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Newest Member: Floralfog

Divorce/Separation :
Where do I start?

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 Kevinm12 (original poster new member #82849) posted at 1:36 AM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

So I’m ready to start a separation with my WW. I have two questions I’m hoping my fellow members can help me with.

The first, financially we are stuck doing an "in house" separation. I am going to sleep in our spare room. 180 method and gray rock. Unless it’s about the kids or something like the furnace shitting the bed I plan to be civil but that’s it. No affection, no intimacy, no I love yous. Our situation is difficult because she is a SAHM so I can’t just kick her out as I don’t really have a plan b for my kids yet and she might not go even if I could and I tried.Any advice on how to deal with this until we most likely divorce? I’m thinking 3-6 months max with a plan to see a lawyer Wednesday.

My second question is just advice on the conversation. This is the result of two basically back to back DDays about a week or so apart from each other that I posted about here. Do I say anything besides laying it out to her that I know everything and this is the result? Do I offer her a way to fix things and let her twist for awhile while I do the 180 method? I am desperately trying to break what I think is a co-dependency on her because me and my children deserve better.

Thank you all for being so supportive and helpful. I feel like I’m asking a lot from this community. Everything has been so hard lately and I feel so damn lost. I sit here and look at her and all I see is a stranger. I just don’t see anyway we avoid a divorce at this point. She could clone her phone, put kid controls on it and allow me to track her 24/7 and I still would think she would find a way around it to keep cheating at this point.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8778462
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 2:32 AM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

You need to talk to a laywer asap.

Ask them what your options are.

If your MIL and SIL are helpful ask them to let her stay with them at least a few nights.

But talk to a lawyer first.

They are with you in the real world.

Did she end up going out the night you said you were going to confront her?

posts: 115   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8778464
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:41 AM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

I was in a MC session when XWH confessed his second attempt at an A, which was him sexually assaulting somebody. He knew it would be the end of M because I had told him so. I said I was done.

Go see a lawyer. If you see the lawyer, she can't see them because it's a conflict of interest.

IHS sucks. Pretend like your STBXWW is a really bad roommate. ND with her is going to be hard, but do your best. My XWH thought he still had a chance because I didn't stop communicating like I should have.

Hang in there, it does get better.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1919   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8778477
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 Kevinm12 (original poster new member #82849) posted at 9:08 AM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

She didn’t because we went out to dinner that night last minute with my MIL and then my oldest basically made me sleep with her all night cause I think she knows something is up so I couldn’t confront her.

Also, i don’t know if it makes a difference but there is no legal separation in my state. Do you guys think I should wait to confront her until after I see a lawyer? It is literally killing me inside to look at her every day while she pretends to be the loving, doting wife while she’s still doing this shit behind my back.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8778483
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

I know it's hard being around her during this period, but you need to play the long game. I had it out with my WW as she was forced to confess under the threat of being outed, so I was never put in your situation. I can't imagine it. It might help looking at this as a sort of challenge, like a cop working undercover. You have a task and a finite time to do it in. It is not your Perminant reality. Once you are done, you can shed the role you are playing and move on.

I just started reading Seneca: Letters to a Stoic. I'm only a about 20 pages in, but I am finding it interesting, not being emotionally chained to things we value. I think the was a problem in my M. I had such a shitty childhood that I put all my chips on my W and kids. I was determined to do it right and redeem myself. So when Dday came,it was a sort of psychic death and I had to claw my way back.

The situation you are in is temporary unless you choose to make it Perminant. YOU are on control. YOU decide what happens now, what happens next, and what happens when. Create a safe space for you at home if you can and then choose some safe places outside of the home. I went of a search for the best pub-chair in town, so I could have a quiet place to sit and read. Found it eventually and 5 years out, I still go there.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8778494
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:05 PM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

Meet with your lawyer first and formulate your plan of action before you confront her. You don’t want to agree to anything with her before you can make an informed decision.

I don’t think you should say anything except you know she’s still cheating, you know she’s still lying, and as a result, you are filing for divorce. Don’t tell her your source of how you know. If she objects and tries to say she isn’t lying, tell her that it is pointless to continue lying and that if in-house separation doesn’t work for her, she’s welcome to "pack a bag and stay with [OM’s name]."

While many WSs will experience a wake-up call when presented with the imminent threat of divorce, I wouldn’t offer her a path to reconciliation, even if it’s something you would still be willing to consider. If she thinks your threat is empty, she will make many promises and then essentially dare you to call her bluff. On the other hand, if she sees that you are willing to move full-speed ahead, she will move Heaven and Earth— on her own volition— to win you back.

But quite honestly, I don’t see how you can remain married or why you want to after your last DDay. In the same breath as she apologized for the pain she caused you (and she KNOWS she had made you suffer horribly) she was making plans to meet up with OM and talking about her fantastic blowjobs. That’s straight-up psychopathy. I think once you rid yourself of this woman, you’ll be amazed by how much bullshit you tolerated from her, even without the infidelity.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1270   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8778711
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