SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know that i should be looking at WH’s actions, not words. And from my vantage point, he seems to be doing the right things.
HOWEVER, I get anxious because there are many stories of BS coming back to tell us they’ve been cheated on again. They thought their reconciliation was going well, WH had changed, marriage was strong, etc. And yet, they find themselves back to more devastation and heartache. Completely blindsided again.
That puts me on an emotional tightrope. Am I being conned by my WH as well? Is he just putting on an act like other WS who ends up cheating again? What actions are more real than others? I want to feel safe in this marriage. At this time, I do feel much safer than I did at the start of R. but when I look at other BS who were betrayed again and i can’t help wonder, didn’t they also feel safe? Didn’t they think their marriage was going well? And bam the rug was pulled under from them again! Am i letting their stories cloud my emotions?

Interesting ... I can remember what I looked for, but much of I saw was because I was willing to initiate. My actions, not my W's, were the critical ones.

I asked every question I want to ask, and I evaluated every answer. I asked most questions in multiple ways at multiple times, took in her non-verbal comms, and compared her responses over time. If she lied, she would have failed an important test.

If something bothered me, I decided whether I wanted to work on it with my W or not. If I did, I raised the issue, and we resolved it together. If she hadn't been willing to work on the issue, she would have failed an important test.

In a very real sense, although I wanted R, I didn't care if I found out W was or was not a good candidate for R. My goal was to find out the truth. I think that's what is meant by 'giving up trying to control the outcome'.

Does this help answer your question(s)?

Read some of the posts on "letting go of the outcome." Hard as hell, but essential.

The most important thing to do is find your own safety, apart from the marriage. I needed IC for this. Game-changing.

If you can do that, the fear of WS f'ing up again becomes less of a focus. When that's less of a focus, you're able to focus on healing, and creating and maintaining boundaries. Obvious breaches in boundaries are obvious, and then acted upon, and not rationalized away or analyzed into eternity. The particulars might be different for everyone, but this will help guide your reconciliation progress to your satisfaction (even if that means eventual divorce).

There won’t ever be a guarantee that your WS won’t cheat again, there won’t ever be a guarantee that you won’t be cheated on again by any other partner for that matter.

So my answer is two fold: what work are you doing on yourself to ensure you safeguard yourself should this happen again? By this I mean on all levels, financially and emotionally. Love is about risking your heart to be broken over and over again. You cannot protect it unless you don’t take the risk of loving anymore. Saying that, there is work you can do to ensure that, should this happen again, you have a better emotional bandwidth to process it in a healthier way.

Back to your cheating spouse:

They thought their reconciliation was going well, WH had changed, marriage was strong, etc.

I’m yet to find a situation, in the almost 6 years I’ve been on this forum, where the part quoted is actually the case. Most returns, if you follow the threads after the initial post, show that unfortunately the change observed was minor and it was pretty much based on words rather than actions. Either the WS refused to do any IC because they can do it on their own, either the WS upped their game helping around the house and that appeared as change to the Bs, either the WS said "I won’t cheat again" but refused to ever discuss why they did it or discuss it at all with their spouse. Most cases there’s a combination of all and it is confusing to the BS who believes that if the WS gave them access to devices (for a while), promised not to cheat again, helped with the kids and washed some dishes, love bombed for a while, it is proof of true change and it won’t happen again.

Now I can’t say my WH won’t cheat again but I am hoping that the work I have done in IC on myself would be a solid base for additional trauma should he choose to take that path.

What I can say is that during the last almost 6 years since dday, I have looked for true change within my WS. I expected him to do IC (whilst I did IC myself) and later on MC, I expected him to be open to discussing the A any time needed without a time limit to it and without defensiveness (he now sees it, like me, as an event that impacted our marriage and we do mention it if needed, we don’t tip toe around the subject, nor do we pretend it didn’t happen). He does mention it himself, rarely as we did move on from it, but he will say "old me pre affair would do X but I’ve learnt doing Y is better" if needed.

To identify what you need to see, in terms of change, you need to find out why your WS did it. What made him drop his values, assuming he’s not a serial cheater, and hurt you so badly.

For example (and this is just one example) my WH was conflict avoidant, he would pretend everything is fine day in, day out, but build resentment rather than state something isn’t right. He then used said resentment as a justification to cheat. Therefore I needed to see changes in the way he manages conflict, I needed to see that he isn’t ignoring conflict and he is taking the initiative of opening difficult conversations.

My WH also had a high feeling of entitlement, the more he had, the more he felt entitled to have. So I needed to see proof that he is appreciative and grateful for what he has rather than focusing on what he doesn’t have. Ie. he had a great family, a supportive wife, two healthy clever kids pre affair but he chose to focus on the 20% missing (look into the 80/20 rule if you haven’t heard of it before) and cheat. He also had a fear of commitment. This was pointed out in MC to us. He appeared committed but our marriage was quite imbalanced. So a more balanced marriage is something I needed to see.

Above all, I needed to see consistency. I still look for signs of conflict avoidance in all his interactions. I still look for signs of lack of gratitude. I still look for ego stroking, KISA syndrome in his interactions. True change takes time.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:42 PM, Monday, June 26th]

You are watching what he is doing. Actions, not words, doing the work.

But I think, in hindsight, what is missing is something that takes a long time…reconciled or not.

Are you looking at what he is doing through the eyes of a betrayed wife who has accepted she can really only control one person? Herself?

This way of viewing pain and reality had to become a daily mantra for me. It is building the inner muscle of acceptance without hating a spouse, the world…or myself.

It is knowing my self worth comes from internalizing that I am of as much value as anyone else, that my self respect come from what I do that is good and healing and no one can take away that knowledge and ownership of my own self care and healing, that my self esteem will be crushed if I am too dependant on the opinion of others.

When you reach that point and start gaining a foothold for yourself, you will be able to look at his efforts to rebuild and appreciate what is good, toss out what is not and know that no matter if he betrays you again, you can survive because you own your future again.

And you will know that if it does not work - no matter the grief, loss and even judgement of others who do not understand that it was NOT your job to make your wayward happy, it was to be a 2 way street with mutual effort (because that IS marriage) and do not understand that your wayward was never ever justified in betrayal. IF that happens you will be able to look in the mirror and say that you are worthy and have self respect because you are capable of self control and owning who you are.

When you see what he is doing through those eyes, then it is no longer a question of if he will betray you, because you will know you can’t be destroyed any more.

And you will be able to use those eyes to see how you will no longer let anyone, friend or foe, ever make you feel worthless and fearful of rejection ever again.

Work on you and you will begin to look at him through eyes that are not afraid of what they see.

Sad, happy, hopeful, doubtful, strategic, content, good, bad….

But not afraid.

It took me a long time. A lot of work, and even EMDR for triggers.

And I have to go back and work on myself, get some safe objective opinions at times….but I do not have the fears you are talking about ruling my mind and heart anymore.

Work on you and give it time. Then look at what he is doing through those eyes.

I hope this helps.

Luna10 found your post very helpful. I'd not heard the 80/20 rule nor the Knight in Shining Armour syndrome. That one def. applied to my situation. I even said why did you pick someone who is so needy, we are opposites. I am fiercely independent and I think he needs to feel needed, so she was very desperate, sad poor puppy. always some kind of drama and he loved going to AP to rescue her.

I refuse to play a role to make him happy but if he can be happy with someone who does not need rescuing then we'll see...

I like how you explained exactly what you looked for your in your hubby. I took some notes. I need to do the same, only a few months out here but so far like for all on here, words mean very little to us if nothing really. So actions is what I'm looking for, and more so an attitude and character adjustment! Can people change this late in the game? If he wants to save the marriage he will have to.

Luna you are 6 years out, not that I want to fast forward time, but I'm glad you made it this far and have such a positive outlook.

Have you let your 'guard' down? Does the 'stain' of the A decrease over time? Do you feel you can fully commit to your marriage or is part of you always still protecting yourself or anticipating another negative outcome?

I’m glad my post helped Truthseeker.

Have you let your 'guard' down? Does the 'stain' of the A decrease over time? Do you feel you can fully commit to your marriage or is part of you always still protecting yourself or anticipating another negative outcome?

It depends what you expect from letting your guard down. Trust will never be the same, but I don’t say that regretfully, the work I have done taught me that that type of naive, 100% trust should not have existed in the first place.

That doesn’t mean that I sit here in a state of permanent hyper vigilance checking my WH’s devices and monitoring his every move. I don’t. I’m not worried he’s cheating now, nor do I live in a state of permanent fear of him cheating again. Not because I don’t believe he’s capable of it (I believe that he has a choice of what type of person he wants to be for the rest of his life and I have absolutely no way to influence his choice), but because I know what I am capable of and I trust myself and my own healing process.

The stain of the affair… the affair will always be an event that seriously impacted our marriage. It was as well a catalyst for change and growth. It isn’t the main event overshadowing all other events in our marriage anymore. It has been "filed" as part of our past together. It raises its head at points the same way any trauma does, when something triggers it. For example a few nights ago there were two police cars visiting a neighbour. We found out later that he caught his wife cheating and threw her out. I triggered badly as all I could imagine was his pain, a reminder of my own pain.

But we both developed a new way to connect, a more open and honest way, WH knew immediately I would trigger, we went for a walk, I was quiet, he expressed gratitude that I kept our family together and gave him a chance to still be in my life. We reminded ourselves we were in a different place, in a good place, we talked about our work and acknowledged the huge pain I/we have been through.

Most of the times though the affair is not in focus anymore. Life is normal. Our commitment is strong. We have a new marriage dynamic, the way we interact, the way we manage conflict, how we relate to each other. We make future plans, we made additional financial commitments as a family. We don’t discuss the affair anymore because there isn’t much left to discuss. We laugh, we have fun, we manage conflict when needed, life is as it should be.

I don’t spend my life actively anticipating another negative outcome. I don’t look over my shoulder in fear (anymore). But my plan B is there to ensure that should it happen again, I have the tools to deal with it both emotionally and financially. When I make serious big decisions these days I assess the impact not only from the perspective of "us" but also from the perspective of "how is this affecting me personally". Again, this isn’t said in a regretful way, I think, given my personal trauma history and my reaction on dday, that I should have never put myself aside as an individual.

There won’t ever be a guarantee that your WS won’t cheat again, there won’t ever be a guarantee that you won’t be cheated on again by any other partner for that matter.
So my answer is two fold: what work are you doing on yourself to ensure you safeguard yourself should this happen again? By this I mean on all levels, financially and emotionally. Love is about risking your heart to be broken over and over again. You cannot protect it unless you don’t take the risk of loving anymore. Saying that, there is work you can do to ensure that, should this happen again, you have a better emotional bandwidth to process it in a healthier way.

Absolutely agree with this. In fact, Luna’s entire post is excellent. In my view, the fact you could get hurt again is not a reason not to love and trust again, that would be like cutting off your nose to spite your face. The trick is to go into it knowing you know what to look for, and that you will be okay if it happens again. My attitude was, this is what I want and deserve in a partner and in a marriage. If you think you can be that person, then I’ll give you a shot because I love you and you were my first choice. If not, I’m not sticking around and trying to be content with anything less though. I’m going to have this in a marriage whether it’s with you or someone else.

I remember being terrified of false R at first. Over time, when his behaviour remained consistent, I became more and more comfortable believing it was real. People can fake things for a little while but it’s pretty hard to fake REAL change long term. Breaking trust takes only a minute but building trust, especially after betrayal, takes so much longer. Consistency and humility over time is all you can ask for.