First of all, thank you so much FaithFool, ANewPerson, grubs and The1stWife for reading and for your insights on this. I hope I can answer you all correctly formatting-wise. I haven't been able to figure out a way to respond to each message so I hope one message in response to you all will be okay. I also hope some more people will contribute with their experience/recs.
"Not Just Friends" is a good reference. A true partner worthy of you would never behave this way.
FaithFool, I just read it last week! Truth be told, I only read the part where they describe how an affair happens even in good relationships. I didn't read the whole reconciliation section, as it honestly still feels like a slap in the face (not that I ever even tried, but also not that there was anything to work with). But it felt very validating to read that the narrative that it only happens in relationships where there are problems is quite skewed.
This may go to compatibility.
Maybe it's examining mate choice?
ANewPerson, I think with my now exBF it really is a compatibility issue. He does seem to think that a relationship should just go smoothly on its own, without ever talking about it. Then when I left him he asked to talk as he wa hurting so much and then told me "Sometimes I didn't know if we were okay" to which I replied "I asked you explicitly dozens of times and you always said we were fine". Apparently me talking about problems made him feel I am some kind of sniper, waiting to "trap" him somehow. But somehow he still thinks this makes for a happy relationship. Of course, had he told me, I would have broken up with him much sooner. I can almost hear it in my mind now, "Well, not that we were ever that happy to begin with!". This made me angry, but also helped me feel like I was right on the money.
As for examining mate choice, honestly, I wish I knew how to do that! I've been in therapy for forever and they do not seem to be able to pinpoint problems with that. I actively and explicitly look for people who treat me well, and who treat others well, who seem capable of taking care of themselves (this did change after I was married, but I didn't know this was a red flag back then), and who seem on a similar level to me both politically and intellectually. I have no problem saying no to men I do not like as romantic partners and I do not have trouble leaving if it comes to that. I am really not sure what I might be doing wrong. Any pointers on this are also welcome!
Avoiding intimacy with the opposite sex is necessary behavior in a committed relationship.
A friend of mine put this beautifully when I told her how I was feeling about this break-up. She said "Look, I spend a lot of time with you and my other friends. Still, it is nowhere near to the time I spend with my partner. It would be weird of me to now go and spend more time with a male friend than I do with any of you." She has plenty of male friends and acquaintances, so she has a very good point. However, my exBF hadn't quite reached that point yet.
Your ex-BF was on the slippery slope.
grubs - Oh yes. Sometimes quite literally. They go hiking
But jokes aside, this is exactly the way I feel about it.
You didn't try to control your ex. You just removed yourself from the equation.
This is exactly what I said in response to my friend. "I am not sure how controlling I am in practice, given that I'd rather remove myself completely than ask anything at all from him". He didn't really have an answer to that.
After all with you out of the way (so to speak) he’s free to do what he wants.
The1stWife, this also feels taken straight out of my mind. It makes me incredibly sad. He did say thank you, and that I was being very generous by leaving rather than asking him to curb it, which he also was honest that he wasn't willing to do.
Thanks everyone so much for your input. I am feeling a bit better with all your support. Also because sometimes I forget that while ExH (sadly) convinced me of how controlling I am, I still had to help him get out all the stuff that he inexplicably left here when he discarded me, and about a year later he moved into my same street. Because I would move right next to my controlling ex-partner. Sheesh.
But as I said at the beginning, I am still on the lookout for more experiences/recs. Please feel free to share!