SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I have read and watched on the side lines in this amazing forum for the past three years. My name was cowardly chosen in hiding while watching the Queens Gambit. My story is beyond messed up and I finally need to say it. I may not respond to all the responses that I see happen so I am aware what this may spark and I am shocked if I actually hit submit. So here it goes.
WH and I married -, had three kids, DD1 came shortly after around 2005 with online EA with many, many women. At that time, I was in shock and did not understand that world. He described it "as fishing:" I could not comprehend on line sex, chatting, etc. I spoke with one of the women who said he was so charming, so sweet and only said he had a girlfriend with one kid who at least made money. WOW I am his wife with three f%^%&&(*& kids who, YES made money. He rewrote his life, his kids, messed up!!! OK, that phase is over, NEXT ...facebook oh WOW what a shitshow with a CHILDMAN.....reaching, chatting, online shit, video sexting, DENIALS, all the while, yes, I am crazy, I am trying to destroy our family, I am ugly, I am wanting to be angry (by the wAY, NOT UGLY, QUITE ok). So, that phase ends, deep breath, we are ok BUT......

2016....decides his brothers wife is all for ok and starts the 3 plus year affair. Yes, brother wife. This is the beyond close family with all siblings, nieces, nephews all close - like really close! Every vacation, every weekend, everything! I suspected three months in and was gaslighted by both. I had minimal evidence and they both denied it. I refused to go family events and they used that opportunity to make me look like the bad guy and long story short - to this day with the truth out - it is my fault according to that family. Because I confirmed it and because I suspected it. Whatever? Truth is my husband and his brothers wife carried on secretly for years and every time I was confronted with "DONT KEEP ME FROM MY FAMILY". Well she tells husband a bit AFTER the threesome she suggested with her, husband and GUESS WHO (my husband, the brother the brother in law she had been fucking)
OK. I see this gets confusing here. So my husband with his sluttard brothers' wife have been having an affair for three years and now she suggests a threesome (something they have done done many times before) and DUMBASS Husband says Yea and my my WH and sluttard think great idea!

Fast forward, this all comes out in 2020, family falls apart....me poor pooor husband losses his family (sic). Sluttard and fackard husband remain untouchables', I caused the demise of the family (I don't care to see or speak of them ever)

And the lies, over lies, over lies...... I have read every response, every storY And never found one close to mine!!! wow thAT IS MESSED!

This is so over the place BUT since then inappropriate messages', lies, WTF situations!!!!!!!, and I guess me finally postngnis me finally saying hell yea!!!!!!!! I am done!!!!!!!!!

OMG If I hit POST MESSAGE that is so .... ok here i go..............

Hi, Harmon, welcome to SI.

On my way out, but wanted you to know you've been heard.

Are you saying you are done with your WH? Doesn't sound like he's been faithful almost your entire marriage and having an affair with his brother's wife is another level of cruelty. How did his brother respond to finding out about the A?

Anyhow, please check out the Healing Library, great articles.

Are you in IC? If not, please seek a good counselor out who can help you process this trauma and get you onto a path forward.

I'm not sure I understand. I get that your H had or is having an A with his SIL and has had thrresome(s?) with his brother, and your H's 'close' family know about it.

What do you mean by 'family falls apart'? Have they stopped getting together? Do they hate each other? Are BIL & SIL still together?

Does any of that matter? What's going on with you? You learned of this long ago - why post now? My guess is that some sort of crisis has occurred. How can we help? What help are you looking for?

If you need to vent, vent away....

Not sure why I posted now. It really does never go away. Yes, I did IC and we did MC for a short time. My WH did a few sessions of IC but he stopped going altogether. To clarify, SIL and WH had an affair for a few years. I suspected, we fought, he was gaslighting me to a next level. I confronted her and she denied, lied, manipulated everything. I stopped going to family events and that just gave them both the chance to portray me as a bitch. BIL and SIL are still together. BIL hates my WH and the affair is over. The extended family has some what broken up and they all know of the affair. I will leave out the thrreesome part (too much right now as I am shaking even typing this). I kept it all quiet when I suspected and SIL was the one to tell her husband a small bit of it. He contacted me and between what I gathered over the years, we put it together and it all blew up. BIL told family members BUT MIL blames me for it "coming to light". BIL also hates me for not telling him when I suspected it. The sad part is my kids are no longer part of the big family they had, they are suffering the consequences of something hey had no control of.
I guess I am posting now because I have gained strength and control and realize that I cannot control any actions of other people, only my own. I can now control my actions and anger and no longer feel like a victim. The cruelty of gaslighting, lies, zero boundries, lack of empathy, are no longer mine to bear, they are his and I cannot fix it. My WH feels more sorry for himself losing his extended family that he does not see what effect it had on anyone else, including his kids. My realizations that this man is not capable of changing anything. Status quo....rug sweeping...just get over it are his mantra.
Some days when I replay and replay, I can't believe what happened. I have alot of support from friends, some say LEAVE!!! some say "it is your choice and path". I have to say, my WH and myself are best friends, we have fun, we do love eachother BUT I know the level of disrespect is hurting me and never acknowledged by him. This recovery was done on my own, but DANG it is a long journey. We actually had two MC's "fire" us because they said they could not be fair to both sides and called me privately to make sure I looked after myself. There is so much to process and I guess putting this out there on this space is my way of "I no longer have to protect everyone!, This is for me!"

So, your WH and SIL had a PA. Your in-law family blame you because you were the one who shined the light of truth on it all, and the cockroaches all ran for cover.

Not unusual.

What I’m not sure about is why you’re trying to do all the work for recovery and expecting this to be a success.

Like you said, you can’t control anything other people do. So expecting WH to improve when he does nothing to make that outcome possible doesn’t make sense to me. You can make all the changes in yourself, but that’s not going to move him forward.

Any chance he would go to IC?

Hi Harmon,

(I loved the Queen’s Gambit btw!!)

You WH and SIL had an ongoing A for 3 years. Based on your description, WH doesn’t want to do any work, refuses to help you heal, lies, deflects, rug sweeps. I’m wondering then, why would you want to stay tethered to this man? 5Decades said it best - you can’t expect to do all the work in recovery and expect this to be a success. What’s HE doing?? The needle will not move if you’re the one doing 100% of the work. Which is ludicrous to me. Did you cheat? No - he did. HE should be doing the work. That fact that he isn’t - what does that tell you? That he doesn’t value you, he doesn’t respect you. Dear lady, you are not best friends with him. You are best friends with an illusion - with the image of who you want him to be. What he is, what he has shown you, what he’s done, his extraordinary lack of empathy - believe all of that because that guy, that’s who he is. All these years and he’s incapable of helping you heal - and the fact that you think recovery is YOU putting in all the effort and he’s off the hook and you wonder why recovery hasn’t been successful. The common denominator in why your recovery hasn’t been successful is the lack of action by your WH. Meanwhile, your WH spends his time bemoaning the fact that he’s lost his extended family?? Who’s fault is that?? (Don’t fuck your brothers wife!)! You’re right, you can’t control any one else’s actions - only your own. So expecting him to move forward and make progress is as likely as me trying to telepathically move a rock. It sounds to me like you are finally coming to grips with his inability to make positive changes, his inability to acknowledge your hurt, the level of betrayal - and you’re starting to find your own voice. Good on you!! This is a great place to vent, seek clarity, plan a course of action. Keep coming here to post!! Sending positive vibes!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 3:05 PM, Wednesday, August 9th]

Harmon,

I have been reluctant to share this story about my family, but I think it may give you some perspective on how your WH thinks.

All names are fake, to protect the innocent niece, not the stupid sister of mine.

My sister, Stella, has four daughters. Her oldest, Alice, was married to a guy named Paul.

Stella and her husband were divorced (because Stella had cheated on her husband and divorced him for her AP, then her AP didn’t divorce his BW…long story there). Stella moved in with Alice and Paul because Stella basically couldn’t support herself.

Stella and Paul had an affair.

There are two vastly different versions of how this happened, but Paul’s version seems the most believable - but the two had drunken sex one night, multiple times, in different places around the house while Alice was at work. While the grandchildren were asleep.

It was kept a secret for a few years, until Stella got pissed off at Paul when she was drunk (again), and then told the husband of one of her other daughters - at the WEDDING of yet another daughter. Needless to say, the wedding was less than fun. (Also interesting, that wedding was between the pregnant daughter who was marrying her AP as well…now divorcing him…but that’s just another lovely story in this family).

This nearly destroyed Alice. She did try to salvage the marriage, but ultimately divorced.

Stella cannot understand why Alice is hurt.

She can’t understand how getting some of her daughters to turn against their own sister and blame the victim in all of this has left Alice isolated.

Stella claims she is the victim, and that Alice "owes her" forgiveness.

Stella says that Alice should be "over it" by now, and "needs to fix this mess" so Stella can be happy.

Stella complains that "her family" is so divided, and they can’t get together like before, everything is ruined, why can’t everyone just move on and get over it already, etc.

Well, Stella, maybe if you hadn’t fucked your son-in-law in your daughter’s house we wouldn’t be here? Stella cannot see that this is the origin of the problem. After all, Stella was…seduced. It really wasn’t her fault. Paul started it. Seriously, that’s the reason. I supposed he was irresistible.

For her part, Alice does speak to her mom. It’s very difficult, but she does. She has a hit-or-miss relationship with her sisters, as the four of them have suffered greatly from their mother’s affair lifestyle when they grew up, and once their parents divorced.

Harmon, your best bet in this is the exit door. I have lived in a family that is crazy-making, as you can see. The story I just told is just the tip of the iceberg, and I actually had to weed out a lot of threads to make it simpler - because there is soooo much more there.

Pack your shit, move out, and don’t look back. The best day of my life was the day my husband and I put 2000 miles between us and this family. In your case, your husband….is Stella.

5Decades:
Holy. Shit.

Harmon:
Please listen to 5Decades. I’m all about reconciliation - but only when BOTH partners are committed to putting in effort. Yours hasn’t and ISN’T. Please save yourself. You only have one opportunity to live your life. Don’t sacrifice your happiness, emotional, physical and mental well-being for a man who has shown you how little he values you. If you stay on this path - you are guaranteed a lifetime of pain. Don’t do that to yourself. Get out while you can.