SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a long time since my Dday, actually, 17 years ago next month. I’ve read so many books and so much here on SI and the internet in general over all those years. I think I’ve finally gotten it into my head what I did badly, and how I would handle a second Dday.

I’ve relived it a million times and identified all the inflection points where I zigged left and I should have zagged right. I think I will recognize that type of moment again, in fact I’ve been triggered a lot recently by what could morph into another A for my husband, and that’s why I’m writing.

A few months ago he hired a new secretary, who thinks he’s the best boss ever, per her Christmas card. I dropped by his office last week and actually met her, and my spidey sense was a flat line. (With AP, even from a 2,000 mile distance it was spiking…) I’m quite confident that there’s nothing there now.

Tomorrow, a new woman he’s hired as his #2 starts in the office. You can be sure I’ll give it a month or two, but definitely will stop by the office again and get the vibe. She’s about the age AP was during their A, married with at least 1 child, for what that’s worth.

But here’s the thing: I’ve spent probably YEARS obsessively thinking about the A and all the repercussions. I now have the forethought of a potential situation (if not this woman, there could always be another), and the knowledge of how to deal with it, and more self esteem and confidence than I did years ago to do what I’d have to do and move onward by myself. So, why can’t I give up the hyper vigilance and live fully and vulnerably in our current marriage – which is pretty darned good and enjoyable -- with all that tucked in my back pocket just in case, in reserve, knowing I’ve got the tools if needed? How can I give myself the leeway to live splayed wide open and not holding back in this relationship, knowing that there’s always a risk of devastating pain.

Thanks for reading. I would love insights from anyone who has dealt with this.

I don’t know that I have any great insight.

For me, my hyper-vigilance vanished once I truly let go of the outcome — that should my wife stumble and fail — I would be fine solo. If you are stronger now, then maybe you’re ready to let go of the outcome.

I know some of us never make it back to "fully and vulnerable". But if I couldn’t get back to vulnerable and all in, then I would be done. The only way I can stay is to be in a relationship I am comfortable with.

It sounds like maybe he didn’t do the work on his boundaries or making you feel safe?

If you feel you have to check on him, it doesn’t seem like he earned enough trust back.

It is a two front war. We have to be strong enough to handle any adversity and be brave enough to make the leap of faith (fully and vulnerable) in order to have the kind of relationship we all want.

Or, if you just can’t get the M to where you want, you may already be done, which is very normal.

Hi and welcome back under pretty good circumstances (for this board) as it sounds like you are not mired in red flags and nothing has happened to give you concern - at least nothing insanely worrying. I so I think what you are getting as more a question for you along the lines of :"why can’t Ido the proverbial "letting go" of the worrying about another A and enjoy this life?" Is that where you’re coming from? Or are you asking why you can’t fully trust him still after all this time? To me it sounds like your question stems from the former but if I’m off base please feel free to correct.

But If that is the case, while I’m not nearly as many years out as you (I’m closer to 6 years out than 17) I think there are a few things you might want to consider as they are things I definitely did not initially but have since.

First, did you feel satisfied with what your husband did post discovery? And by satisfied I mean did you feel he helped in your recovery? If so, how do? If not, why not? As I’m sure you’ve read over and over, that process, seems to be the biggest factor in recovery and trust - and I would say not just trusting your wh but trusting yourself to trust him. I’d be interested to hear how that process went for you. Oddly until I left my WHs involvement in my recovery was very superficial and I felt much like you - hyoerviligant, tense, not able to fully enjoy things. Once I left and he went into therapy his participation was much different. As a result we still date and I enjoy talking with him even about the serious old stuff. But oddly I don’t feel the need to anymore. He feels different to me. I would feel 100% comfortable in telling him I felt hyoerviligant and that I was checking up on his choice of coworker and he would be concerned and want to help me figure it out. The old wh would have gotten mad, told me to get over it, I could never trust him, etc…so IMO there is no overlooking that process and his part in it.

Second, this A could have been a deal breaker for you and this is as comfortable as you are able to get with this person. I’m sure you’ve also explored this with yourself. Numerous times I wondered why the A was not an automatic deal breaker for me - like something was wrong with me there is no right or wrong way to be. But letting yourself truly think about this possibility might not be a bad idea. One thing you said made me think this was a possibility : that you have a pretty darn good marriage but you will remain hyoerviligant. I can’t imagine those two things going together in m version of a good marriage.

Third, while it sounds like you trust yourself to handle things if they go south it sounds line you don’t trust yourself (or think you can’t) to move forward?

Other thoughts: have you sought out IC? I can’t tell you how helpful IC was to separating myself from my WH. I think when I realized I didn’t trust my judgment and worked on that, the rest became a lot clearer.

And my apologies in advance…I wrote that on my phone in stages so to the extent it makes no sense I’m all for clarifying.