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I'm two months out from DD#2. DD#1 was 10+ years ago and was over-the-line flirty texts. I chose then to reconcile. With DD#2 I'm unsure if I want to reconcile or divorce (DD#2 was inappropriate texting and finding out about one physical contact of kissing 15 years ago).

I'm hoping for guidance on how to best handle this stage of limbo. I'm working on patience and not rushing to a decision, and he is being patient as well. I'm not wanting anything more than an occasional hug during this time. He would like to plan a date night (something I asked him to do for years) but I'm not sure I want to. I also don't know if it's good for either of us if I ask for him to jump through a bunch of hoops while I'm in limbo. For the record I'm not talking about IC or couple's counseling, those we are both doing and sharing our insights. I'm talking about intimacy and additional repair/trust-building exercises.

Thoughts?

I read your first thread. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be waiting and watching to see what he does on his own to work on himself and earn your trust back. It's all on him to prove that he's a safe partner.

As far as intimacy, if you don't want to, don't. You don't have to go on dates or do exercises or do anything to repair the marriage unless you want to. As they often say around here, the marriage wasn't broken - he was. Also, I think as long as you're clear up front that you're undecided, you can make requests of him without worrying that you're stringing him along.

Do you feel like you'd want to do things with him that platonic friends would do? If so, I'd try that. Maybe let him plan it. Rebuilding a friendship base will be helpful if you do decide to R, but doesn't put any pressure on anyone.

Thank you SacredSoul :)

I think I posted in your other thread that I would not be providing any boundaries or help in the Reconciliation phase.

I would let the cheater figure it out. On their own.

It shows you whether the cheater is all in a/ R or is just going through the motions. Going through the motions will reveal itself in a short amount of time.

I think you're confusing what you want your WS to do with your boundaries.

Your best bet is to ask for what you want and to be honest with yourself and your WS when they ask for or suggest something. That's about what you want your WS to do.

BTW, it's crucial for you to be honest - say 'yes' is you want to; say 'no' if you want to.

*****

You set boundaries around what you will and will not accept. Your boundary is about what you will do in response to what your WS does.

Couples ask a lot of each other. Sometime they say 'no'. I've always thought that too many 'noes' means the couple is not a good fit. If one partner asks something unacceptable to the other and woin't take 'no' for an answer, the couple may not be a good fit for each other.

Similarly, if my W betrays me again, I'm likely to D. If my W ever lies to me in the future, that's a red flag that will require action.

But the fact is: we can't control other people; they can and will do what they want to do. But each of us can set our boundaries, all other things being equal, and one can do what one wants to do in response to others.

My W was free to refuse to meet any of my requirements for R, but she couldn't refuse AND stay married to me. That would have crossed my boundaries.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:19 PM, Thursday, September 28th]