I've read your posts from the very beginning. I've seen what good progress you have made. I don't think any of us BS expect perfection, we simply want to see a commitment to improve. If you stumble and fall, we want to see you get up and keep pushing forward.
I know I've said similar things to you, however I'm glad to see others stating that they've seen the progress in you. When your BS's voice gets stuck in your head, it can be hard to hear the good stuff, so I want to make sure you hear it.
You are asking the right questions Bulcy. You are having the right doubts. If nothing else, I want you to know that the question of whether or not your BS's life would improve without you, while knowing that it is not what you want at all, is an unselfish and empathetic-leaning question. It is not something you asked yourself during your affair(s) because you were only worried about yourself then. You've gained a LOT of skill in being able to recognize your own thoughts and feelings and I've seen you catch yourself, or call yourself out on your own thinking, many times. I know you also brought this up with your wife, and did so despite the fact and the fear that such a conversation could have ended badly for you. It's just my opinion, but I see a lot of progress from you Bulcy, and no matter how this turns out, you are different person today than the day you first posted here, and if you continue with the dedication that you've shown so far, I know you will continue to change and grow, for the better.
I agree with others that ending a relationship should, when possible, be a joint decision. If you brought it up and your BS didn't think she was at that point yet, then there you go. If she couldn't take it anymore, she would have asked you to leave. So if you can, hang in there. Despite the things she says, her actions also speak volumes.
One last thing. You know this but I'll remind you. We all heal at our own pace and in our own way. You are working hard on your recovery, but your wife may still be working through her pain and might not be ready to move forward with anything else right now. I know she has some strong feelings about your truthfulness, and those fears are keeping her walls up real high for now. It might take a while for those to come down. Each time you get angry or defensive, the walls get raised a little higher.
I think your biggest challenge right now is that last part... you have to find a way to stop getting so triggered, or rather, changing how you respond to those triggers. Have you ever seen those monks that train themselves to ignore pain by having someone beat them with a stick daily until they master overcoming the pain? It's a little like that. When triggers come up, they signal trauma, pain, anger. But triggers live in the past. The pain and anger you feel from a trigger, is also in the past. It no longer exists. You are still suffering from something that no longer exists. In other words, you have become your own abuser by hanging onto the trigger. In order to stop the triggers, and thus stop the self-abuse as well, you need to learn to put the triggers (and moreover, what caused the trigger in the first place) into context. "That was something that happened to me years ago. It's not happening now, and I don't have to get bent out of shape over it. It may hurt but I'll survive, and the hurt will subside in time. Today, I choose to simply acknowledge the trigger, and then tell it to go jump in a lake, because I'm going to respond differently from now on". Sounds corny and overly-simplistic I know, but it works it you try. It's reprogramming 101.
Keep coming back Bulcy, we've here for you.