SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, like most of you here I never expected I would be here dealing with this, but here we are. I'm just looking for connection with others who are going through the same thing and maybe some advice. It's already been a little comforting reading other's stories.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and together for 7. A few days ago we had an argument and everything blew up. He told me he wasn't happy and raised several issues with our marriage, many of which I think are valid. I spent a few days with my mom and came home, thinking we were ready to try and make it work. We had talked and both decided to try and work on it.

The very next morning the bomb dropped. I woke up to a text from my husband's best friend saying that his wife and my husband were having an "inappropriate" relationship. I immediately asked my husband what was going on and he initially lied. But he came clean and told me he has been having a long distance emotional affair with sexual conversations and photos with his best friend's wife.

I don't know how to feel. He says he has "feelings" for her but doesn't think he is in love with her. He says he never imagined leaving me to be with her, only having us both.

The odd thing is I don't feel angry. I feel like I understand why it happened. The issues in our marriage are real. But at the same time the thought of it makes me sick. I haven't been able to eat much and I feel nauseous. I randomly get thoughts of these conversations with this woman and my heart feels like it's going break all over again. It breaks my heart to think he chose another woman to share his wants, desires, and feelings with.

The worst part is not knowing and not trusting. He made it clear he can talk to this woman and I will never know. He deleted all of the things off his phone and part of it happened on his work phone. He says he wants to be with me and work things out. He called her in front of me to tell her it was done, that he loved me and wanted to work things out with me. He blocked her on everything. But how will I know if he doesn't hold true to that?? I never would. I heard her on the phone saying she loves him and wants a future with him.

We are both starting IC and also MC together. I just don't know if this is something that can be survived. I know the statistics say it's possible but right now I just can't imagine ever trusting this man again. I feel like she will always be there around the corner ready to snatch him from me when I make mistakes. I feel like he will always be thinking of her in the back of her mind. I feel like it's impossible for him to really chose me and our marriage.

Truly, one of the most vile things waywards do is to convince or allow their betrayed spouses to accept blame and take responsibility and accountability for their behavior.

Do you know who didn't run off pursuing a relationship with their best friend's husband despite problems in the marriage? You.

You can accept some responsibility for problems in the marriage, that's fine, and appropriate.
However, under no circumstances-- (excepting if you gave tacit permission)--- do you have any culpability for your husbands actions with OW. Please do not blame yourself for what he chose to do.

I want to say, Your husband's best friend has done you a very kind service. It's painful--- but what he chose to do in telling you was the right thing to do. I hope you and he are able to support each other as needed. You can become allies in working through this, regardless of wether you or he chooses to R or D.

"He made it clear he can talk to this woman and I will never know"
This is not a good start on his part.

You'll find here at SI a healing library, and there are several articles that explain what is required of a wayward spouse in order for R to be viable--- please read them. If your H is non-compliant, and he will likely mess up... most do--- then you can continually re-evaluate if R is right for you.

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He told me he wasn't happy and raised several issues with our marriage, many of which I think are valid.

Blame shifting straight from the cheater's playbook. They all do it, every time.

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But he came clean and told me he has been having a long distance emotional affair with sexual conversations and photos with his best friend's wife.

I hope you will share any information your H provides, including confessions, confirmations, and any other evidence he (the OBS) feels comfortable seeing and you sharing. His wife is likely running him through the same metal abuse that you're experiencing.

[This message edited by swoned at 8:31 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]

Hello and welcome to SI, I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did. First do not take any blame for this, this is 100 on him. He didn't stay in and fight for the M, he ran to his best friend's W.

We are both starting IC and also MC together. I just don't know if this is something that can be survived.

IC yes, MC no!!! He is not remorseful and wants to stay in contact with OW. He wants to sit on the fence and eat cake. Please visit the healing library and the pinned topics above, It's time for a hard 180.

Welcome to the club you never wanted to join.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not accept that issues in the M caused him to cheat. The fact that he is broken person, and has a weak moral compass is why he cheated, anything other than that as a reason from is unacceptable.

Yes relationships do survive this, but not by sweeping it under the rug, not by owning your partners choices. They survive by the WS owning their shit, and doing the real work to fix whatever is broken in them that allows them to make the shitty choices they made. They survive when the BS takes a stand and does not tolerate anything less than the hard work the WS has to do. They survive when the couple together works their asses off to rebuild.

The first thing I would urge you to do is to see an attorney, learn your rights, understand his responsibilities and figure out what D or S would look like for you.
See your Dr, and get full STD panel, and demand the same of him. If there was NO physical aspect he will jump at the chance to prove his innocence, in the meantime hold a hard line and don't have sex w/ him unprotected until he proves he won't give you an STD. That means a pelvic exam and blood work for you. Also be honest with your Dr, and let them know if you aren't sleeping, and aren't able to eat. This is a huge trauma, and it takes a toll on you. You have to make yourself the priority from now on.

Then you need to figure out what you will and will not tolerate from him moving forward. I can tell you that often here you will see people say that you have to be willing to lose your M to save it. This is very true. But the deeper truth is that you have already lost your M. Your M as you knew it is gone. Now it's time to rebuild. You get to decide how to do that. The learning library will help guide you on your path. Keep reading, keep posting.

So sorry you had to find us. One thing that happens often is that the WS rewrites the marital history. I would bet that the issues in the M that he was discussing happened around the same time he was cheating. It's trying to justify his bad choices.

Try to stay hydrated and eat, even if it's protein shakes. If you have trouble sleeping, you may need to talk to your doctor if over the counter stuff doesn't help.

Nothing you said or didn't say, did or didn't do, acted or didn't act caused him to cheat. He cheated because he has something broken and he didn't choose to honor your marriage vows.

There are two books that I recommend. One for him (although you can read it) and one for both of you. First, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It is short and can help provide a blueprint for what he needs to do. Second, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Her chapter on windows and walls is very helpful for those trying to understand good boundaries in relationships. There is an assessment that you can take to see if a relationship is crossing boundaries or not. The windows are between you and your spouse so that you are transparent with each other. Walls are set up between people outside your M because there are things that they should not see.

Intimate partner betrayal trauma is some of the worst there is. It is the most painful thing I've been through. You can survive. It just might not feel like it at times, but you can survive.

ETA: There are no really good statistics that show the percentage of relationships that survive infidelity. Reconciliation takes a lot of work from both partners, and each of you needs to be 100% committed to changing and making it work. Unfortunately, one partner isn't able to be all in.

Often, it's the behavior afterward dday that causes problems. More lies, more cheating, more secretiveness, etc.

[This message edited by leafields at 10:37 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]