SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know what to do....where do I begin...

I discovered my husband was having an online affair for two years. We have kids and I'm pregnant. I feel like I need to make things work because of this. Ending things now is likely to cause a huge mess and I don't think I can take all of that while pregnant.

I saw messages from the affair and my husband completely ripped me apart in them by complaining about me to a high level. Anyone reading them would think he hated me with a passion. He says he didn't mean it and it was all said in anger because of everything he wasn't happy with in the relationship. He says he cheated because I don't do enough for him. Some parts of this are true but I've spent the last few years raising our young children who are close in age. My focus was more on them than him. So I'm willing to try to fix that side of things.

However my gut just feels like giving up.I don't know if it's my gut or just my emotions being so sick and tired of this that I want to escape. The messages in the affair made me realise how unhappy he was with me and almost that he wants someone completely different in every way (looks, personality etc.). I've told him it's better to just go and be with the person who he wants but he keeps saying he wants to fight for the family. But I'm not sure if he's continuing to lie like he has for years - he agreed with me on things he really didn't actually agree with just to shut me up.

I'm so scared of being played again that it makes me want to just end it to switch my brain off from over thinking. The once a cheater always a cheater line keeps coming in my mind. However one thing I must confess is years ago I cheated on him before we had the kids. I was going through a majorly tough time and really wasn't myself. A friend of mine took advantage of this and I fell into it until I started to recover and then realised I had messed up and ended it feeling ashamed and disgusted. It still disgusts me to this day. I sometimes wonder if this is my karma and try to be understanding of my husband's affair because of this. However in my case where I feel disgusted, he seems to not fully realise how bad his actions have been and still seems to have good feelings from it. Only a few weeks ago he said he would like to get back in touch with the other woman if we don't work out. He now says he doesn't feel that anymore but I don't know what to believe anymore.....

I still think he "loves" this other woman. Whenever I say something bad about her he gets very defensive and annoyed. I know the feelings can't automatically switch off since they chatted all day every day for two years, but how can I go forward trying to make this work when I feel he still loves this woman. He says he doesn't.

Gosh this is such a mess. How do you cope? We're speaking to a therapist who is encouraging us to do more together but I don't want to. I'm not even sure if I want him or love him anymore. I'm just so put off by everything he's done and all the details from their chats. It was embarrassing and disgusting. I would never go for the guy that was chatting in those messages, but that guy is my husband!

How do you get past that first stage of trying to reconcile when you partly hate and feel disgusted by your husband, but want things to work in the hope that the lessons learned will make the relationship stronger than before? Help :(

Hey confused, ,sorry you had to find us.

I am going to recommend a few things:
Read the pinned and the bullseyed posts through the Just Found Out Forum (JFO)
Read in the Healing library.
Take care of yourself and your kids. eat well, drink lots of water, get a little exercise and sleep.
Get to your dr immediately and get full panel of STD/STI tests to protect you and your unborn child.
Find help IRL— counselor, bestie, pastor… someone you can trust. It helps to have support.
See a lawyer to understand what your options are. You don’t have to file, but you need to know. Knowledge is power and it will help with fears.
Understand that his cheating has nothing to do with what you did or did not do. he may have been unhappy in the M, but there were MANY other options other than cheating.

What is he doing? Is he in IC (individual counseling) to find out why and how he allowed himself to betray you and your kids?
Get off the apps he used to have the A?
100% transparency in all electronics and his whereabouts?
Written out a timeline of his A?
gone 100% no contact (NC) with his Affair Partner (AP)?

(If you get little traction on this post, you might want to ask the mods to move it to the JFO forum).

I saw messages from the affair and my husband completely ripped me apart in them by complaining about me to a high level. Anyone reading them would think he hated me with a passion. He says he didn't mean it and it was all said in anger because of everything he wasn't happy with in the relationship. He says he cheated because I don't do enough for him. Some parts of this are true but I've spent the last few years raising our young children who are close in age. My focus was more on them than him. So I'm willing to try to fix that side of things

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. You are clearly going through a lot. Quite candidly, nothing that you did caused your husband to cheat. It is all about him and his brokenness. A lot of his affair is projection, he said some awful and hurtful things about you and you are right to be upset, but most times, cheaters say and do some absolutely awful things as part of the persona that they show their AP. It doesn't make your feelings any less valid and if you see infidelity is a red line that he crossed and you will not tolerate it in your marriage, by all means, you are well within your rights to end the marriage. Staying for the kids while seemingly a noble thing, is in the end not enough to sustain a relationship.

I've spent the last few years raising our young children who are close in age.

Small kids die unless they get the attention they need. Adults can take care of themselves. I really hated making that adjustment, but fathers have to make it. Your H hasn't done that yet.

You describe a man who won't step up to meet his responsibilities. I can understand not wanting to do things with him. In MC, have either of you brought up your H's reasons for cheating? If so, what has the MC said? If not, I recommend bringing up his 'reason' at the next session.

What did you do to heal from your A? What have you done to protect yourself from the next one? I'm not sure you really understand your A. For one thing, unless it was date rape, your friend could not have taken advantage of you unless you let him. If it was date rape, what have you done with the awful feelings that go with being raped?

Does your H know about your A? If so, what has he done to heal?

Whether you D or R, you've got a lot of work to do. Have faith in yourself - you can do the necessary work if you choose to do it. Your H has a lot of work to do, too, whether you D or R. Is he willing to do it? Doesn't look like it so far. If your therapist doesn't confront his reasons, you probably need a new therapist.

I don't have to go very far to imagine the awful feelings you have now. Being betrayed is terrible in itself. To be betrayed and blamed for it while pregnant just adds injury to the basic injuries.

Be kind to yourself. Stay hydrated and mourished. Sleep when you can. I'd say make sure you exercise, but caring for a couple of youngsters - pre-schoolers? - probably is exercise enough. If it isn't move your body.

Have you considered IC for yourself? Being able to talk to a person and get immediate feedback can be a big help at curing confusion.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:57 PM, Friday, June 9th]

I am in no way condoning your husbands behavior but I assume he knows about your betrayal and still carries the hurt. He probably does not feel disgusted about his cheating because it now evens the playing field. It also probably explains why he is comfortable talking negative about you. Even if your betrayal has been addressed the scars probably remain.

Don’t mind me saying this, but from what you write it seems like you justify your cheating compared to his. What’s to say he’s not going through a tough time Too?

Is your therapist addressing both the betrayals ? There is a lot to unpack here with both cheating.

He is thinking of AP as a backup and you don’t even love him anymore. How will reconciliation work when both partners are not in it completely ?

I would recommend two books. One is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It is fairly short and both of you should read it.

Another book I recommend is Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. The chapter on windows and walls is helpful in understanding boundaries between you as a married couple and friends. You should build Windows between too and toot spouse to be transparent, but walls with others because they don't need to be involved in your marriage.

Being a Madhatter (both a wayward spouse and betrayed spouse) is tough because you have both sides to work through.

ETA: In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for madhatters that may be helpful.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:35 PM, Saturday, June 10th]

Thank you to all of you who have replied. The questions and comments have given me a lot to think about and I realise I need to explore these points seriously whether that's through our current couples therapy or possibly me signing up for IC which is looking more like an option I need to take.

I realise that's what needs to be my current next step. I can't simply make a decision on this without exploring these points more. I'm seriously so grateful for each point raised in each response. I'm glad I posted as I don't think I would have come to think about all of this without it which may seem crazy since we are getting therapy and I have spoken to others. But I guess the community here has valuable experience that not everyone can share. It means so much. Thank you so much