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Newest Member: CrazyLikeAFox

Reconciliation :
Wife finally doing what she needed to do 8 years ago

Topic is Sleeping.
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 OneInTheSame (original poster member #49854) posted at 1:46 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

We are in "affair season" right now: the affair was just getting up to speed this time of year, 8 years ago. My wife dragged her feet on IC until about a year had passed and she learned she was eligible for free counseling through the VA. She probably didn’t go for more that 6-8 visits or so, saying her counselor seemed to be more focused on another issue.

She should have continued back then, for many reasons, but to help me was an important one. But my wife was cowardly and selfishly did all she could to protect herself from having to face her betrayal of me, or digging around in her past to see if there were old wounds that were preventing it.

Now she had learned that she can file a claim for sexual trauma that occurred during her nearly four years in the military back in the 80’s. She very well may qualify for benefits due to her experiences. But she must be evaluated, diagnosed with PTSD, and treat with a psychologist. And I am all for this — fully supportive.

But I am struggling with this as well. I am suffering some pretty awful permanent physical and emotional damage from her years of foot dragging, TT, defensiveness, and some uncharacteristic cruelty that is likely a result of her past trauma. Normally I would say I’ll benefit too if she qualifies for disability, but the timeline for the whole process is not giving me much hope. I’ve suffered some irreversible damage to my nervous system that I get to deal with, while she works to off-load her issues. And no amount of money will undo or fix what stress has done to my health. Just facing this is triggering me, because it still feels like this will be all about her … and it’s too late for me. It’s a crap way to feel, but to be honest, I’ve had to accept so much just to survive. She is my caregiver. I’m hoping at least she might learn how to deal with me as my health continues to decline. I’m feeling pretty much like "leftovers" and a burden … instead of the person she’d do absolutely anything to protect and keep safe, as she stated
in her marriage vows 9 years ago.

I’m overwhelmed. Exhausted. In constant physical discomfort and pain. Battle-scarred. Disappointed. Sad.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2533   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8792112
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:10 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

crying

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29800   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8792158
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:23 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

{{hugs}}

Sending hugs.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3314   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8792266
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:22 AM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Sending more hugs. I hope things improve for you, OITS.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5912   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8792279
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 4:21 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

OITS,

Sorry, difficult to accept the years lost waiting for them to become aware.

posts: 1462   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8792470
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farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Let me preface what I am about to say as something coming from a place of concern/care over your self awareness, not condescension.

Are you mad at you WW for dragging her feet?

Or are you mad at yourself for tolerating it?

The answer to that question could be one of the most emotionally freeing moments in your reconciliation process.

I am sorry you continue to experience this pain, and I hope you find your way through it. Peace.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 665   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8792741
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 OneInTheSame (original poster member #49854) posted at 11:56 AM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Are you mad at you WW for dragging her feet?

Or are you mad at yourself for tolerating it?

I would be mad at myself for tolerating it had I had the energy or resources to have done anything else! My days are spent using all my energy just trying to get from sun-up to sundown. I applied as much pressure as I was able to, but she was not processing it very well. She made progress in many areas, but it was the poorest in the areas I seemed to need most, like showing remorse and empathy. I could not change that, she had to, but I learned along the way it was a challenge for her. She had buried her ability to feel so deeply that she was afraid to find out. She was literally scared that therapy would tear her apart. I told her that fear was what was going to be my demise, because it was not allowing her to give me what I needed from her.

It’s mostly scar tissue by now. Lately she has shown me that she is trying very hard. But she is still not hearing me about what I need. And that is not an easy task, because most of what I deal with physically is not something she can do much about. I can’t handle even a nice back rub as it aggravates my symptoms. Bed time is a challenge for me because my symptoms increase when I lie down. It takes me all my focus to do a task, and it is even stressful to tell her how she can help.

I think part of my disappointment stems from the fact that even after almost 25 years, she had not paid sufficient attention to be able to help without a lot of coaching. This, contrary to the statement she made during our new phase so many years ago: "And I pay attention to my partners." I’m beginning to think our definitions of "attention" are not the same.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2533   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8792820
Topic is Sleeping.
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