Fablegirl (original poster member #56784) posted at 8:46 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023
I have been doing great in life -- a new relationship, figuring out life stuff and a big raise with my career. I live in a beautiful apartment.
Then yesterday I was making a meal for myself and I suddenly experienced a flashback of making lunch for my husband and daughter. I thought, I used to live in a house with my husband and child and I made meals for them. We loved each other and laughed together.
Now I am alone and they are gone. We are no longer a family. It's as if that one memory artifact brought my optimistic perspective crashing down. I breathed through it and processed that narrative of grief. Eventually, I land in a place where I realize I don't want to go back in time and have it all back. But, wow, it's tough sometimes, to have those thoughts and be alone.
WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 9:19 PM on Monday, September 4th, 2023
(((Fablegirl))) I understand. Those moments come unexpectedly. It feels like mentally slipping into a hole in the ground you didn’t know was there. The important thing for me is to grab the rim before I fall completely down the rabbit hole. Pull myself out. Dust myself off. And carry-on. Being reminded of the things these cheaters have destroyed…yeah. I’m sorry. It’s a lot.
I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural
countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 3:23 AM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
I remember weeping while I was making Christmas dinner for my son. It was tough. Good thing I was making beef burgundy and could brace myself with a nice glass of red on that day!
I still get moments when those thoughts come in. My XW and I had a pretty good marriage for 27 years and raised 3 pretty neat young men together. But the last 5 years were marred by her infidelity. I have to catch myself and not judge the 27 good years by the painful last 5.
I think it gets better. My new relationship is going very well. But both of us still have our moments when we miss the families we had. I suppose we always will.
3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 1:35 PM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
Yes. That family under one roof can never be replaced and that is sad, too bad we chose the wrong people to build that with. When thought pop up like that, I try to reflect on the new things that have replaced it. Most importantly, we aren't living the hell-scape degrading saga of staying with the person who defrauded, lied, betrayed etc. us. And now that time has passed, I appreciate even more that my son didn't suffer through that ongoing dysfunction. He a thriving young adult now. That proves not being together was for the good of not just myself.
When these kinds of thoughts hit me (including thoughts that cheater is somehow a better person now), I also sometimes imagine the reality of what it would feel like to ACTUALLY be with him. Of course we already know this, but I let myself feel it for a moment, and it usually makes me even a bit giddy on how cool it is to be free of that. I feel how small he would make me feel. I revisit hat weird 'off' feeling I had during reconcile. It would have aged me beyond my years by now.
Congrats on the raise!
BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
I really, really related to this. I'm also in a new relationship and recently got a new job with a giant raise! My life is more exciting and interesting than it was with the STBXH, but I have moments exactly like you describe. Just yesterday I was in the grocery store and feeling so envious of everyone wearing wedding rings. They have someone at home waiting for them and all I have are my pets.
ONS 2006; 1 year+ A (DDay 1/2023).Separated and divorcing.