SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband has been telling me that because I was taking care of my son last year because he got shot, that he was very neglected, I was just so traumatized, and then a mutual friend of ours begin to express that she had some feelings for him in January and because we were not having regular sex, that it was like The Perfect Storm, and if it hadn't been for all of those things converging at once, well...

And then tonight I confessed that I thought ever since D-Day he was lying about it just being a stupid flirty thing because I talked to the affair partner behind his back and she was telling me all sorts of things. And I told him I was reading a book that said how dangerous it is to have an affair with a single woman, that it might not mean anything to you but it must have meant an awful lot to her, and that's why she filled my head with a bunch of things that I am starting to believe you honestly did not do.

He kind of seemed panicked, to tell the truth, and he let fly that the one thing he can think of that he did was that I let them go out to the movies together, and they held hands and giggled over it.

I don't know what it is, but it's like someone flipped a switch.

That incident was FOUR YEARS AGO.

At that time, I was a very devoted wife, and I let them go out to the movies together because I knew the kind of person he was and I had nothing to worry about. I asked him how he felt when he got home, and he said he doesn't really remember being very guilty about that, so go ahead and treat me like I am Satan again, but then again he doesn't really remember how he felt it all. I can't believe how massively disrespectful that was of both of them, and how incredibly juvenile, and it just hit me at that moment of that there was no Perfect Storm. Just two very very selfish and self-indulgent people playing boyfriend-girlfriend for the little thrill of it for a hell of a lot more longer than the a month he originally copped to.

It really completely does not have anything to do with me or our relationship! I know he's going to feel angry that he told me, because he says I always use things against him. But I'm actually very grateful he told me about that incident four years ago, because it puts everything in perspective now. I can't believe I got so wrapped around the axle over two infantile idiots who would be laughable if they had not been wrecking a marriage for a few sneaky little thrills.

When I get up tomorrow morning, everything is going to change and I really don't care if he likes it or not. I have been suppressing who I am since the beginning of this 22 year relationship to not piss him off and so that he will like me. And I am constantly working on our relationship and we have a lot of fights because I am always having to explain myself and walk on eggshells because he takes everything as criticism and doesn't hear anything I have to say and just keeps fighting instead of listening because the most important thing to him is to win.

How fucking exhausting.

I just made a huge list of all the things I could think of that I would like to be and have if it wasn't for this relationship. And since none of them are a boyfriend LOL I am going to do whatever the fuck I want for me when I wake up tomorrow, and when I wake up the day after that, and when I wake up the day after that. I am going to really invest in myself to see if it's possible for me to become me again and to be happy all by myself. And I'm going to work towards Financial stability so that I am not dependent on him at all because that is probably why I try so hard to fix our relationship. Some of these things I am going to do for myself, he's more than welcome to tag along. And other things he can just stay the fuck home. I'm not going to waste another minute hating myself over those two. I'm not going to get a divorce right this minute but I am going to get a life! And I am not going to engage in fights about it, I am just going to say I'm sorry you feel that way and then walk away.

I have been in a lot of pain for a long time, and morbidly depressed, but it's like I could see a break in the clouds and I can't wait to learn to fly--solo, or with him tagging along.

I honestly don't give a shit which.

[This message edited by 2ndFiddle at 10:53 AM, Thursday, August 3rd]

I just made a huge list of all the things I could think of that I would like to be and have if it wasn't for this relationship. And since none of them are a boyfriend LOL I am going to do whatever the fuck I want for me when I wake up tomorrow, and when I wake up the day after that, and when I wake up the day after that. I am going to really invest in myself to see if it's possible for me to become me again and to be happy all by myself. And I'm going to work towards Financial stability so that I am not dependent on him at all because that is probably why I try so hard to fix our relationship. Some of these things I am going to do for myself, he's more than welcome to tag along. And other things he can just stay the fuck home. I'm not going to waste another minute hating myself over those two. I'm not going to get a divorce right this minute but I am going to get a life! And I am not going to engage in fights about it, I am just going to say I'm sorry you feel that way and then walk away.

This is good advice for anyone - put yourself in a place that you can take care of yourself no matter how secure you think your life is (see my signature line - it's not because I'm some sort of narcissist - it's actually something my Dad said to me when I graduated from High School). It's good to make yourself Plan A. Looking out for yourself doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to everyone else. It just means you stop letting them use you as a doormat. Two entirely different things.

Good. For. You.

I highly recommend working on yourself and doing things you enjoy and want to do.

I did not have good luck staying with FWH (feels good to add the F as of today) after I found out the first time he cheated.

2ndFiddle, I thought about your post the whole day. You have made a wonderful breakthrough. What is so great about it is that you are taking back control of your life before it gets foisted on you by someone else. A lot of us had to do all those same things because we had no choice in the matter. You are so brave to make those choices for yourself because you want to.

You should never for a second feel guilty or hate yourself about anything. I think a lot of us, especially women, do that to ourselves. We become all things to our families and we lose all sight of what made us, us. It's what keeps us in hopeless situations far too long. It is so common for us to check our careers, interests and inspirations at the door to further the partner we love. Men do the same as many on this site can attest so I don't mean to make this about gender.

What I learned was that once I got on my feet I was far better off than if I had stayed married. It was shocking how much money was spent keeping my EX happy, trying to be supportive of whatever harebrained scheme he wanted to launch next. And the whole time he was wining and dining his best friend's wife and that's where a lot of our money was going. And like you, both her husband and I stupidly gave permission for some of these dates because we couldn't imagine they were dates. The fact that he used your willingness to trust him as a reason for his affair is outrageous. But the shocking thing for me was that within two years of my divorcing him I no longer had any credit card debt. I was no longer afraid to open the mail. It turned out I needed him a lot less than I thought. I think you are going to find the same whether you divorce or not. And that independence will put you in a far happier place.

Hang in there. You are an inspiration.