SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday, my H messaged me on his way home from work and said that he was "stopping by" the veterans organization that he runs. Okay, cool. I'm thinking he'll be home in a couple of hours.

I called him about 6:30 and asked him to bring me something yummy for dinner. He said he was planning on having two drinks and then heading home, and he was already almost finished with the first one. He'll call me when he leaves and we can discuss what's for dinner.

At 7:40, he sent me a text: "Delayed. Talking with Tony." No worries. I figure I'll see him about 8:30.

At 9, I start sending funny gifs about starving to death. Nothin'. They were sent in Messenger, so I can tell he hadn't looked at them.

I called him at 9:20 and he said that he had gotten sidetracked and hadn't thought about his agreement to bring me dinner at all. I'm hurt and pissed and I tell him so. I had a bowl of cereal and watched Big Brother.

At 10:30, I could see on the iPhone map that he was still at the post and I called him. "Look, I'm getting madder by the minute and I don't want to, so I called you." He appreciated that and stepped outside so we could talk.

He says that he got engrossed in a conversation with an older lady whose husband just died last week and forgot all about me, and intimated that I was being insensitive and selfish by expecting him to put me first (aka think about me at all) when he's having this deep heartfelt conversation with someone. I said, "Nope. Uh uh. Look, all you had to do from the git go is say 'I'm going to the post to hang out. I don't know how late I'll be so I can't bring you dinner. I'll let you know when I'm headed home.' Don't fucking lead me on with verbiage like 'stopping by' and 'delayed.' And if you do get sidetracked, all you have to do is take 30 seconds to shoot me a text to let me know that plans have changed." 30 friggin' seconds is not a lot to ask, but the problem is even getting to the point where he remembers that he made a commitment to me. He doesn't remember at all - until I call and am upset with him. And then he feels guilty and gets defensive.

He tried to say that the "Delayed" message should have registered with me to get my own dinner. Uh, no. You said "DELAYED" not "Can't bring dinner." Clear communication, man. CLEAR. COMMUNICATION.

The he started hollering about being a good man, and all the good work he does at the post, and how he deserves for me to cut him some slack and I said, "NOPE. STOP. THAT'S NOT THE TOPIC RIGHT NOW. We're talking about your actions not matching your words today."

Time management has been an ongoing problem since day one. One time when we were very early in our relationship, he was home on leave and borrowed my car when I was at work. I stood outside waiting for him when I got off and was HOT when he finally showed up half an hour late and said, "I'm sorry. I got lost." He meant he lost track of time, but I heard "I'm trying to play it off like I'm late because I got lost in the town I grew up in." I essentially told him not to ever pull that shit in MY CAR ever again or I will cut you. We were in a brand new relationship where he was scorching hot to trot to be with me after chasing me for three years, and he still forgot about me.

Anyway, I think he truly has ADHD, a one-track mind, and time blindness, so I'm not sure how reasonable it is to expect him to remember me when he's engrossed in something else. And I don't know what the solution is. Is it yet another thing that has to rest on my shoulders so as not to be a constant sore spot? Because look, bitch, I have ADHD too and I don't let your ass down like that.

What I need to ascertain is whether or not he'd forget SOMEONE ELSE if they had asked him to bring dinner or whatever, because right now I'm thinking he wouldn't, but that could just be my butthurt talking. I think that another person would be in the back of his mind the whole time he was engrossed in conversation. He's good about keeping commitments to other people. So there's something in him that maybe views me as an extension of him? Or something?

Input appreciated.

Pertinent info: Infidelity is not a current concern. We're in the best shape we've ever been in, with deep, meaningful connection and growth. I'm trying to remind myself that perfection is not attainable, and there will be incidents like this because we're human.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:56 PM, Friday, November 3rd]

So, this seems like a normal marriage fight, not an infidelity fight.

I have ADHD and time blindness is an issue for me. I get it. I lose track of time easily, particuarly when I'm doing something that interests me. But this isn't about that. This is just about being inconsiderate. If I got a call from an angry spouse, I would say "oh shit, I'm sorry, I lost track of time. Are you still hungry? What should I grab." Or even, "Oh shit, I'm sorry, I lost track of time. I'm in the middle of something right now and I feel rude leaving/want to continue. Are you okay ordering in? I'm sorry, I'm a jerk."

But here's your part, by 8:30 when he said he was delayed and not still talking to Tony, you should have noted that he was in no hurry to come home and either should have clarified whether or not he was coming or not or whether you should order in/fend for yourself. You still would have been justified in being upset in that situation for him having changed the plans on you, but at least you wouldn't have been hungry AND upset in the situation (a particularly dangerous combination - for me at least). You let yourself stew. I don't know when you normally eat, but in my household, I'm in bed by 10-10:30. Ain't no way I'm waiting until 9 for dinner.

You both made assumptions and were both wrong in them. Was he MORE wrong? For sure, particularly after 9:20 when he realized you were mad and didn't get his ass in gear to fix the situation. His "I deserve this" is bullshit, you were not mad about him spending time there, you were mad because he unilaterally changed the plan on you without the courtesy of a phone call. So yeah, you're totally justified being mad in this.

What I need to ascertain is whether or not he'd forget SOMEONE ELSE if they had asked him to bring dinner or whatever, because right now I'm thinking he wouldn't, but that could just be my butthurt talking. I think that another person would be in the back of his mind the whole time he was engrossed in conversation.

This seems like a totally different issue/fight. I'm not sure we have the requisite background in this to respond.

I guess I'm now something like ADHD-distractible; used to be ADD. I'm distractible except when I'm not, but for some reason, I remain time-conscious. I'm rarely late.

Shortly after our wedding, my W freaked out when I went for 'a drink' with colleagues after work and didn't let her know until I was about 3 hours late, so I keep my appointments with her.

But I do other things that ...um... she'd prefer I not do. I don't do them with others, unless I feel very comfortable with them. I think that's a combo of 1) an unfortunate aspect of being myself with my W more than I am with others and 2) knowing she's there for me. Some people might reframe the 2nd point to, say, 'he takes his partner for granted,' but I still think it's that she's with me, and I'm with her, come hell or high water.

I'll say that my W's freak-out 3 months into our M was enough for me never to come home late without letting her know as soon as I know I'll be late. I can still see and hear her when I walked through our door that night.

But I can still say, 'I'll do it this afternoon,' and then get involved in something else and never get to doing what I agreed to do.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:35 PM, Saturday, November 4th]

What’s his role in this organization and what is the time commitment? Sounds to me like he stopped-by to get a drink and socialize. Stopping-by in my understanding means a short interval.

He didn’t communicate. If it’s a one time thing, then grace should be given. If it’s on the regular or happening enough to irritate, it’s worth a discussion.

Be an adult and send a text. You have every right to be put out that he extended his stop-by to an all-nighter.

Also, I find his talking points manipulative. He was delayed helping a widow?! How did that stop his thumbs from working? You should not expect him to text you in a considerate way when he’s having deep meaningful convos… c’mon dude. I’m sure he took a pee break whilst consoling her, and having beverages. So why is pausing for a text any more difficult?

Listen IMO working married couples have a lot to manage. If you throw in home ownership/maintenance, kids, pets, holiday, family gatherings and so on. If you each have volunteer activities and other social commitments you maintain as individuals, you both should have some understanding of the others event framework and time commitment.

Its harder and harder to just have some down time together as a couple without and agenda or tasks to accomplish. So I put value on that. Friday night at my house, when possible, is pizza night. We stream, cuddle up with doggies, maybe play some cribbage on our deck and decompress from the workweek.

I say all that to ask if you were just looking forward to being with him and he basically, intermittently chose not to be home all night on a veg night that mattered to you. Now it’s a whole thing about you demanding him to bring you dinner and him blowing you off.

I Raised an ADHD kid so get the hyper focus, loss of time deal. There are work arounds that my kiddo had to learn that kept him accountable and self aware. Visual cues, use of detailed planner, focused time blocks & breaks, and buddy work. There is so much help and information out there that your H can look into. Some of the tips and tricks are simple, but life changing.

Quick example- My son loves golf and I guess tee times are super rigid. He basically divided up his life/ schedule with things that you needed to be on tee-time for of those that had more flexibility. He had to put in in those terms for himself to ‘get it’. It’s always touched my heart that this is how his brain works.

Hang in there.

My H's work has recently been a pain in the ass. Your post definitely helped me communicate through it. And it gave me direct insight into what my H struggles with around my time blindness.

I have ADHD and time blindness is a genuine thing. Time management is something I struggle with. What is a quick calculation for my H (and can be done silently in his head) is a full 5 minute walk through with him for me. He's learned to be patient with me in this over the years- my need for a "dress rehearsal" so to speak. H's realized that if he wants me somewhere at a specific time, and I have plans, that a walkthrough is needed for me to sort my day out to make it happen.

It sounds like your H has avoidance and time keeping issues. Wishing you both luck as you wade through it.

Sorry that I posted and then disappeared. We had a busy weekend!

We talked this out and he admitted to a couple of things: He didn't want to disappoint me by telling me no about bringing me dinner. He now understands that the very minor disappointment I'd feel about him telling me no is not even a blip on the radar compared to the huge disappointment of him blowing me off. Truth be told, I expected a no but thought that I'd give it a shot.

And then he said that he pushed back with how I should have known that "delayed" meant that it's not happening, and how he's a good man, and all that other bullshit because he was sick and tired of being in the doghouse and he was lashing out. He was essentially having a tantrum.

He's embarrassed by all of this. The solution is that when something like this happens in the future, and he does want to commit to doing something for someone, he'll set an alarm on his phone. If he gets lost in time, the alarm will remind him. Honestly, I'll probably have to remind him to set an alarm the first few times.

You let yourself stew.

I really wasn't stewing and angry until after the 9:20 phone call. I watched his little dot on the map and every minute that passed that it didn't start moving in the direction of home, I got madder. That's when I was stewing. Then I called him at 10:30 because I knew that getting myself more and more amped up was not going to help anything. We've committed to real-time transparency and that's the driving force behind that call.

Some people might reframe the 2nd point to, say, 'he takes his partner for granted,' but I still think it's that she's with me, and I'm with her, come hell or high water.

That's pretty much what he said. There's ease there, which I suppose I could accept as a compliment rather than an irritant. (I had "should" in the place of "could" when I typed that out, and then realized that I can CHOOSE my reaction. There's power in that.)

What’s his role in this organization and what is the time commitment? Sounds to me like he stopped-by to get a drink and socialize. Stopping-by in my understanding means a short interval.

He didn’t communicate. If it’s a one time thing, then grace should be given. If it’s on the regular or happening enough to irritate, it’s worth a discussion.

He's the big cheese. There's a canteen (bar) which has a manager, so he doesn't need to be there for anything other than post business, but post business and bar business do overlap a bit in the people aspect of things.

Last year, this issue was constant to the point where it was very negatively impacting our relationship. It's complicated, but he didn't want to be at home because his mother lived with us and there are childhood abuse issues that were cropping up emotionally. We moved her out, he resigned, and we went to MC and IC. We spent a lot of time working on us. And we got to the point where it was time for the pendulum to swing back to center, so he ran for commander again, with my full support. I don't mind him spending a bunch of time at the post - I really like my alone time, but clear communication is a must. And don't bullshit me - or yourself.

It sounds like your H has avoidance and time keeping issues.

I need to read more about avoidance. I think you're right.

The interesting thing is that he's never late for stuff that has a set time. Back in the day, I had to really work on him to not to show up at the company party's cocktail hour right at the start time. He truly didn't get the concept of being fashionably late. All he heard was the LATE part. lol

But when he gets distracted and the time expectation is ambiguous, it often doesn't work out very well. If he promised to be home at midnight, he'd most likely be home by midnight or I'd get a text explaining why he's running late. It's the ambiguity... Hmm.