SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all.

Been married for over 21 year but know my wife for over 30 years (she was 16, I was 18). Have 1 kid. I'm in the financial services industry and she's in the education sector. We have a house in a very nice area and have no money issues. We're immigrants (most of our family is still back in the old country) and also have a house overseas that we travel to every summer (she usually spends 6 weeks there with my kid and I join them there for 3 weeks).

Relationship-wise, we have not had any major hiccups and never suspected she was cheating or anything but... in the past few years, being a lot older and wiser, I started noticing red flags. For example, two years after she had our son, we decided to procreate again and... this time around, as soon as she got off the pill, she got pregnant immediately with triplets! We went to her doctor to get her checked out and he expressed to me how uncommon this was, to me personally. I did not think anything of it but now I think that was his way of saying "you better DNA your kids!" She had a reduction to one viable embryo, which she also ended up losing too. The loss put her in a depressive state for which she sought no help for at all.

Our sex life went from 1 time per week to 1 time per month and there were years when we were barely doing it. I tried to empathize with her so I did not make a stink of the sexless marriage for 7 years! Then, right before COVID, I started noticing odd behavior. She would be at work extra early and leave a little late every day. She would leave for work happy and come home to complain about the smallest thing. To me, it looked like she was happiest at work and I used to tell her that, which would bring on more nagging and complaining. We would stop talking to each other for days on end. Then she got invited to a wedding... coworker's son... I decided to go with her to see what was up. Probably one of the worst nights of my life. This is when I found out that my wife had created a parallel emotional support network at work and I wasn't invited. To this day, I do not know if that network included an affair partner but it all sounds like it did. The happy coworker/sad wife behavior continued for a while but it has since subsided and now makes it a point to decompress before she gets home.

I have more red flags, although none are smoking guns. Like I found out she was going out for coffee, while at work and while on vacation, with this man that was 6 years older than her. Or that she takes off her wedding ring often. Or that she'll tell me that she's going to pool party with a bunch of female coworkers and I come to find out that the husband or the son showed up to the party with a bunch of friends, etc. Now she's about to go back to the old country with my son and... I have a feeling she's way too comfortable being husbandless. Almost like she enjoys not having me there.

To make a long story short, I have had enough. I am literally contemplating divorce because she no longer seems happy in the marriage. I don't want to start snooping on her and, sadly, don't care to find out. I've tried MC with her but she seems to not get anything out of it. Primarily because she does have narcissistic tendencies.

To make a long story short, I am on the fence about divorce but do want to find out what it would look like if I decided to go that route. Are there any potential pitfalls I should be looking out for? Any advice or recommendations?

Thank you for your time.

The biggest pitfall is thinking you are unique or special or that you can outsmart the system.

With marriage that young and a marriage this old it’s basically a 50/50 split as outlined by the laws in your state/country. The best advice I can offer is to have a very clear understanding of the law and a complete overview of all finances – including pensions, savings etc – and the following your attorneys advice on what is "fair" according to the law.

I'd check with a lawyer our two and see what they tell you about your scenario. With being immigrants and owning a house out of the country, I wouldn't know anything about it.

My XWH is a covert narc, and he was always saying mean things and was very good at making home seem miserable. It's all part of the abuse cycle of a narc. He didn't have to keep the nice guy mask on at home like he did when we were out.

Maybe she plays a certain roll at work and just stood being nice when she gets home?

So, triplets ARE very uncommon. Doc wasn’t wrong there. And whether your wife released three eggs that cycle or one embryo divided, neither scenario would have anything to do with cheating on you with an OM. We’re not cats—copulation doesn’t trigger ovulation in human beings.

I would be depressed if I had an abortion followed by a miscarriage too. I’m sorry for the loss of your babies.

The best thing you can do is see a divorce lawyer to find out what the process and likely outcome would look like if you went that route.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 7:17 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

First and foremost, thank you all for the replies. I want to address some of the commentary:

My XWH is a covert narc, and he was always saying mean things and was very good at making home seem miserable.

I think all narcissists are like that. Mine certainly is. Like, this week, we had a get together with friends on Saturday and she spent all day, from dusk until dawn, running errands, setting up the place, cleaning up, all around being active. Then yesterday, even though she got a full night's sleep, she spent the entire day (it was us and the kid only at home) napping on the couch. Completely out of commission. BUT, she got a phone call from a female friend and she quickly got up and left to go shopping.

It's all part of the abuse cycle of a narc. He didn't have to keep the nice guy mask on at home like he did when we were out.

Indeed. No one at works knows of my wife's "dark side." Only me. She used to get home so unhinged I would have to remind her that, at home, she was safe... that we liked her... that nothing would happen to her at home... just to calm her down. Yet, her behavior would make you believe otherwise, that, at home, she was ready for a war.

Maybe she plays a certain roll at work and just stood being nice when she gets home?

I've seen her texts with the people she works with. She is IN NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM an emotional person. I've never heard her say "I love you" to a family member. She is very cold when it comes to emotion... until I read the messages with coworkers: "I miss you guys, I wish I was at the office, it's an honor to be working with such fine people, I love you guys, etc." I was dumbfounded, like I had met another person.

So, triplets ARE very uncommon. Doc wasn’t wrong there. And whether your wife released three eggs that cycle or one embryo divided, neither scenario would have anything to do with cheating on you with an OM.

I think you misunderstood what I said... I'm not saying her pregnancy had anything to do with it. Look, getting her pregnant with our first kid was a nightmare that took over a year and required her to get endless rounds of hormonal injections and then IVF (my sperm count was 2% below average). When we decided to have a second kid, she got pregnant naturally with triplets, lost 2 during a reduction and then lost the last one after 18 weeks. The giving birth to a dead child part threw her into a depression. I made multiple attempts at having her seek psychological help but she's a person with narcissistic tendencies that takes input from no one and decided to "plow through" life and dealing with the pain by making our relationship hell and her relationship with our only son as stale as possible.

Even though we were not having sex because, according to her, she was feeling down, by year 2 post miscarriage, she was buying and wearing Victoria Secrets thongs and very sexual attire, which she was only wearing to go to work. She also shaved and started taking care of her private parts and forced me to use condoms whenever we had intercourse. This whole period, between year 2 and year 7 was very tumultuous, because I was still in "baby loss mode" triggered by her mood swings, her lack of wanting to seek psychological help and me just trying to empathize with the loss, while she was undergoing a transformation to her old self that only her coworkers were seeing. Like I said, I'm not going to bother you with the multiple red flags but... the shaving down there, the taking a shower as soon as she came home from a coworker's get together, etc. The signs are there. Again, at the time I was still mourning our loss but, in hindsight, she seemed to be ok. I still remember her going to work and showing me the thongs she was wearing and asking me if I liked them as if... as if she were taunting me, as if to say "see? You're not getting any of this, someone else is." And then there's the conversation with her gynecologist, alone, after we found out she was pregnant with triplets, in which he told me repeatedly that this was "very, very odd."

The best thing you can do is see a divorce lawyer to find out what the process and likely outcome would look like if you went that route.

Thanks. That is the plan. She is about to depart for another trip and I can already tell she is getting into "single girl" mode (ring comes off most of the day, she's making plans with the (divorced) friends in the old country, making plans, meaning all the things she DOES NOT do with us).

I really don't see a way out of this and I know this is going to hit her like a ton of bricks but... I have to do it for my own sanity. This summer I plan on getting lawyerly advice, to get some solid footing as to where we stand and what I am facing as far as separation and divorce.

Like I said, any advice is welcomed.

[This message edited by Papi at 12:45 PM, Monday, June 19th]

My apologies; I missed the part about you struggling to conceive naturally in the past. I only saw where you said the doctor told you it was unusual and you sensed he was implying you should DNA test your child—I thought you thought he was conflating the triplet pregnancy with an affair. . Sorry for the confusion.

FYI your wife doesn’t need to be cheating to D her.

If you are unhappy for long enough and she’s not a person you want to be married to, then it’s probably time for a D.