Luna, thank you so much for your words. You have no idea how much they can help ♥
It is a natural reaction to compare your marriage to an affair once dday happens and request the same treatment or even better, be it sexually or emotionally.
But… and here is the big but, this is not sustainable long term. The same way that the affair dynamics would not have been sustainable should the relationship had moved into real life, a renewed marriage where the sex, sexting, constant demand of attention and love gestures is on steroids cannot last.
That's what my wife also told me. But until now, this sounded like a way of trying to shift the blame on something else. Maybe she was right on this one (well you can't be always wrong, I guess )
My personal experience showed me that, whilst my requirements were high in terms of what I needed in order to reconcile, after a while we did settle into a more sustainable dynamic, one were our marriage is an improved version of what it used to be, but the comparison to affair dynamics has ended long time ago once I realised that it was all bullshit and no substance.
Initially we had sex like rabbits for about 3 years, WH did all the romantic gestures he could think of, we even tried sexting (I’m sorry, it isn’t my thing so I gave that up after a couple of attempts).
I constantly expected him to see me as an attractive woman and not as his wife or mother of his kids, I had proper meltdowns when he said stuff such as "you’re so cute" as I wanted him to show me that he sees me as sexy, desirable, fuckable. blush I wanted flowers on any occasion he could think of, I wanted to be treated like I am on the highest pedestal he could find.
My God, you have no idea how much these words resonate in me. We went through the exact same things. I demanded to be her "lover", not just her nice husband or the father of our children. I wanted to feel passion, I wanted her to show me how much I could be attractive to her. Heck, I even went nuts every time she just said something nice like "you're kind", or "you're such a good man"...(I still find it hard to hear, but I don't scream at her when she says these things)
I expected and demanded more. I wanted the passion I had read through these thousands pages of chat transcripts. And in a way, for a while, we were kinda like that. But she later told me she felt obligated to give in to my demands, and that the felt trapped. So you're right, not the kind of sustainable couple you would love to be...
And yet here I am, close to my 6th dday anniversary, telling you that, whilst that was what I desperately needed back then to give reconciliation a chance, what was REALLY needed was way deeper than that: I needed to remind myself that it isn’t my WH defining who I am, how pretty/cute/sexy/Intelligent/
nice/kind/desirable I am. My value comes from within, not from a fragment of time when my WH may have decided I wasn’t all those things. I had to focus on myself a lot to reach this place where, whilst I love my WH and our life together, I don’t need him in order to be happy and fulfilled.
This is so true...
Whilst I expected my marriage to be an improved version of the one prior to the affair and I still hold him accountable for his share of it, I don’t by any means expect any "affair like behaviour" in our life. What would that be? Trust me, I’ve analysed the affair with the biggest magnifying glass I could find and whilst it took me a while to get there, there’s absolutely nothing from that sleazy relationship my husband had with a low self esteem woman that I want in my life. Lies, deceit, selfish, manipulative actions. Self serving behaviours that we have worked hard to identify and remove from our own character.
You're right. Even though I can't help but think that I would have loved to experience this with her, this was just "an experience", nothing more. And a pretty pathetic one at that.
I’ve done a lot of imaginary exercises of that affair behaviour and seriously, some of it I find hilarious. For example the phrase you quoted "I want to spend the whole day in bed with you". Erm… I don’t know how old your wife is but I’ve tried that in my younger years (spending the day in bed with my boyfriend at the time). By the time we had sex a couple of times and a snooze in between, I was sore, hungry, and ready to see the back of him and we were only an hour and a half into the "programme".
Thank you, this bit had me literally laughing out loud
My wife is 47, she was 44 at the time of the affair, but even then and for years she had always told me "staying in bed when you're not a teenager is just boring, unpleasant and exhausting".
So I suppose she was just playing that part in order to have him aroused (and as I was saying a couple posts above, she very well knew what could turn a man on). Doesn't change the fact that it hurt a lot (especially since the timestamps proved she wrote that after she came back from having sex with him, and a few minutes before we had our first fight in years... She told me she wanted to be "alone" for some time, "to get some space" and maybe get a flat somewhere. So much for the "I need space" part...)
But I get what you're saying. This probably was just words to keep him interested and aroused.
The ow in my WH’s affair used to send him descriptive texts on how his sperm tasted and how delicious it was. I’m yet to find a woman who honestly claims to like the taste of sperm. (No, I am not denying that women can enjoy BJs from an offering pleasure perspective,I’m talking about the actual taste of it).
LOL again... I'm sure you're right. Sorry in advance for TMI, but more seriously, my wife never was into that. But hey, she never was into anal either, and had I discovered the A just a few months later, I'm positive they would have done it (I even got proof she ordered an enema bulb the day after he tried to talk her into that... try to deny that evidence ) But this would have been as much a dealbreaker to me as if they had had sex in our house or bed. So luckily for her, I found out earlier.
Affair dynamics are about selling bullshit and believing the bullshit you’re sold even if it isn’t matching reality.
Healing takes time. Give yourself permission to analyse these feelings you are feeling and hopefully your wife is emotionally capable to join you in your pain and hold your hand on this painful path.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
[This message edited by iamjack at 12:43 PM, Wednesday, May 3rd]