SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while! I'm requesting some insights and advice from this wise group. Scenario:

Would you considering getting back together with an ex girlfriend if she's slept with someone since the breakup but you haven't? You broke up with her, not because she cheated, but because you weren't being treated right. You dated her for a year and were discussing the possibility of marriage, and you've been broken up 4 months, and she only waited 1 month (barely) to sleep with someone else. The "good part": she realized it was a mistake, and started counseling after that, and hasn't dated since and is now reaching out to me to discuss reconciliation.

My hangup: 1 month feels like a slap in the face to jump in bed with someone after a significant relationship... I remember having the opportunity to sleep with someone (post breakup flirting happens!), but I decided I wasn't ready and I also thought to myself it would limit the possibility of reconciliation, which I was hopeful for. She did have some insights from counseling that makes me think she's trying to improve herself. I've also been in counseling, btw.

I go back and forth. Given a slightly different set of circumstances, I could have easily done the same thing. I don't judge her for doing it because she was single, but how soon after really hurts. And being a betrayed spouse (from another relationship, keep in mind), the mind movies creep in with this new scenario ... I have to catch them and do some CBT exercises to work some logic into me.

I know no one can tell me the right path here, I'm just wondering what you would do or any advice you might have.

You dated her for a year and were discussing the possibility of marriage, and you've been broken up 4 months, and she only waited 1 month (barely) to sleep with someone else. The "good part": she realized it was a mistake, and started counseling after that, and hasn't dated since and is now reaching out to me to discuss reconciliation

Not for sleeping with someone else, but you broke up for a reason.I'm unaware of any stats, but I'd speculate that relationships with a break have a very low percentage that survive long-term survival. I remember coming to this conclusion at an early age.
She wasn't treating you right. Why would you entertain getting back together with someone who has already proven that she didn't treasure you the way a significant other should? What proof do you have that she really reformed?

That's a fair question, I don't have proof - I would proceed (if I choose to) cautiously, knowing I'm potentially signing myself up for more hurt if she hasn't changed. She made a few insights that did make it seem like she's making progress, I know it hasn't been long and she's not instantly a changed person, but progress is promising. The part I'm struggling with (and seeking counsel on here) is how soon she jumped in bed with someone else.

I'm not D'ed and I've been with my H since I was 19, so I don't have personal experience with this, but I don't think that sleeping with someone else a month after a break-up is a big deal or even a mistake. She was single. She didn't violate any agreements. JMO.

I'm curious if you would feel the same way about a male friend sleeping with someone a month after a breakup. Is it possible that social constructs about women and sex are shaping your opinion?

I'm a guy and I chose to not sleep with anyone during our time apart. If I believed that it didn't matter if a guy did it, I would have slept with many people by now. The exact thought I had when I had the opportunity was 1) I'm not ready... and 2) It would make reconciliation more difficult. And I was right, it seems, on both points. It just hurts that she didn't have those same thoughts, I guess.

Were you two discussing a possible reconciliation at the time, or was she under the impression that the relationship was over? To me, that would make a big difference.

It was definitely over, I was just being hopeful she would wake up and we could work it out. She didn't do anything wrong, just the fact that it was barely a month later hurts. I just have to decide if I can cope with that or not :shrug.

I understand. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

I'd say no, but for different reasons than you described. She didn't treat you well last time and there is a lot behind that, to me, I'd feel like she's settling. She shopped and is ready again. Someone better will cross her path one day. Nobody should take a partner that may be settling.

I never had feelings about outside of relationship sex. There could be circumstances, but I just don't have feelings about it. After major breakups I've taken time. Letting go commitments isn't quick for me. For other people, it is quick, but I don't hold that against them if the commitment has been clearly severed. Unless continued monogamy is explicitly agreed, then we're talking about single people doing what single people do. Maybe not a popular opinion, but I think this is a very personal issue. If her actions make her less trustworthy to you, then ultimately, I feel like that's your answer. Why enter something with issues you already see?

It didn't sound like she was dating around and was settling back to me, she had sex with one person and started counseling after that. To me, that sounds like someone who had a wake up call and then started getting help.

I think my personal answer is what did that relationship look like - if it was just a hookup, I think I could handle that better than if she was out at a candlelight dinner getting to know someone just a few weeks later.

As long as she did not betray trust and stab you in the back I don’t see anything wrong.

Trying to read her mind would just be speculation but I could see lots of reasons for her to start trying to date again.

Or even a hookup.

As long as she did not lie I would not let it bother you.

Reflecting on why you broke up. Now that’s worth looking into.

We just talked and it got super heated and I found out more details. There's a reason why exes should remain exes, I'll be moving on now. Thanks for the input, everyone.

It didn't sound like she was dating around and was settling back to me, she had sex with one person and started counseling after that.

Understood, apologies if I came across as "What you're saying is...". Best on this and glad to hear you at least have more clarity.

I think there is a reason you broke up. And I’m glad you had a "heated" discussion just to show you that some things will never change.

Just because she had therapy doesn’t mean she’s changed it certain things will improve.

You learned a very good lesson from this. I hope it gives you some clarity and understanding of basic human nature.