SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This 2 weeks have been really hard, I found out my wife had been talking to someone from another country online, what you could call cyber cheating. I wouldn't call it an emotional affair because apparently it didn't get to the point of developing feelings, it lasted 3 weeks. After I confronted her she started crying and confirmed it was true. She does seem remorseful but only she really know how she actually feels about it, she has been telling me how much she regrets it and how much she "loves" me, and would do anything to save our marriage. I've decided to at least try to work things out by going to couples therapy and making some changes but I just can't be 100% sure that's what's best for me or if we should just go our separate ways, how long does it take to feel better when trying to reconcile?

You need to post in JFO. That you are posting here means you are already jumping to conclusions on what you'd like to do, and what you need to do first is to get out of infidelity. Has she shown you their whole chat log? Given you her accounts and passwords to confirm she isn't talking to other men? Sent a no contact message then blocked this guy?

"making some changes" <- this makes me think you are accepting some level of blameshifting or her reasoning for talking to this man.

Did she send nudes? Certainly that's cyber cheating even if there isn't an "emotional affair" or sort of deeper romantic interest.

Hi Will23

Welcome to Si. I’m so sorry you are hurting and find yourself here. As I’m sure you are realizing it’s hard to imagine the depth of the pain that infidelity can have on a betrayed spouse (BS). Nothing in my life has shaken my foundation (and my confidence) quite so much.

To answer your question, there is no ONE single way to he’s from infidelity but common wisdom around here seems to suggest that it typically takes about 2-5 years to feel truly "healed" after all of this. I know that seems like an incredibly long time, but it was true for me (I figure I felt about 75% healed after 2 years and about 90% after 3). Even then, there can be leftover "scars" (kind of the way your arm might ache sometimes when it rains, even though you went through all the physiotherapy and rehab). It is important to understand that you can "heal" from infidelity either within your marriage or alone. The important thing is that you heal. The worst thing you can do is get stuck.

Reconciliation is an option for when both parities are willing to rebuild the marriage, understanding the pre-infidelity marriage had been completely destroyed. I know that can sound dramatic and that what you (and your wife) probably want more than anything right now is for things to go back to the way they were before all of this. I really would advise against that though. Rugsweeping (failing to address the root problems and pushing it all under the rug instead of DEALING with it) rarely works, tends to just prolong unhappiness, and often results in a person ending up back here years later when the partner reverts back to their old habits. I don’t want that for you.

I recommend you read as much as you can in the JFO forum and check out the Healing Library. It contains a wealth of hard-earned communal wisdom. Good luck to you through all of this.

Will23 Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us but glad you did. Infidelity is one of the worst things some can do to someone that loved and trusted them. There is no quick fix to it and R takes a lot of hard work on both of you. There are some things that you need before ever agreeing to R.

You need the full truth first. She needs to provide an honest written timeline. You need to know everything you are reconciling with. She needs to go NC and block. She needs to get into IC, not couples counseling. You will likely find that there is more to it than you know. Cheaters lie and they lie alot so be prepared for more truth to come out.

I wish you the best, there are more requirements but these will get you started. Don't agree to R until she has fulfilled the requirements that you set.

Will23

Your very first action should be to go to the "members" menu at the top of this page, my profile and there edit the signature box. The signature is for if you want some quote or info relevant to your situation, but I fear you might be posting personal info. Remove it and it is removed from older posts too. Do this ASAP.

Some questions:
How did they get into contact online? What made her (or him) select him (or her) to chat to?
What format did they use? A forum, social networking…
What was the content of their conversations? I personally would be fine if my wife was sharing recipes or some shared interest or hobby with an unknown man, but would definitely not want personal, family or sexual content or inuendo.

Will23

Our wonderful in-house computer Wizard has cleared what I think was unintended personal info.

Please friend – what you are experiencing can damage you and your marriage seriously. Even way beyond whatever happened. I encourage you to reply to my questions and then read and evaluate the responses from the good people here that really want to help.

How are you holding up Will23?