SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We did 5 years of long distance relationship. When we finally did our introduction ( a ceremony where both families; including extended families meet and get to know each other) I got to find out my now husband, then fiancé cheated on me the night before our introduction. And what is wild is that that was the only night I left him all alone in his hotel room as I went to sleep in my parents house because of tradition. I go to know months later when we were already married. I saw his chats with the lady and I was broken into million pieces. I confronted him and he lied to me until I showed him pictures of the chat conversation. I don’t know if I have forgiven him because it is something I can never forget. I keep having this fear that he’d do it again. But I made him understand that moment I notice he’s cheating on me again; I’d walk away without looking back. We’re leaving with his parents right now because we’re trying to get our lives together and I have caught his father flirt with this particular on the phone whenever his mother is not around. I had a discussion with my husband about how uncomfortable I feel about this and he made me understand he’s not like his father. But I’m really worried that I’m seeing the red flags and I’m purposely ignoring it because I’m in love. I don’t know what to do.

Hi, Funto;

I am so sorry to hear about this. It is amazing he cheated on you the night before the introduction. I am not familiar with this practice. Is it similar to an engagement? I am thinking so as you refer to him as your fiancé.

Yes, this guy cheated on you. Unfortunately, his is now your husband. I agree you are seeing many red flags, and to see his father cheating on his mother is very sad. You know from this point you will not have the support you need from his father. It could also be his mother is aware but allows it. If you are thinking about talking to your husband's parents about this matter, I would proceed with a lot of caution. I would also ask questions with the intentions of learning if the mother knows of the father's cheating. Be very stealthy, though. You don't want to let anyone know what your true intention is until you are certain they would support you.

Regarding your own family and friends, please be careful whom you talk with about this matter. For now, I would only discuss this with your closest friends and family members.

Have you considered discussing this with a counselor or religious leader?

More people will come along with better insight and advice, but know that we are here to help you in any way we can. Please post here as often as you need. The more you share with us the better we know how to help you.

Our hearts go out to you. Just know that here, you are not alone.

Hi Funto -

I wanted to pop in and say welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you had to join us. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

What is your WH (wayward husband) doing to help you heal? Is he working on himself so that he doesn't cheat again? With his father flirting when his mom is out of the room makes me wonder if your WH will do the same. Did you discuss and does your WH realize the severity?

Hi. Thank you for reaching out. I made him understand that asides from the fact that it is making me uncomfortable, it is giving me weird thoughts that just maybe the Apple did not fall far from the tree. He said he’s not like his father but I don’t believe him because he has cheated on me and I know there are others but that was the only one I caught him in.
To be honest, he doesn’t even know I’m battling with healing. Not just healing, I’m really insecure right now. When he’s out I’m always having a thousand and one thoughts about what he’s doing. I’m always sneaking up on his phone to see if there’s anything.
I try to consciously stop myself and just tell myself "if he’s gonna cheat, he’s gonna cheat…you can’t hold him down".
I don’t see myself having a conversation about this with his parents. His father does it so he’s not in the right position to scold his son. The mother mostly likely will just be complacent about the whole thing and they both will make it look like I’m a bad wife.
That’s why I’m here, to let it out so I can feel relieved abit. I was also thinking about seeing a shrink…let’s see how that goes.

Funto, sorry to see you go through this. The mother will most likely not reprimand the son, considering your culture (I know where you are from). The father does the same thing, so he lacks the moral rights to say anything about this. Chances are that the mother knows about his father's escapades, (something that is culturally acceptable where you come from) and has learnt to live with it. On his own, he's not likely going to change. The distance relationship did not really let you see who he truly is. You will have to talk to a confidant (an authority figure) whom both of you respect. That's the only person who can really talk to him, and hopefully he changes. You have forgiven him, but nobody forgets such a thing forever. I wish all the best.

Thank you!

I think you should be very concerned. And ignore his words but follow his actions. His actions will tell you everything.

His words may be "you are the love of my life" while his actions may be that he hides his phone from you or won’t give you the password to his phone (as an example). The actions contradict his words.

I’m sorry but the night he chose to cheat is very damaging in my opinion. It’s like he has no boundaries or respect. And yes he is like his father.

He knowingly cheated.

Hi, Funto, so sorry you have been betrayed by your husband.

My only recommendation is to find a good IC for yourself and stay vigilant.

What has your husband done to assure you he will never, ever cheat again.

If he's grown up in a family where cheating is acceptable, there's a good likelihood he will cheat again, but for your sake I hope not.

Ignoring red flags does not make them go away.

It's a red flag for sure, but not because of apples and trees, necessarily. I'd be bothered that his reaction to his father's behavior is doing damage control with you. Not otherwise bothered by it, except to say "that's my father, not me"? Perfectly fine with the possibility his father is cheating on his mother? That's not a great sign.

The other red flag is he was not honest until you showed him proof.

You were long distance for 5 years. My guess would be that he was cheating on you for much of that time. I don't think it's likely he would have started the night before the introduction.