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I'm sorry if this has been discussed in great detail before. Feel free to direct me if needed.
Has anyone done a shorter therapeutic separation? We are under the same roof and working on things however, I have made no promises that I'm completely set on working things out, just taking it day by day.

I would love feedback, pros, cons, benefits??

I’ve heard it can help and I certainly considered it early on, but what stopped me is knowing that I would never trust he wasn’t seeing her anymore living on his own. I needed to see where he was sleeping each night if I was going to entertain the idea of reconciliation. And yes, I am aware he hid her for a long time under my nose, but once discovered his tricks no longer worked.

I'm currently 2 1/2 months into S. This may not be as helpful, given this is the R forum (I hope I'm not running afoul of the rules), as I plan to D. However, I wasn't 100% sure what I would do when I decided to S. The trial S (separate houses in our case) helped me get the space and clarity I needed to decide I'll be happier outside of this M. I also haven't seen any real progress from STBXWH. The relationship, if we R, would still be me directing his efforts. He seemed to need to be spoonfed everything to do. This isn't unlike the rest of our marriage previously, as I have always been the decisive, get sh*t done one in the relationship. What changed was me. I just don't have it in me to put any more effort into the M.

From my perspective, a trial short S can be helpful. Whether you choose to R after or not, I found it dramatically sped my recovery (which is still in progress, but sooo much further along than when we were together everyday). Everyone is different, so you'll have to decide what works best for you, of course. I've used the time to reconnect with old hobbies, figure out how to enjoy solitude and generally work on myself (IC and journaling in particular).

I agree with with Ontheothersideofhell. I was thinking we would never reconcile if I was wondering what he was doing if separated. We also had 4 children that needed care and I was basically catatonic. I thought that he deserved to see the pain and anguish he caused, instead of escaping to a hotel. He is an avoidant personality, he had to witness me crying hysterically on the floor.

IMO, BSes need to test their WSes before deciding to R. It's often impossible to evaluate a WS's readiness and willingness to do the necessary work without lots of communication. Separation limits communications, so it seems counter-productive to me.

OTOH, if living with your WS is interfering with figuring out what you want, maybe separation will allow you to make your decision.

We are under the same roof and working on things however, I have made no promises that I'm completely set on working things out, just taking it day by day.

That looks like an approach that will work well. What problems are you experiencing that make you think a separation will help?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:41 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

I'm not sure if this is R-specific advice (it isn't!), and keep in mind that I never did a separation myself, but I think it can be a good idea for certain couples in certain situations, for example: 1) Where the WS is super foggy and either "cant decide" or is blaming their spouse for the A and a separation is necessary for them to understand the reality/real world consequences of their actions; 2) when either spouse is the kind of person who is particularly codependent or very easily swayed or influenced by the other spouse and is struggling to get their own perspective and/or make decisions in their own interest; 3) where one or both of the spouses is ambivalent or on the fence about R; and/or 4) when due to anger/outrage/hurt/volatility etc the parties are unable to live together in a reasonably peaceful or respectful manner (particularly where there are children in the house that might overhear ranting/fighting/etc). I'm sure there are other cases where it would be useful and I imagine those who have experienced this are better suited to comment on it than myself.

I do think in all of these situations, a separation is probably a trial for something more permanent, which is pretty clearly not an active move TOWARDS R, however I certainly do not think that a trial separation is antithetical to eventual R. I think that in taking some time apart, people can learn a lot about what they want and value, and in some cases that perspective/clarity is going to lead them to want to recommit to the marriage.

I've heard some people suggest that SI should uniformly recommend that every BS should insist upon a 'therapeutic separation' following D-day as a rule, and I certainly don't agree that it would be for everyone. Like OnTheOtherSideOfHell, I felt extremely possessive and insecure in the aftermath of D-day and found my husband's presence to be an enormous comfort/reassurance. I was also extremely "not chill" about needing to know every single detail and was bombarding my husband with questions every chance I got (and he was answering as best he could). In many cases, my imagination/mental recreations/mind movies were worse than the reality and I don't think I would have done well if I'd been left to my own devices.

Thank you all! Emergent8 - #2 and #3 really resonate as the reasons I'm considering. I'm on the fence and we are both codependent and I think that is interfering with our own insights. Like he sees me upset and gets frustrated but then feels guilty that he didn't hold space and comes back around and I see him trying so hard and feel hopeful and it's just a mess.

Sisoon, I agree. If one isn’t sure what they want, separation may help. I am 5 years out and happily still married. I just knew that even considering a reconciliation would not be on the table if I hadn’t witnessed his actions from day 1. There was literally nothing he could have done if we had separated sufficient enough to prove to me he wasn’t with her. That’s all I meant. I wished I could have been the type to separate temporarily, but also knew that God could have appeared and promised me he was sleeping alone and I’d have been skeptical. 😂 I must have been hoping for some sort of reconciliation otherwise I’d have not cared. This is one of those questions that I think varies by each person and personality so I offered my take.

I reread Sisoon’s message and realize I had it wrong. 😬😬😬 sorry. Anyways, Lessthinking even 5.5 years out I remember the pain and turmoil so I do hope you find the answers and peace that works for you soon. All our pain and experiences are so similar yet our wants, needs, and personalities are all so unique there really isn’t a universal manual to follow when it comes to healing.

I am sorry that you are going through this. The "not knowing, sitting on the fence." I was there. After going to marriage counseling, they say you should not separate if you plan to heal the marriage because you need to share your lives together to work on it. When it happened to me, I made him leave immediately and he was not home for three months. I could not think straight. He showed me that he would do anything it took to get me back. It was not even in my radar at that time because I was grieving so terribly, but with the work he was putting in and also I believe the work God had in him and me, we reconciled. However, in retrospect I do not know if that is the best way forward to repair your marriage. I hope you find peace and your answers come quickly. God Bless.