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Newest Member: May28

Reconciliation :
How to move forward for me?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Iam1983 (original poster new member #83372) posted at 2:40 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

I am 39 (f) husband is 50. Got pregnant at 21 only dated 3 months prior. I put my naive scared self into him 100% I dedicated the next 18 years to raising the family (2 daughters 17&15) working alongside him helping the business. He has always had a past of infidelity ( one night stands) but I chose then to turn a blind eye as my family was young and as a father he was a good one. 18 years later I am contemplating divorce. I through my own choice have not given myself anything, I have no career, no money and little self esteem. My confidence is shattered and I have found out recently (even though he denies) he has started an emotional affair, my intuition is something I do not second guess anymore . I don’t know anything but being with him. I find it so hard to let go, I am not even angry at him more angry at myself for putting myself in this position. We are extremely civil to each other, we don’t fight much, he says he still loves me and wants to be with me, I don’t understand this. I am petrified at the prospect of starting from zero, I have been dependent on him for the whole relationship. I have no friends and am isolated. I am an anxious mess I am not sure if I’m on the verge of being depressed.

I would like some advice/stories/tips on how to start over.

posts: 2   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Florida
id 8792117
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Hello Iam. First, I'm sorry you are here.

But I'm glad to hear that your questions are about YOU and not your WS or even your marriage. Focusing on you is the right move.

Let me say that getting together so young and sharing that many years of life builds a pretty strong bond. We are wired to bond to other humans for survival. Losing that, no matter how "bad" it might have been, causes a genuine biological response: usually pain and panic. So know that you're feelings are biologically driven. Perfectly normal. The trick, in part, is to start letting your rational mind make the decisions. Some steps you might take:

Self care - you're going to need to soothe that lizard brain to quiet it a bit. Comfort yourself with good self care and doing pleasurable things for yourself. Some also find meditation, exercise and therapy as helpful tools to deal with the anxiety.

See a lawyer - not to file but to start to understand what your financial life might look like if you end the marriage. Knowledge is power. This is a first step that doesn't have to go anywhere but many people feel empowered by doing it. Often what we fear is simply the unknown. Find out.

Employment - are you in a position to find and take a job? I can't tell if you're "working beside" your husband means you are his full time employee. Either way, you need some independence and this is a great first step. It doesn't have to be major - go work at a coffee shop or book store or Walmart. It doesn't matter. An identity out of your home that also gives you some financial independence will boost your self-esteem.

These are first steps but ones that are aimed at your healing and your independence. I promise you once you start to feel stronger, it gets easier.

Keep posting.

posts: 602   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8792156
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 3:03 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Hello, sorry you are here. It sounds like you are deciding to put yourself first and whilst scary that is a very exciting thing. You are still very young, with a long life ahead of you. So many avenues can open up whether going into work, vocational training, higher education or other. Please seek legal advice regarding division of assets and your contribution to the business and ongoing support for you having been a SAHM. IC could be helpful too. There is a forum below for those separating and it would be good to post there also. But I note you’ve posted in Reconciliation so maybe you are having second thoughts about divorcing and want to find out more about reconciliation and conditions for reconciliation?

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6645   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8792157
Topic is Sleeping.
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