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The OP and finding your peace with ways they harmed you

Topic is Sleeping.

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 4:25 AM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

It really is so crazy to read all of this, but it just occurred to me that a clear red flag for a toxic person (sociopath, narcissist and myriad of dark personality traits) is that they love bomb.

They don't have authentic connections, they love bomb. So our spouses, looking for their little voids to be filled are probably attracted to that.

Hence the high instance of unhinged APs. I would personally be repelled by being love bombed because I'd see as both obviously fake and also unstable.

My WS is a very smart man but he has low self esteem and craves praise and affection like oxygen so I'm pretty sure if you dressed a monkey up in lipstick he probably would have taken it.

Maybe that also plays into not protecting us. I mean, my WS was scared of the AP when she was doing all this shit to me, but I think the reason he found it so hard to believe how bad she was in the face of overwhelming evidence was that acknowledging that meant also acknowledgement of the fact all his ego kibbles were not because he's so amazing but actually just because she was a crackpot who does that to everyone.

This is my "closure" period so I guess it's included some inadvertent pain shopping, but earlier I went through old messages. I found one from me saying "look, you need to leave me alone. I understand you're upset but I am the innocent party who's just found out you've been having sex with my partner. I'm feeling very sick, I have a sick family member and it's my birthday and I'm spending it crying and terrified. Please stop this and leave me alone"

And she responds "Yes we are all suffering, he and I have had a full on relationship blah blah" and proceeds to text me a load of stuff I later had proved to be complete bullshit. She just genuinely felt entitled to my partner. She GENUINELY categorised drunken affair sex with someone outright saying they loved someone else as a 'full on relationship. She genuinely didn't care that she was terrorising me on my birthday and making me cry and vomit.

I look back and just think "wow".

Not only the level of delusion but the insane sense of entitlement. Toxic truly.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808828

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 4:29 AM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

My husband will say he must technically be as bad. But I remember vividly how he felt toward the OBS. He had injured this person for certain but he was always mortified by his actions. He was and is embarrassed and remorseful toward them. He wishes them nothing ill and would perfectly understand if they wanted to attack him.

This is exactly how a normal person should feel

Over the past seven years she has endangered my children, landed herself in a mental hospital and needed to be fired twice from the same company (because she had no shame about trying to rejoin a company where every person knew exactly what she did). The day I showed up at the medical office and screamed at top volume in front of everyone she had ever worked with for 20 years about how she was destroying families and doing disgusting things in their own offices she just proceeded about the rest of her day as if nothing ever happened. When I found her in the woods with my husband at first she ran off but then immediately returned to ask me to let her keep her job as my husbands secretary because she didn't want to have to go be be someone else’s secretary. She truly had no understanding why her hooking up with her boss should be a problem to me.

These crazies definitely have a lot of similar behaviour! I am so sorry she upset your kids. This is another level of evil.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808829

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:51 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

I got some cool revenge in an underhanded way against the OW who was intent on destroying my marriage and being the next wife.

She thought she was going to be a stepmother to our kids.

After the A ended I used to log into her blog and just leave it open. For hours. She suddenly started paying attention to the ISP and started to panic.

She didn’t know if it was me or my H. I told her it sure as hell was not me (yes she did call me). Suddenly her blog is deleted and she moved to the opposite coast. She cut her social media accounts down to nothing (she was a social media whore).

Sweet revenge. She’s suddenly fearful she has a stalker 😂 😂😂😂😂😂.

She deserved it!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13685   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8808842

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:07 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023


And she joined. She taunted me. After several months,she sent me a message and it left no doubt she had invaded my safe space. She wanted me to fight it out here. I refused.

I never knew the adultery co-conspirator in YOUR case was on you did really WELL in constraining yourself Hellfire smile .

She played the part of an abused woman. I watched as people here held her hand and felt sorry for her.

This part resonates with me. I tend to have DEEP feelings for the BW's on here...especially if I read about them being I may have been one of those people who you are writing about. I want to publicly apologize if that is the case. I have come to ADMIRE your strength very much grin !!

Then she involved MY CHILD. My child had to go to therapy because of the messages she received. She has images of her stepfather,the man who raised her since she was 3,in her head that she never should have seen. I read what ow said to her. It was vicious.

What a PATHETIC person she is to do this to your innocent child!
end of t/j

The adultery co-conspirator in MY case didn't do nearly as much harm to me as some of the other bunny boilers in these posts. Although she stated that she wrote ME a letter...choosing her words wisely as she said...I never received anything from her. Because she is from another country she may not have known how to address it properly and it got lost somehow. I don't know.

I do know that after 5 months of trying to contact my H after he sent the NC message...I HAD ENOUGH! I made up a new email address and then started sending HER a barrage of emails. I wanted to show her that two could play at this harassing game and I WOULD WIN!!! I wrote out so much POISON...practically DARING her to reply. It worked...she took the bait laugh . Of course...she started off apologizing to case she hurt me...because that wasn't her intention rolleyes . In the next paragraph or two though...she deliberately intentionally hurt me duh !!! I replied to her email...letting her know what a liar she was and how I KNEW it was a lie wink . I then spewed out more poison to shut her DOWN. It worked. Neither of us have received anything from her after that.

I realized later that I intentionally hurt another human being. That didn't sit well with me for a long time. It truly wasn't worth it for me to unload all of that poison onto HER. It felt so GOOD at the time...but NOW...not so much. I might have felt differently if she kept up her own harassing. After what I wrote to her though...although it was all TRUE...her self esteem took a huge hit. She was already feeling pretty down because she had written to my H about how him not replying to her messages made her feel like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. I just showed her HIS perspective...from the actions he told me he did during their A to get her to keep coming back...that she indeed was a NOBODY who he USED...and was now USELESS to him. She got to see his actions without the flowery words he used and the rose colored glasses she had put on...and they were not the star crossed lovers she THOUGHT they were. When that fantasy bubble POPS...that fall is truly earth shattering...for THEM!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6557   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8809082

InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:36 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

I'm glad you mentioned the dark triad stuff. It makes sense. I remember about two years ago (sorry if this is triggering) but I spent the morning in the freezing cold thinking I was going to jump in front of a train.

That's something I've not said to anyone but it was one of the worst days of this.

Don’t want to let this pass without acknowledgement. I’m so sorry for the pain that was thrust upon you to get you to such a terrible place. Thank God the worst didn’t happen.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Max Plank

posts: 1185   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8809084

InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:46 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023


Occasionally, I receive gifts from her. The most recent was a book on childhood sexual trauma. I made the mistake of talking about that on here. She saw it,and sent me books. I never speak about my situation. Because of her. The one time I let my guard down,and she swoops in.

I’m sorry that your situation worsened in you supporting me. Thinking back to that even today and how you met me in that place brings tears to my eyes. It meant the world for me on D-Day 2. Just wanted to let you know.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Max Plank

posts: 1185   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8809088

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 3:51 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Thanks IH, those times have thankfully passed now.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809089
Topic is Sleeping.
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