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Newest Member: Dander33159

Divorce/Separation :
When will my husband stop pressuring me

Topic is Sleeping.

 stacey88 (original poster new member #83648) posted at 8:49 AM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023

Hi everyone I have posted on previous forums but I am still really struggling. My husband cheated on me for 3 years with escorts I exposed him because I checked his phone bills when things didn’t seem right and found all the proof I needed.
This was back in may now he lied and lied until he gave in and told me everything. I kept calm and allowed him to stay at the house and sleep on the sofa to start with but he kept bombarding me daily to the point I could not take anymore and asked him to move out.
He’s been gone about 6 weeks now but he turns up at the house daily I have asked
Him about putting a plan into place but he freaked out and was like why this is my house I should be able to come back here when I like.
He keeps telling me how he’s sorry and he’s showed enough remorse now and expects
Forgiveness which I have told him i cannot give him. He keeps
Buying me gifts and offering to take me places. He’s logged into all my social media and read all my conversations with trusted Friends he threatens suicide as all he wants is his family back.
He is unloading every single feeling onto
Me without realising that it’s him that has caused this situation in the first place, I have tired to help him in the past with gambling and he ignored me and continued now it’s developed into this and he expects me to understand which I don’t,
I feel so disrespected but also scared at how he is acting like I have no entitlement to feel the way I do.
Every day he calls me and turns up asking how long this will be for and when he will be able to
Get his life back, I have asked for space and told him we are not together anymore but he just won’t accept it. It’s getting worse and worse by the day, people keep telling me to change the locks etc but I don’t want to cause any upheaval for my 3 kids who don’t have a clue what is going on. I have told him I don’t want to talk about it anymore and just want space but he brings it’s up multiple times a day, he called me this morning and was shouting at me saying everyone is laughing about him behind his back and we are all taking the piss out of him which is not true. I don’t know how to cope or deal with this while he is so
Unstable and I’m concerned for his welfare but he won’t do anything about it .
I feel like everything he feels he wants to take it out on me as I’m
The only person that can fix it for him with forgiveness, is this normal? When will this emotional bombarding stop?I feel like I am sinking

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2023   ·   location: Northamptonshire
id 8805375

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 10:40 AM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023

First and foremost, the next time he threatens suicide, call 911 (or the equivalent if you’re not in the US). If he’s serious about wanting to kill himself, then he’ll get the help that he needs. If he’s using it as a manipulation tactic, then he will quickly learn his lesson.

Second, have you filed for divorce yet? If not, then you should, and as part of that, see if you can get an order for exclusive use of the house. A part from that, there really isn’t much that you can do to keep him away, since he is (currently) legally allowed to be on the premises.

Third, stop answering his calls. You should limit your communication to only what’s necessary for the kids, and there are parenting apps that can facilitate that.

Lastly and most importantly, if you ever feel unsafe around him, take it seriously and call the police. Your husband sounds unhinged and there really isn’t anything more dangerous than a deranged man who is on the cusp of losing everything. Many women have made the mistake of thinking their husbands, though damaged, would never hurt them or the kids. In too many cases, they were wrong.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1659   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8805378

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:30 PM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023

I am sorry he is continuing this pattern of behavior.

Stop answering his calls. That is your way of protecting yourself and setting a boundary.

He calls and yells at you? Hang up on him. Every time he crosses a line just hang up the damn phone.

Second, if he continues to show up at your home — get an order of protection so that stops as well. If he wants to see the kids then someone else has to be there to do the exchange. A friend or relative or anyone but you.

He clearly has issues and blaming everyone else for his problems appears to be one of them.

In other posts here at SI we have tried to help you by telling you how to set boundaries with him. If he says he’s suicidal you call 911 and get him the professional help he needs.

If he rants and raves in the phone, you hang up.

If he sends you texts or emails, block him.

He’s losing his mind b/c he’s no longer in control of you & kids. If you know why he’s behaving this way, then you can understand the situation and take steps to protect yourself.

As I mentioned I did the hard 180 for months while living with my H & kids. I was polite in front of kids. If they weren’t around I did not talk to him or engage beyond a few words. Like hello, good bye and okay.

You are not his wife any longer. You are just someone who used to love and care for him. Now you are someone struggling to survive his latest drama. However this time you are stronger than he thought and he’s reacting out of fear.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13687   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8805383

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 8:27 PM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023

and was like why this is my house I should be able to come back here when I like.

Well, he’s not wrong (even though he’s being a jerk about it by harassing you). Which is why you should take the legal steps to formally end the marriage and have a judge decide who has the right to the house, or else it gets sold and it will be neither of yours anymore.

Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again

Staying together for the kids

D-day 2010

posts: 6490   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8805424

RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 9:10 PM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023

I agree with the advice you have been given so far. The next time he threatens suicide, report him to the appropriate authorities for his own welfare.
He does not seem to be the least bit remorseful. He is thinking of himself only. He is sorry he got caught and concerned about how his actions will affect his life going forward. He is not concerned about how devastating this has been for you and he doesnot care about the fact that his constant pressure is hurting you further.
He will not help you heal. He is making it worse. He will not stop. He is trying to wear you down.
You can save yourself. File for divorce. This will show him that you are serious. Once you do that, he might be willing to give you the space you need. If he doesn't, keep pushing the divorce along until it is final. If he does start cooperating with you, the divorce can always be paused.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8805427

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:32 PM on Thursday, August 24th, 2023

He is trying to wear you down.

^^^This. My xWS did the same thing when I left. I was bombarded with texts and emails. What helped was going complete NC and blocking his number and email. If a message got through an app or social media I blocked there too. I ended up having to block anyone connected to the ex. Eventually he stopped (I had to threaten to get an order of protection next contact he made, that seemed to do the job). Now he has moved onto a new victim and this has taken his focus off of me completely now that he has a new girlfriend.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8632   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8805430
Topic is Sleeping.
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