators…

Communications.
There is no way that chat-communications will suffice. There are areas where they will feel safe enough to talk directly. Generally that’s the vehicle – during the commute to and from work. If she’s stay-at-home then it’s her home-office, bedroom or bathroom, probably when she thinks she’s alone. A voice-activated recorder or nanny-cam (just keep in mind the legality and possible consequences).
What about the phone-bill? Any strange repeated activity?

Time and timings.
There might not be anything excessively unusual in having a massage every week – especially if there are physical health reasons for it. But that should be reflected in the home-finances – as in several hundred bucks per month. Plus the time and timing… If the massage is always on a Friday evening or at odd times that might always coincide with what might be convenient times to meet a lover…
It’s also a question of believability… Like if she insists going to the Mall on a Thursday evening and get’s all dressed up or insists that the girls are having a Bridge-evening on Saturday evenings or whatever.
Affairs take time, and time is limited. Being in an affair will cut down on time spent on other things.

Bigger, that was an absolutely awesome, logical response. Thank you.