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Newest Member: PMSandvig

Just Found Out :
Polyamory and Cheating

Topic is Sleeping.

 PsiO (original poster new member #83224) posted at 1:32 PM on Thursday, September 7th, 2023


Absolutely, the pain would have continued. She wasn't done months ago with her change, which a direction I wasn't happy to go in. We're both better off now being separated. And thank you for opening the thread back up for me.


I'm sorry for what you went through as well :( It hurts when you both feel like your long-term plans are aligned, and then suddenly half the tires want to go in a separate direction lol And you're exactly right about that!! A relationship with one person is tough enough, and each person added to it grows the complexity and margin for excessive stress and miscommunication exponentially. I can say that at least in my situation, my ex truly does want to have a fulfilling relationship with one person and then branch out to others. I hope that you're treating yourself well! I finally feel that I'm ready to wholly move on to striking my own path forward, free of past influences.


Thank you, everyone here has put in the time and effort into trying to help, and it's very appreciated :)


Polyamory is real, and my ex is polyamorous, as are a few of my friends. But as you said, my ex also committed adultery, and these two combined led to destroying the marriage. Don't use a broad brush to paint everyone with the same stroke - the two are separate things and deserve their own discussion.


Thank you for sharing your insight and experience. I absolutely agree with everything you wrote. She and I had talked about how to navigate the situation, talked with a therapist, revisited the topic, etc. She had told me a few times she never wanted to D (having a "nesting partner" while being polyamorous is her goal), but I wanted it for the reasons you stated - both because she cheated, and because I wanted the comfort and fulfillment I feel with a monogamous partner. I hope others read your comment, because you have exactly the right idea.


Yes, the "poly is superior" attitude is more prevalent on social media platforms, often with cherry-picked quotes and citations from controversial figures. Thank you for emphasizing that being poly is an option, and it's not for everyone, and it also requires the same ethics as any other relationship.


Much better now, thank you :)

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2023   ·   location: Midwestern U.S.
id 8806794

PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 4:24 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Polyamory by definition cannot involve cheating. The definition is multiple ETHICAL romantic relationships (which may or may not include sex, as asexual people can be poly as well). Cheating is a violation of relationship agreements, so poly people can definitely cheat; but then it's cheating and not polyamory.

Sorry I wasn't around in April to chime in- life's been busy!

OP, I'm glad you found your path out of this mess. Your wife wanting to live a poly life doesn't excuse her cheating or her lack of taking responsibility. And I will say categorically that open and poly relationships don't work unless everyone involved is fully on board and genuinely wants this type of relationship as opposed to just agreeing to make their partner happy or talking themselves into it.

A relationship with one person is tough enough, and each person added to it grows the complexity and margin for excessive stress and miscommunication exponentially.

This is true. Think about how bad your average person is at relationship skills, honestly. And now you expect them to be able to manage TWO or more well? Of course the failure rate is higher. But in my opinion not because the relationship style is problematic but simply because people need to be honest and self aware, willing to own their shit and work on their issues, and communicate well.

Most relationships of any type don't last a lifetime. Even some of those? People would leave if they felt they were able to. So I don't think looking at relationship failure rate gives you a clear picture of ethical nonmonogamy or polyamory.

I hate the nonsense of polyamory being more enlightened as well. It's just another relationship model and it works for some people but not for others. That being said- I find it just as offensive when monogamous people slur polyamory by making rude comments about that relationship style just because it's not for them- that's really no different. And there has been lots of that in this thread as well.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 5 years) & DBF (dating 4 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 917   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8807628

 PsiO (original poster new member #83224) posted at 12:04 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023


April or September, I'm glad you're here now ^_^ I appreciate your insight that everyone needs to be fully on board. I have a friend whose spouse is like 90% on board, and we occasionally talk about issues that come up, but they get through it for the most part. It really does need to have everyone as part of the solution, because otherwise resentment and/or inadequacy builds.

And I agree with you that it's not the relationship style per se that's problematic - with monogamy, you can get by being a little less interpersonally skilled; but with polyamory, you all need to be on your game to make it through, and that's just by its nature much less likely to be the case. You also talked about being able to leave a relationship, and that's also why poly relationships break up relatively more - it's easier to leave, and that's a good thing. People in bad or suboptimal relationships should be leaving if they can't work things out!

Thank you for your support!!

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2023   ·   location: Midwestern U.S.
id 8807894
Topic is Sleeping.
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