I second Sisoon's entire post.
Actually, for me, even years later now, reading on SI can bring up elements of unresolved pain about my choices after Betrayal. And that is because my WH refused to do any work on his issues after D-Day 1, when he could have shown me he was newly serious about this M. This unhappy IHS dragged out for years, as did his periodically begging me not to D him, but just"give him more time" to work on his issues, to show me he wanted to be with ME as a Husband, until 12 years later, he was arrested for soliciting - on my birthday. Huh, guess I got my answer.
For me, hindsight is 20-20 that my initial gut reaction was right; if I had been strong enough to ditch this marriage in 2002, who knows how my life might have ended up. I know the years of his secrecy before we got engaged hid his porn and prostitute lifestyle that - had I known about either - I seriously doubt I'd have felt secure enough to go into marriage with him, to begin with.
Indecision after betrayal seems very common, even among many who R, but I read many SI stories where the BS states they want to R and they state how they still love their spouse. I never have felt 100% able to say these 5 words: "I want to R this marriage." So, I've been on the fence almost 21 years next week, which for sure is not a good way to live life.
Like Sisoon points out, just saying what you did about your uncertain desire to R is a clue to what your deeper feelings may be trying to express.
Oh and I wish there was such a group I could attend, it is so needed, but in our denomination, D is such a taboo I doubt there will ever be a church-sanctioned support group. Nearest thing I have found is GriefShare in another church, because this is a form of trauma and it causes some to develop or worsen their baseline anxiety. For example, I had to limit my physical closeness to WH after D-Day just to avoid my gut reaction to his presence. As time went on, he had to be careful not to startle me by even coming into my room in the morning and touching me on the arm or shoulder, as I'd wake up frightened. Foot rubs were ok, but no more contact, if I was asleep. This is due to my unresolved feelings about him and just traumatic memory. (The Body Keeps The Score is a great book on trauma by van der Kolk.)
[This message edited by Superesse at 8:18 PM, Tuesday, September 19th]