SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've posted about my ADHD spouse and being on the fence. I'm in observation mode, waiting to see how long and if the work will die out over time or if there is sustainable change. A couple of red flags in which I couldn't tell if I'm being manipulated I would love cleared up...

1.) My business has been slower than normal since the Fall. I was talking with my H about it and he asked about my marketing efforts. I said I haven't been doing anything with marketing for a while now. He asked why and I replied, "8/7th" (which was DDay). He responds with, "The blows keep coming". I asked for clarification and he explained, "More things I've ruined".
2.) For a while my H was using the kid's bathroom to give me space. Well, it was causing too much stress for my son so H started using our bathroom again, my suggestion. Now he asked permission to go in there even though I've said I don't care. It's like he tiptoes around me and I have barely even raised my voice these last 5 months.

I feel like these responses make it so hard for me to share any hurt I'm experiencing from the cheating because he just goes to shame and there is no space for me. He also acts like a scolded little child all the time and it makes me feel horrible about myself. We have talked about it but he just can't seem to make a change in this area. Am I overthinking his response? This is one example of many.

I think we fell into the parent/child dynamic common among partners of those with ADHD/low executive functioning. I'm so tired of feeling like a mean person, especially when I haven't been intentionally mean. I believe to heal and reconcile we would need to share in this together. With these responses, I'm not healing at all. I'm bottling it up to manage his moods like I did before.

He is considering medication for his ADHD but it would probably take an ultimatum from me (I had to do that for him to get tested). Turned out ADHD and 1% on the executive functioning test. I am done with being the one to push...it makes me hate myself because he just looks so broken and hurt when I do.

I'm just not sure I can heal while simultaneously handling the ADHD spouse burnout I've been facing for 33 years.

Thank you for any thoughts.

Just a quick thought for you since I have little time - yes this is a red flag for both of you:

He also acts like a scolded little child all the time and it makes me feel horrible about myself. We have talked about it but he just can't seem to make a change in this area. Am I overthinking his response?

First what you can control: there is no reason for you to feel "horrible" about yourself in relation to him acting like you are punishing him by talking about/discussing/feeling the effects of the A. AND - I have news for you - YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED AND HE KNOWS IT. Ask me how I know? (Spoiler alert: My WH was a MASTER at this type of behavior and he will be the first to tell you now - but only after almost 4 years of IC - that when he did that he WAS trying to manipulate me).

Second what you cannot control: your WS's acting like the victim/acting like he can't handle facing his own behaviors - isn't your fault AND it's not something that will change overnight. What you said below would have been classic - right out of my WH's mouth:

He asked why and I replied, "8/7th" (which was DDay). He responds with, "The blows keep coming". I asked for clarification and he explained, "More things I've ruined".

My response back then would be to internally feel bad and perhaps wonder why he would feel that way. Later I realized that this was just him trying to make everything all about him. And now, IF my WH were to say something like that, my response would be to say something like "Yeah, I never realized how much damage an affair could do, but I have really struggled since finding out and it affected just about every aspect of my life. I am perplexed why you want to make it about you instead of wanting to help me or even commiserate with me." If he were to respond with more of the same "poor me" bullshit my response would be something like "your lack of willingness to see things from my perspective instead of making about it yourself indicates to me that you are either incapable or unwilling to try to repair the damage done to me in all of this - and I honestly don't see any path forward if that is the way you honestly see things."

I can't tell you how many times I pleaded with my WH to understand that I was not doing and saying the things I did to hurt him. The only thing that got through to him was my showing him I really was leaving him. When he grasped that he was not going to be able to push the situation around to suit his feelings and still have me there he was forced to make a choice about how to proceed. And people told me this over and over and over again on this site - and they were correct.

He also acts like a scolded little child all the time and it makes me feel horrible about myself.

I think you need to do some work on codependence, or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days. There's tremendous power and peace in learning to detach from another person's emotions. If he's deliberately trying to manipulate you, he won't be able to drag you down. If he's not and his shame/guilt is authentic, you'll learn to separate yourself from it. His feelings are his. You don't have to go down the rabbit hole with him. It takes time to unravel codep behaviors, but it's worth the work. I've learned not to save my H from his guilt. I've learned that it's okay to share my truth and my feelings about the pain that he caused me - even if it causes him pain.

Regarding the bathroom, I think I'd tell him: Stop asking me to use the bathroom and quit being weird about it. Just use it like you would have before anything happened. Easy peasy.

He responds with, "The blows keep coming". I asked for clarification and he explained, "More things I've ruined".

I'd probably respond with "YEP." I mean, at least he's owning it. YOU don't have to feel bad because HE feels bad for screwing things up. It's a normal response to feel crappy about the problems that you've caused.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:47 PM, Monday, December 18th]

This defensiveness/manipulation is not his ADHD - nor is your tiptoeing around. You're overly sensitive to, and feel responsible for, his moods and he understands that and uses is to manipulate you. Medication alone is not going to solve this problem.

Thank you ThisIsSoLonely, SacredSoul33, Emergent8
I just started a workbook on codependency. I thought that was what was happening but being this way for so long I doubt myself from time to time.
SacredSoul those were my exact responses :)
Just wrestling with the urge to doubt myself but this is validating.

Yay! Keep up the good work!

I agree with others in stopping with trying to make him happy or feel better. His issues are exactly that HIS.
When he gives you some passive aggressive woe is me statement simply call it out. We had a bullshit rule on our R. We got incredibly real and honest with each other. But if he said something in an attempt to manipulate then it was on me to call it out. I'd simply say bullshit. When I won exhibit my codependent behaviors he would call me out. It was really hard and really scary initially.
But I have been able to shed that scared CoD person and it worked wonders for us.

Do not own his feelings. If you are not in IC I urge you to get into it. This is a huge trauma and is really hard to work through and if you had an abusive or alcoholic parent it tends to create a lifetime of trying to fix others problems. It takes a lot of work to unlearn those behaviors. But I'm here to tell you it can be done.

Be very frank with him and tell him you are done walking on eggshells. Then start working on healing you.

I have ADHD; I never cheated on my spouse nor have I ever used my condition as an excuse to behave like a 12 year old.

If your husband needs medication for proper cognitive function, he should be taking it. I know you don't want to give him an ultimatum, but what choice is he giving you? If he were a type 1 diabetic who refused to take his insulin, would you tolerate him passing out or going into a diabetic coma periodically? Or would you say "enough is enough" and expect him to manage his health?

If your husband requires the same amount of oversight and micromanaging that your actual child needs, then you might as well get divorced. From the sounds of it, you're already a single parent.

BluerthanBlue - Thank you, I need direct feedback like this. He is such a child, and I'm holding resentment.
Tushnurse - Dad was an addict and lots of anger, losing temper, when I was a child. I watched my mom manage his mood for 18 years and learned it there. Trying to unlearn it now.

My dad is an alcoholic ADHD, Mom is an abusive narc. So use o had to unlearn the whole live to make others happy nonsense.
I'm ADHD too. So maybe that energy and lack of focus helped me to unlearn that bs.

Anyway do what you need to to keep you on track and heal.