SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been married for 10 years and have a lovely 3 year old. Never thought that I will have to see this day in my life.
Found out that my husband has been cheating on me with my friend. They both acted normal and went on with this for 6 months last year.
I noticed they had stopped talking so I confronted them and found out about the affair. My husband has been asking for forgiveness. He said he ended things when he realized what he was doing and wants to make things work again.
I am devastated and traumatized and can't seem to get out of this. I am not sure what to do here. Even if I forgive him, I look at him and I just can't forget his doings...

Forgiveness isn't a requirement for reconciliation, or divorce.

Also..forgiveness is earned. What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

Did you tell her husband yet?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:48 AM, Thursday, June 8th]

Six months was not a mistake. It was a planned love affair.
I am sorry you have been dealt this hand. Please look after yourself. Small meals or protein shakes. Meds, if needed, for anxiety and sleep.
Others will come along with accumulated wisdom to help you process this.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Another treasure trove of information I the Healing Library.

Forgiveness can have many meanings, but you don't have to work on that right now. Nobody said you have to forget.

An A (affair) is not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An A is thousands of conscious decisions to betray.

A good book for your WH (wayward husband) is by Linda MacDonald, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It's fairly short and helps create a roadmap of what he can do to help you.

Another book recommendation is "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

Right now, watch his actions and don't listen to the words. His actions will show you if he's doing the work to be a safe partner.

IC (individual counseling) for each of you. If you can see a betrayal trauma specialist, especially one with infidelity, it will be helpful.

We're here to help get you out of infidelity, whether it's D (divorce) or R (reconciliation).

There's a saying here to take what you need and leave the rest.

Keep posting and practice lots of self-care.

I am so sorry you had to experience this betrayal and it’s worse when it’s with a "friend".

I hope you consider getting yourself counseling. Not marriage counseling but your own counseling. You need someone to support you. You will deal with hurt and pain and anger and hate and a whole range of emotions toward your husband.

It’s okay to ask for separate bedrooms or space or ask him to leave for a time while you process this.

Just realize he did not admit this on his own. He was hoping you would never find out.

So what is your H doing now? Is he going for counseling? Is he reading any books on how to reconcile and help you heal? Is he remorseful (truly sorry for the affair) or just sorry he got caught?

Is he talking openly and honestly with you? Is he digging deep to answer your questions about why?

I am so sorry for you. Please know nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. He cheated b/c he wanted to. Period.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:38 AM, Thursday, June 8th]