Polyamory and Cheating

Our background:

Last year, my wife (33) told me (35) that after a lot of soul-searching and talking with her therapist, she confessed to me that she feels like a polyamorous life is one she wants to live. We were married for 2 years at that point, and had been dating for thrice as long before that. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that, but went through hell working on my insecurities to set healthy boundaries. I got my own therapist for the first time in my life, and we also went to couple's therapy for a while. We had always had a solid foundation of trust, and our communication leveled up from good to great due to therapy. By the end of it, we had put polyamory on pause to work on ourselves (and the person she was interested in left the area, which made it easier for her), but agreed that flirting is fine. I was comfortable and happy with that; I don't see any harm in flirting that doesn't lead to more serious entanglement. She had also told me that she rarely felt a spark with anyone, so I figured it'd be a rare occurrence anyhow.

Recently:

She got a work contract out of state, and I stayed home to continue working and take care of our pets. Polyamory came back up, and it was a challenge but a little easier to check my boundaries again due to the distance. I said she could go on dates, but there would be no physical touching aside from a hug. When we talked last year, she told me that her interest in polyamory is to develop a romantic bond with someone, but being physical wasn't what she was after. She wasn't happy with the boundary, but agreed to it, and recognized my growth in getting to this point. The guy she was interested in turned her down for a date, and another guy she liked said he was only interested in sex, so she turned him down. I told her that any dates she wanted to go on needed to be run by me first, and she agreed. After her contract ended, she explored the countryside a bit (we both enjoy traveling) before coming home.

The cheating:

During that time she met a guy and they really hit it off. She didn't tell me she met this guy, and she invited him back to her place. She said she was afraid I'd tell her no if she asked me if it was okay to hang out with him at the place she was staying at, so she of course didn't tell me that either.

Two days ago, we had a long talk about this breach of trust. She told me that she invited him over and they just watched a movie and played some games. I went to bed feeling hurt because she had broken my trust, and woke up early feeling angry over it. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I went into work early.

It kept eating away at me, so I told her I wanted to talk with her when I got home for my lunch break. I told her I wanted to see her text conversations with him so I could verify she hadn't broken any other boundaries. That's when she confessed that she cheated on me. She also lied to him, saying I was okay with her having sex (she did tell him she was married and polyamorous), so he's pissed at her, too. She doesn't know if she values pursuing her polyamorous fantasy lifestyle or our marriage, and I don't know if I can forgive her for breaking my trust. Everything we built was based off our foundation of trust, which had never faltered before this point.

The aftermath:

I talked with a mutual friend that she confided in, and was told that she confessed that she cheated on me and was afraid to tell me. So I don't know if she would have confessed if I hadn't confronted her about it. I've talked with other friends as well who've given me good advice. My wife and I looked into mediators, and last night she brought up couple's therapy. I feel like going to therapy will be good, even if it ultimately leads to divorce. I understand her motivations for what she did, but the selfish and harmful actions she took don't make them excusable. I just feel like an idiot for going through hell to accommodate her when she's thrown it away. We watched some TV after work and I would just get an intrusive thought and feel nauseous, then leave to cry until I felt numb again. I told her that more than anything I was disappointed in her, and with how much she prides herself on being better than most other people, that now she's a disgusting cheater. I do feel that she's sorry for hurting me, and not just sorry for getting caught. But I don't know if this bridge can be repaired, or if I have to burn it and move on. Neither of us own a home or have kids, so separation would likely be quick. I just wish she was the person we both thought she was.

Update 1: We're taking a week to ride out this rollercoaster of emotions. We've talked with lawyers and mediators for advice, and are going to IC to get a better idea of where we stand.

Update 2: She's hurt me even more than I knew. I've closed the door to R and will be starting the D process next week.

Update 3: I'm now separated and D is finished. The bridge isn't burned, but it'll stay collapsed. Thank you everyone who helped me along this bumpy journey.

82 comments posted: Friday, April 28th, 2023