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I am about 7 1/2 months from DDay. I am BS and my UH started his 4 1/2 month affair a year ago. Since DDay, well the day after, he has been NC, answers my questions willingly, although defensively at times. We both have IC and did a 13 week emergency marriage class and are now in a year long marriage for life group with same people we took the class with.
Truly, he is changing, I think his IC is the best thing that ever happened to him. But it is hard to see how he is evolving, feeling so positive about us, catering to any of my needs he can, reading books- facing his shame and guilt and I am feeling stuck.
I feel like I had those happy feelings, dreams for us, total trust, excitement for more time together as our boys were getting older, and now. . . I feel SO skeptical. It’s like I am sliding backwards into the highly emotional state I thought I was done with. I also am back to questioning without ceasing. I thought that was nearly done too as I thought I’d asked everything I could, but no, my brain keeps the thoughts of the secrets they had together and I feel the drive to know Every Single thing he remembers. He is willing to tell me, but will it really help or will I just find more to obsess about?
I know this is rambling, but I just hoped someone may have insight if they ever felt this way. Thank you for reading.

It’s totally normal to feel the way you do.
I am entering year 2 since Dday and it’s been a wild roller coaster.
There are days when I feel hopeful and there are days I question why I am still here
May people here on SI will tell you that it takes 2-5 years for R. And i think they are right. It’s still early for you. And it sounds like you are actually doing quite well. Your brain has been traumatized so it will seek safety and sometimes that means looking for danger signs such as :"what other secrets is my WH keeping from me?" "What else did he do with AP?" Your brain is constantly looking for a safe place to land and in order to that, it needs to seek out the land minds and get them out of the way. The obsessive thinking is so normal!! I still do this. If i see my WH buying a certain brand of clothing, I wonder if it’s a brand the AP liked. Or if he orders a certain desert he has never ordered before, i wonder if it’s something he ate with the AP. I know this is crazy talk. We can drive ourselves bonkers.
When you want to know everything he remembers, ask yourself how that would help you with your healing and R.
And if you feel that it will help, then ask.
I had posed this question in one of my posts, but if we can lump our WH’s betrayal as one big BAD thing, it might be easier to accept all the little bad things that happened under that premise. Analogy: someone set your house on fire. You lost everything. It’s the most devastating thing that has ever happened to you. You and the person who set the house on fire are working hard to rebuild. Excavating, putting up the foundation, laying down masonry, etc. and you are working as a team. The offender shows up to do the work every day and shows you respect and honor in how he conducts himself. Now, does it matter if he went to store X or Y to purchase the stuff to burn you house down? Does it matter that he burned it with a blowtorch or a match? Does it matter that he drove around the house ten times listening to a certain music before burning the house down? Do these little details really matter? The fact is, the house burnt down. You lost everything. How he did it hardly matters. Just my opinion. I hope some of this helps you.

Hi Finallyworkingonme,

I am close to five years out. Feeling those unsettling sceptical, emotional states is so unsettling and I relate to them. Looking back at my personal journey, I have had mental meltdowns and various physical problems. I got help and like you started to work on myself.

Occasionally, I get the urge or the need to question or talk about abandonment and infidelity with my fWhusband. It doesn't really matter to me why I feel this need, what matters is my reaction to his answers or comments or behaviour. I think that for me this will be an ongoing thing to do.

I will not say it gets easier with time. This stuff I went through and am going trough is not easier. What does happen is that those feelings you have today might, in time, cause you less emotional upheavals, but easier? Nope. Maybe a calmer understanding. This is what I experience, and I know others see it differently.

I am believer that in order to move forwards, one needs to occasionnaly take steps back in order to spring forwards. So no worries really about the backward slides. Expect them and know that you will spring forwards again.

I encourage you to ask as much as you need to. Even years later. It's your healing that's important and how you are coming to terms about this mess. Ask yourself how you are evolving, how your reactions are changing. Not your husband's. Yours.

And oh so gently, if I may....please don't make the mistake I made and even today I catch myself doing it....I overthink. I know this and for me, I am learning when to just let it go.

Hi, Finally, healing from infidelity is not linear. You will go through a gamut of emotions, minute by minute, hourly and daily. It's extremely normal.

Another poster mentioned it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, it's a marathon, not a sprint, sometimes two steps forward, three steps back. Initially you are in shock, when the shock wear off, you enter the anger stage, the reality of his betrayal really sinks in, and you question your new normal, something you didn't ask for or deserve.

Give yourself a little more time and grace.

"Occasionally, I get the urge or the need to question or talk about abandonment and infidelity with my fWhusband. It doesn't really matter to me why I feel this need, what matters is my reaction to his answers or comments or behaviour. I think that for me this will be an ongoing thing to do."

Thank you for the encouraging words. I know it’s true that I’m early in the process, but I need that reminder as it seems like it has been much longer, almost like I can’t remember me before.

I also appreciate the words reminding me that I was in shock for a good bit and you are right anger has followed.
I appreciate the kind words as I try to find my way out of the darkness.