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Hello! We’ve been married 10 years. Have had lots of problems with texting, social media etc. but things have been okish for the past two years or so. However I’ve noticed an uptick in his dming women on Instagram. Just twice in the last month. Once was to let a woman (they’re all people he doesn’t know personally just your typical Instagram workout model) know that he likes her pictures. The other time was to say to another woman - how is your night going? Again, not someone he knows just follows. Nobody ever messages him back. It’s just your normal cringey sliding into dms. Do I confront? Do I give him enough rope to hang himself? Or do I just let this be and force myself to think this isn’t a big deal? Because while it feels like a betrayal to me, there’s nothing really there to throw a fit about. Does anyone have any advice?

Ty!

After my D-Day 18 years ago, I made it clear and my WH agreed no more small talk with women, of course except family members and friends.

WH stuck to that boundary, speaks to neighbors briefly just to be friendly, but that's it.

I had access to his email for over a decade (work and personal) and not once did he waver.

There were occasions where female colleagues would include something personal (not bad, like hope you are well or how's the family), WH never responded because that's how he and work colleague OW opened a dialogue with just innocent chatter.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it especially since these people are strangers,

how is your night going?

^^That's opening the door for further chatter. IMO.

So he’s continuing to cheat. How sad.

You are not overreacting and it is a big deal. My H has trouble with boundaries. Because of that I am not comfortable with him friending female coworkers on his social media. I’m not comfortable with him texting female coworkers off shift. He’s a first responder (EMS) and it’s common during shift for the dispatchers, firefighters and medics on shift to communicate (text or call) during shift to share and relay information. I’m okay with that since it’s strictly work related. He’s also in a 9-month training course and he’s in with other female students. In the past he would share his phone # and text other female’s regarding schoolwork, tests, homework etc to share notes. But then one particular female started texting things unrelated to school - how are you, how was your day. When he got sick she texted him to see how he was feeling. That’s MY JOB to take care of him when he’s sick. Somehow the lines got blurred again and I had to really put my foot down. Like NO I am not comfortable with my H having females texting him and vice versa. It’s been 11 months since Dday 2 and I will NEVER waver from my comfort zone. I will never be okay with females sliding into his dms. I will never be okay with him having female friends that text him about non work stuff. I know that sounds controlling and super bitchy but THAT is what it’s gonna take for me to feel like my H is a safe partner. And if he wants to stay married then that’s what it will take - his boundaries need to be solid. And that’s the conversation we had. He knows that if there is any deviation, I’m done, I’m gone. I will not tolerate this kind of nonsense. These seemingly innocuous opening lines are the very ways that got him in trouble in the first place.

You questioning yourself make me ask what boundaries have you set?
In healingband recovery and creating a new healthy relationship there should be absolutes and never do things as well as thing we need to discuss if there are changes.
In other words there needs to be open and ongoing communication with you being absolutely comfortable in stating no this is not ok. If you dont have this then you don't have the proper beginning to R and it is destined to fail. So if you dont time for a very serious discussion. If he is unwilling to compromise then you need to be ready to make changes. If you do not feel ready to do so then you need to get comfortable knowing your spouse will continue to cross lines blur boundaries and open the door to more cheating.

Draw whatever line you're comfortable with.

My WW had a problem with boundaries. Social media, especially. EVERY single indiscretion began with an introduction and developed from there. Your husband is casting lines into the water - and based on your history - has been doing it for more than 80% of your time together. He's fishing for women.

[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 12:24 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

I am sorry that you are experiencing this type of behavior. The problem is what you allow to become normal in your marriage will only allow more behaviors that degrade your relationship. These actions are not honoring you or your relationship. He should not be looking at or commenting to other women. When we place ourselves on a slippery slope..99% of the time we are going to slide right down. This is a betrayal... don't think that it is not... You deserve more and he owes that to you. Would he feel okay with you doing this? Make him accountable for his actions. Are you a Christian couple? I always say the devil has a stronghold and is trying to destroy marriages. Act now and get help for your marriage. God Bless.

While it may seem harmless ordinarily, unfortunately, this is not ordinary anymore. Confront him and let him know you don't like it and that he must stop it right away. You do not want a repeat of what happened before.