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Newest Member: Groholl

Divorce/Separation :
This Time I choose me

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Lolati11 (original poster member #34915) posted at 9:17 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Wow , it has been so long since I last logged in here . I truly believed and had an amazing 12 years since WH first cheated . Through ups and down I believed we moved on . But here I am back sad . So we moved from the original city where he first cheated . Our lives went on nicely until recently I noticed the change . At first I gaslighted myself …yes I did .But the signs came I went to use his computer and voila he sent flowers on Valentine’s Day to his coworker the card read : happy Valentine’s Day !!! . The same coworker who broke her foot and he had been giving her rides since December, something I was aware of and supported , stupid me thinking she is a single mom of 5 blah blah blah . Now I did notice she deleted me off FB and I didn’t think much of it . Last weekend we went to check on the in laws, this was after I saw he sent her a $175 bouquet , so while he went into the gas station I looked through his phone . The only reason I was able to look at the phone he had the map app open . I saw text messages, while nothing romantic , as I didn’t scroll much I did notice that he texts her while he is home with me . He sent her a pic of his thorn slippers, call me crazy but I felt like that’s too personal . The flowers though hit me hard . Come on on valentines ?
So what’s my plan ? I don’t have one . He knows something is up , because I wear my emotions on my sleeves . What I am sure of , is that if he is truly cheating , i don’t want details , I don’t want to know the why or when or how . I am out this is where it ends. Fool me once not twice look
Any advice would be appreciated I

Me:36Him: 53OW: a monster that I called friend before D-Day:June 20,2011
D-Day #2 February 2023
Me: 42 Him: 59 OW : 49 6kids and 3 baby dads
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

posts: 161   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2012
id 8779505
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:18 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

So sorry you're here again. When my XWH crossed my boundary of no inappropriate contact with another person, I told him I was done and we were D. We did IHS for a few months until I could get a place. During that time, we divided the debt.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3117   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8779528
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 11:27 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

keep choosing you.
Get your ducks in a row. You don’t have to say anything to him.
See a lawyer or three, gather up financials, think about how you support yourself.

how old are your kids? Do you have an income?
And start the simplified 180- start detaching.

I’m sorry you to find us again, but if you are done, then you are done. And you will be okay.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5817   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8779530
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:50 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

If you're committed to divorcing him, then play it cool until after you've seen a lawyer and know what your options are.

Once you have your plan of action in place, then tell him that you know he's cheating again and that you're filing for divorce. Don't tell him what you know or how you know it; just say that there's no point in him trying to lie or talk his way out of it. You know everything and you're not putting yourself through hell again.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1792   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8779532
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 Lolati11 (original poster member #34915) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Thank you all . The hardest part is me not letting on that’s something is going on . I got home from work today and the first thing WH said was : what’s wrong ? Your distant my answer was nothing am fine . But his alert is up . My car wiper broke and we are supposed to get some rain . He immediately suggested we ride together. Mind you he knows I don’t like driving in the rain and usually his response is it’s not so bad you can drive yourself . I immediately told him aren’t you driving your coworker ?. He stated : oh that’s over with !! He gave her a ride up until last Friday . I didn’t ask any questions either . Went in to change and shower . I know I am not imagining things , and I trust my gut feeling . I just need to do a better job at not showing my emotions .
I know that this time arround I have no energy nor do I want to blow up
Thank you

Me:36Him: 53OW: a monster that I called friend before D-Day:June 20,2011
D-Day #2 February 2023
Me: 42 Him: 59 OW : 49 6kids and 3 baby dads
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

posts: 161   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2012
id 8779540
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:13 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Keep him in the dark while you get your exit strategy together.

See an attorney. Get good advice. Know how D works in your state.

And when the time comes you can just mention this: "hey saw that you sent the OW flowers for VDay. I guess you know what that means" and just leave the room.

He’s in the doghouse and he’s trying to nice his way out of it.

He knows he’s lied and cheated. But he will not be honest about it. He has shown such disrespect towards you.

I’m sorry 😢 for you. It he’s shown you he’s not going to stop being a cheater.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13791   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8779545
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 6:23 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Yup, he definitely knows something's up if he's deviating from his usual responses and doing these nice things with you he normally wouldn't. Keep your guard up and subtly get your ducks in a row after seeking legal advice.

As for the building emotions, you can let them out here. Hang in there.

posts: 543   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8779557
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 Lolati11 (original poster member #34915) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

[This message edited by Lolati11 at 4:38 PM, Wednesday, March 1st]

Me:36Him: 53OW: a monster that I called friend before D-Day:June 20,2011
D-Day #2 February 2023
Me: 42 Him: 59 OW : 49 6kids and 3 baby dads
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

posts: 161   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2012
id 8779690
Topic is Sleeping.
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