smitty82 (original poster new member #80920) posted at 9:29 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023
Hello lovely people,
Today marks one year since my WH asked he if we could have a talk and, having told me that he had been having an affair for 5 months, made my faith in him, marriage, trust and some of the bedrocks of my life crumble away.
Honestly, I have no idea where I would have thought I would be if you had asked me twelve months ago. There are a lot of things that I feel amazing about because of what I now know I can cope with and the lengths that I will go to for my children. I made the decision to tell no one as I didn't want any disruption for my children, especially my oldest son who was about to take his exams. A year on and I have told, in total, 4 people. My good friend that I see every day at school has been a great help. Just to have someone asking if I'm OK and knowing what is going on in my head. I told my boss (who has known me for 20+ years) as I knew full well that there would be days that I was going to be a mess at my desk. About 9 months in, I told my oldest friend. This was tricky as I knew that she would potentially think that I was crazy for not kicking him out. I know that this is part of the reason that I kept it all secret. I feel ashamed for not being the kick-ass super strong female that threw his arse out the door and got a divorce and I maybe didn't want this realised by other people telling me so. Lastly, about two weeks ago I told another friend that I see every week at my daughter's club. She was absolutely shocked and stunned as she said that we give the impression of 'Loves young dream'........I must be a very accomplished actress, nominate me for an Oscar!
Anyway, I maybe thought that I would feel more like I have done exactly the right thing a year on but the truth is that I have no idea. Who knows what will happen in the months and years to come. What I do know is that I will do whatever it takes for my kids. Before this all happened WH was always the priority and we all made sure that he was happy. Now, if he is happy, good for him but this isn't top of my list to achieve. Top of my list are my four kids and MYSELF. I can't control what he decides to do. He has done all that has been asked of him in these last twelve months but I will never feel the adoration that I felt before and I will never feel assured that we are going to last forever.
I guess this is our reconciliation. There will not be soft-focus, tweeting birds and red roses. I have lost my rose-tinted glasses but gained a suit of armour. He has seen the trauma that he caused and tells me that he will never forget this. This betrayal fog hangs around for a long time folks but we are all more than we thought we could be just by carrying on day to day.
Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 2:29 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023
I must be a very accomplished actress, nominate me for an Oscar!
OK, sure, but don't get your hopes up as the Oscar goes to... me! I haven't told anyone. I just didn't see any benefit in doing so. I learned that telling others around me about my struggles doesn't do much for me.
I feel ashamed for not being the kick-ass super strong female that threw his arse out the door and got a divorce
I see you as a kick-ass super strong female for staying. There are no easy options after a betrayal. It takes a lot of courage to leave, but it takes the same to stay. Don't be hard on yourself, you did the best that you could considering the circumstances. And the way you speak about your children tells me you're a true lioness!
I'm sorry I don't have anything smarter to say. Just want you to know I hear you, and you're not alone. DDay antiversaries suck big time, mine is in March as well. Let's look forward to April together! (((hugs)))
Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."
smitty82 (original poster new member #80920) posted at 9:40 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023
Thank you Hannah47.
You are so strong and kind and I am sending huge hugs to you too.
SacredSoulSister ( member #83038) posted at 6:11 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023
I see you as a kick-ass super strong female for staying.
I do, too. And I think you're on the right track for healthy R.
Dandylion ( new member #81112) posted at 9:24 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023
I, too, stayed in this marriage to protect our daughters. The devastation that would have been done unto them would have been worse than what I went ( and still ) go through. To them, their father was the rock and problem solver. Seeing the way we still do things as a family makes me glad I alone carry this burden of knowing about his EA of 2 1/2 years through dating sites. My WH has done the work for R but like you, he is off my pedestal. He has been working to earn back trust, but I’m not giving him 100% of it since he learned to lie so well during his cheating. My marriage feels the new normal… he is no longer first on my list. I am at the top of my list now. Don’t keep his secret for him. It’s perfectly your right to tell people so you can have a shoulder to lean on. The first person I told was my sister- in-law who can keep things to herself. I thought at the time I was going to die of a broken heart, and I didn’t want his family to think he was the saint that he really was before he was sexting his sugar babies. Lastly, you are stronger than you think, carrying on for your kids in the way you are protecting them. I got through it. Correction, I am going through it daily. Sadly, the mind movies of the sexting I saw are on my mind daily, but after I give it its time in my brain, I then put my attention on my work and life. Good luck to you. It does get better.
Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
Not diminishing the difficulty of divorce, but I think if you do stay....and make a realistic success of it....you are nothing short of badass. Rose colored glasses begone.
EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.