It's now been over 16 years since I signed up to this site and began a journey of countless hours posting, reading, digesting, and working on R. It was very hard for me to see past the pain and betrayal I felt at the time and to imagine the future where we are now.
We both did the work. It took time and had ups and downs. She earned my trust and respect back. I healed and forgave her. We grew closer and stronger. We weren't and still aren't perfect but we have a great relationship and are going strong after 20 years together and 19 years of marriage. Our first grandchild came into the picture recently and we are over the moon. Our children have cited us as an model relationship in various ways over the years. They engage in healthy relationship behaviors with their significant others. I don't want to imagine any other outcome than what we have now and there were many times in the early parts where I could not imagine staying with her.
I thought of this site and returned here because of a friend who is struggling with the impact of infidelity on his marriage. I wanted to put out another example of when R works, though I know not all relationships will make it there.
I am grateful for this site and the resources herein, and the amazing 24/7 support I was able to get and try to give to others all those years ago. It saved my marriage and I couldn't be happier about it. I wouldn't change a thing about our journey, even the infidelity itself because it taught us a lot and brought us closer together in the end.
The 10 biggest things I would tell someone now, looking back at it all would be:
1. Don't make any rash decisions in the immediate aftermath. Give yourself time.
2. Write out and process things through, thoroughly. Re-reading things had a helpful effect on my healing and piecing it all together before putting it down and moving on.
3. Trust your gut and trust in transparency - those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
4. Give as much as you expect of your spouse. It is a two-way street.
5. Be honest, but don't be cruel with your honesty either.
6. Find safe, remote outlets for when you need to vent because those feelings will pass but the damage they can inflict may not.
7. Focus on the future you want and do the work to progress to that instead of the pain you feel now.
8. Infidelity shouldn't be a "card" to play - you're not in this to beat, win against, or control your spouse, you're in this to build back stronger together.
9. The OP doesn't matter - all that matters is what you or your spouse would do when faced with anyone, anywhere.
10. Don't lean too much on family or friends - they're not counselors, but do get someone professional involved if you're struggling.
Godspeed to all those who are struggling and striving to find your way forward. No matter what the outcome is, you will learn and grow from this experience. Hang in there!
