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Wayward Side :
New to reconciliation and would appreciate advice

Topic is Sleeping.
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 LA8472 (original poster new member #83069) posted at 10:26 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

My husband and I have been married for 2 years (together 4) and have a 18 month old son. My husband has serious trouble keeping his emotions in check sometimes. We go through long periods of bliss and then something will set him off an we will fight constantly or ignore each other for weeks. This is usually once or twice a year. Whenever it does happen I get so stressed out that I can’t stand it and don’t know what to do. Whenever there is a stressful situation he can not handle it and takes it out on me. Recently my grandmother died (who pretty much raised me) and then a few months after that my father died. I was ok most of the time but I was really just checked out of everything. I wasn’t happy, but I was not depressed either. I was just kind of there, maybe numb, although sometimes very emotional. I felt different and not myself. He was the opposite of a supportive husband and he was really mean and cruel when all I really needed from him was to just be nice to me. That is literally all I wanted from him. I didn’t need pep talks or for him to do anything for me, all I wanted was for him not to scream at me during a very difficult period in my life. After this I really started to pull away from him and resent him. I started spending more time out of the house to get away from the tension when it was possible. I started going out with my friends more and socializing in general. This is not said to blame my husband for my actions but it was one of my reasons.

My ex and I dated for 2 years but we broke up because of personality differences that made us clash and we wanted different things at that time in our lives. We still have some friends in common and before this would see each other in group settings every so often. He started spending more time with my friend group because he got a different job and had more free time. He was always really easy to talk to and knew my family so our connection grew again. It was like talking to an old friend and was comforting. We started spending more time together and my feelings for him grew and came up again. This made me have second thoughts about my marriage along with our previous issues. I thought seriously about us getting back together and how we were both different now that we were older and maybe it was a mistake breaking up. It went from alone time to physical touch and then to a full physical affair. During this time I thought that there was a very good chance we would get divorced in the near future anyway because our marriage was in such a sad state even while still loving him. This lasted for a few months and it was 2-4 times a week with constant contact and sexting.

At the end of this my ex started making more demands of me and we started arguing more. After one particular argument I told him I needed space and ignored his calls and texts for 2 days. This made him angry enough to text my husband and allude to the affair but not directly say it. The night he got that that text he went through my phone while I was sleeping and it was all there. I woke up with him getting on top of me screaming and grabbing my face, it was one of the worst moments of my life. My husband tried to fight my ex and get him fired. There was several days where they were harassing each other.

I am struggling with all that I have done but also battling lingering feelings for my ex. I feel horrible seeing how badly I have hurt my husband. I am facing down the very real possibility of losing the best thing that ever happened to me and it is killing me. I don’t want my son to have a broken home before he is even a toddler thanks to his mother. During my affair my husband went back to being stable and normal but I was still pulling away from him, things were better at home though. Now it is our worst fights x10 He left for 2 weeks, he was a mess and was drinking a lot. He is at our home now and has agreed to marriage counseling and he never wanted to before, so that is good. Most of the time he ignores me if it isn’t about our son and the rest of the time is a knockdown drag out fight. He thought my behavior was odd but didn’t think I was cheating. My husband and I have had our issues but he is the best man I and I do love him. He really loves me and would do anything for me. I hurt him very deeply and want to do whatever I can to save my marriage. Since reality has came at me hard I have realized how nonsensical the affair was and how much I have set my life back. I have tried to be as honest as possible since things have stabilized comparatively but god, it is so hard. What is the usual timeline of reconciliation and what steps besides the obvious should I take?

I am 24, he is 34. We also had a threesome when we were first dating if any of that matters.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023
id 8790516
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 10:41 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

Hi LA. Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

Before we get to the next steps: are you safe? When you talk about knock down, drag out fights, is something happening that physically endangers either one of you and/or may be traumatizing your son?

WW/BW

posts: 3541   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8790725
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 12:25 AM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

LA,

The threesome might matter depending on the circumstances.

If you initiated it or enjoyed it more than he did, it may have confirmed in his mind that he is your second choice or third sexually. Overall with everything else considered he is your first or best choice, but no man want to just be a provider and dad.

Men often harbor resentment about sexual matters and small details you might not even notice are big.

That he is older than you may magnify things as well. Particularly if the Ex is the same age as you.

Is the person from the threesome in your life still social media etc.

Is there a way to completely remove the OM from any contact with your family, friends etc.

posts: 1408   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8790744
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BetterNowReally ( new member #77292) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

No STOP sign so I am offering my view as a betrayed spouse.

I agree that the first priority is ensuring your physical safety.

Please correct me if I am wrong but my understanding is as follows: You initially broke up with your ex because of arguments due to personality clashes. You have yearly or twice yearly knock down drag out arguments with your husband. You then cheated with your ex but that also is not working out very well due to arguments.

Perhaps you are just bad at picking partners. Or possibly, since you are the only common denominator, you could be the problem.

As far as how long reconciliation can take, I think it varies, at least it seems that way based on stories in various infidelity fora and other related resources. It seems like at the verry least it takes YEARS. That is also consistent with my experience.

An important thing to note is that the years of reconciliation cannot truly commence until the wayward fully owns and understands the wrong they have done and the full extent of the damage they have done with their cheating, lying, selfishness, deception, etc. That includes taking responsibility for your own wrongful actions and not trying to shift the blame to the betrayed partner. True reconciliation also cannot begin, in my opinion and experience, until the cheater decides to become a safe partner who is also willing to help their betrayed partner navigate the horrendous pain and consequences of such a heinous betrayal.

You are early days in this and clearly have a long way to go. You seem to be focused only on yourself, what you want, what you like or do not like, what good you can get out of your own bad behavior (marriage counseling), etc.

Try focusing a lot more on your poor betrayed husband. I am making an educated guess here that you have totally emasculated and destroyed him with your affair. Please do not underestimate the extent of the harm you have caused him.

There is hope, but you will need to drastically change your attitude and show with actions that you "get it" and are willing to actively try to help your betrayed partner.

There are several amazing reformed waywards on this particular forum who give great advice. Please listen to them.

Best of luck to you and your poor husband.

[This message edited by BetterNowReally at 12:29 AM, Saturday, May 13th]

Life is hard; get a helmet. Eric from Boy Meets World

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8790746
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SkipThumelue ( member #82934) posted at 7:56 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

WH here. MC at this stage is a huge mistake. You both need to work on yourselves in IC before any MC can be attempted. Your marriage didn't cheat, you did.

Your BH is hurting right now and what he needs the most is your understanding and your willingness to put him and your M first and foremost.

What does that mean for you?

No contact with the AP. None. No "checking in" or seeking "closure". He is dead to you from here out. Even if it means changing jobs, losing some friends, etc. NC means NC forever if you're seeking reconciliation.

Start IC with a good therapist well-versed in adultery. If he/she starts spouting garbage about "unmet needs", run. like. hell.

No trickle truth. Answer any question your BH asks, truthfully and with complete openness. There can't be any secrets or minimization. Each time you lie by omission is like another DDay for the BS when it comes to light. All the wounds that have started to heal are ripped open and they may bleed heavier than the first time.

Read as much as you can. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald and Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass are near-mandatory for you and can be very helpful for your BH.

There are many, many good people here and the collective wisdom is a treasure trove. I lurked here for several years and I credit the advice I read here (along with my therapist) with getting my head out of my ass. And please keep posting! You're helping others while getting help for yourself. I wish you and your BH all the best.

WH
DD: 5/2019
Reconciling and extremely grateful
I do not accept PMs
"The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself." - St. Augustine

posts: 113   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023
id 8790953
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 2:26 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Hi LA8472, BH here no stop sign.

I'm concerned about all the toxic aspects of both relationships, you don't need MC you need IC and to sharpen your picker. Your H is physically abusive and your Ex is willing to interfere with your M. You need to protect yourself and not acccept any physical abuse. Do not try to convince yourself that your somehow deserve it.

I am struggling with all that I have done but also battling lingering feelings for my ex.

This is going to make it very difficult to reconcile. I wish your the best.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3159   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8790987
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 2:04 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

No Stop Sign:

At the top of the Wayward Forum is a post called "Things that every Wayward Spouse needs to know". Here is the link:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/

I am not a wayward or cheating spouse, so I am not going to say the things that are going through my mind right now. WS on this forum probably can give you the best advice. I will say that I agree that you seem to have a very bad "partner picker". My wife has a great niece who is up in her 30s now. I see you two almost as the same when it comes to picking partners. Since my wife's great niece was a teenager the only boys/men who appealed to her were the so-called "bad boys", and she has been in one toxic relationship after another. Does this describe you? Only you can answer.

Also, I will echo that Marriage Counseling should be put on hold until both you and your husband each have had Individual Counseling for at least 6 months.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 2:05 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

posts: 230   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8791047
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MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 2:24 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

LA8472,

A new baby, grandmother and father passing, and a potentially abusive husband with drinking/anger issues at times - all at the young age of 22-24.

I put it this way to illustrate to you the stresses you are dealing with and to cope you chose to go the 'escapist' route which included having a good time with friends and then your ex. Look at your actions and choices through that lens.

True R can take years. In my experience it took first acknowledging the affair and coming clean, but then also realizing that I had a lot of personal stuff I needed to address, and then both my BW and I had a lot of M stuff to address. And yes my BW also realized she had stuff to address. True reconciliation became an ongoing process, not an end goal. I ended up becoming a better person after all of this.

You need to really examine your 'Whys'. Going to IC can you help do some of the work to unravel what is going on.

Your BH should also go to IC to sort through his issues with anger and drinking.

And then you both need to work together to sort out you M issues.

Look, IC is not so expensive when you consider the benefits you get from it. It may take some bi-weekly session at first and then maybe monthly. For the cost of going out once or twice a week you can do IC instead.

Please take your time, but post an update for us. There are a lot of people here who can offer insights.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 5:47 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

WH 53,my BW is 52. 1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015. Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday"
To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 690   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8791054
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:55 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I am facing down the very real possibility of losing the best thing that ever happened to me and it is killing me.

The BEST thing... someone who stone walls you, picks fights with you, being,

really mean and cruel when all I really needed from him was to just be nice to me.

Look, I was nearly 22 when my dad died of cancer during my senior year of college. Married at 24, mom by 27. Became Catholic, got ostracized from my family, ALL of it. Through all of that... my H (then BF and then fiancé) was gentle, kind and caring. He was the best thing that happened to me in that time. What I'm trying to say to you is, I can relate.

Your identity is only just truly emerging as an adult in those years (I'm 40 now). You're learning who you are as an independent adult, as a lover, as a mother and wife ALL AT THE SAME TIME. ALL WHILE BEING ORPHANED. There were some red flags I minimized in my H when we were dating/engaged that got submerged under all the chaos of graduation, job hunt, mourning my dad, dealing with mothering my mother (who was a lunatic at that time). You've had a LOT to sort through in a VERY small time.

The fact that your BH was mean and cruel when you needed him most... is telling. He's emotionally abusive. It's emotional abuse to stonewall someone- not talking for weeks? That's emotional abuse. Being cruel when someone is in a vulnerable state (mourning the loss of a grandparent and parent in the same 2 month period??) is abuse.

I've been there too- unhappy with my M after I had PPD, was dealing with financial chaos, demeaning, critical H and his critical family. My own family's disownment and then the loss of any future possibility of children (him getting a vasectomy against my wishes). My marriage was hell... and then, H decided to attach himself to his "ideal" mother/wife/woman- my friend Deliah. It was "she does this, you should be more like her and do that. You should dress/cook/mother/housekeep/be a wife/do your hair/be skinny/decorate the house/act and talk like her" for a good 2 years.

My A started when my AP started being nice to me.

This made me have second thoughts about my marriage along with our previous issues.

He showed me that I was worthy of love, care, kindness and attention. I snapped when my son (9yo at the time) asked me to D his father on FATHER'S DAY- he was so unhappy. H was cold, critical and displeased with his own son to the point where DS picked up on it and was made miserable. I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore... but instead of choosing to D my H, I chose my A. Thinking, "who would want me anyway- H is likely right that I'm ugly/awful/worthless as a mother and wife- the only person who seems to like me is my AP and he's no prize either!"

I had no self esteem and was so broken down (also abused by my sister, mother and father as a kid- life is fun, right?)... I took whatever "kibbles" life had thrown my way (in the form of AP's cheap validation). I didn't believe that I deserved kindness and respect. I didn't believe that I could attain a healthy and happy sense of self and enjoy a positive and loving relationship with a man. I operated out of the belief that I was so inadequate that I had to accept whatever small pittance of love and affection came my way.

I don't know you- you've only posted once here- but your story sounds a lot like mine. Right now, if I can give you any advice, it would be to heal yourself first. If you try to heal your M before you and your BH heal... you're just going to be 2 unhealthy people in an unhealthy/abusive M. I'm learning that the relationship (M) can only be as healthy as the weakest partner. If you' don't want an unhealthy abusive M, do what YOU can do and heal yourself.

Yes, you chose an A instead of the D you needed. Yes, you're stuck with a man who abuses you emotionally and is capable of abusing you physically. Just because you made poor choices in the past doesn't mean that you have to keep making poor choices.

I agree with the other posters here who recommend IC. It was a literal lifesaver for me.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1134   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8791118
Topic is Sleeping.
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