Boy, time flies doesn't it. This was the day he finally broke, finally admitted to what I had intuitively known for a long time and had been confronting him about for 3 months wanting an admission. None came. He'd sit in silence as I peppered him with things I was finding, absolutely stone cold.
It took figuring out her identity to crack him. It was more like he went into protection mode, protecting her it seemed more than him. After months of high emotions, lack of sleep, barely eating, and anxiety through the roof his admission was met with, crazy as this sounds I know, relief. Relief that he finally admitted it. Relief that I had him backed into a corner he couldn't get out of. Relief that I insanely felt he had genuine remorse and the LTA was finally over. I basically collapsed in his arms as he shed crocodile tears that I thought were genuine. Foolish woman that I was.
The moment he saw I wasn't throwing him out on his ass his whole demeanor changed. He actually expected me to be ok within hours, even asking why I was crying.
Looking back I could slap myself for my stupidity. For ever having loved him. For deciding way too fast to give him another chance. The only good thing to come out of our marriage is our son. My friends and especially my daughter were hoping I'd divorce him. With 20/20 hindsight I must admit they were right but a thing called finances kept me from doing that. He was, is and always will be an asshole.
I've gotten things I've wanted these past 7 years, his attempt at some sort of reparations I suppose. Our marriage is non existent though, roommates have closer relationships than we do. Not my fault, I tried when it should have been squarely on HIS shoulders to try. My conscience is clear and at this point I simply don't GAF, I am all out of F***s to give.
Did it really end then? Did they take it underground? Did they stop and resume contact? I don't know and have no energy or love for him to even attempt to find out. Judging by his attitude I believe once he realized I wasn't showing him the door he more than likely would've been willing to continue, she on the other hand seemed to freak out once I had her name and backed off. Poor little WH his happy little bubble was burst by me.
It sucks, it totally destroyed my belief in romantic love. My love interest is now myself and I am giving the time, effort and attention to me. He was too dumb and arrogant to see the person who truly loved him was his wife. His social life plummeted, he retired, and his family has nothing to do with him not that they're anything special themselves. Their contact ended years before the LTA and had nothing to do with them finding anything out. The asshole didn't fall far from the tree.
So here I am still healing, still learning, still growing but I am better and truer to myself. The anger will always be there, I can't see anything ever eradicating that. I just know the me that exists now should always have been there because I feel things would've played out differently and I wish I had the knowledge about narcissists that I do now. I would have been able to understand what was being done to me from gaslighting on, and known what I was really dealing with.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Thanks for letting me reflect and vent.
