Where do I start?
So I’m ready to start a separation with my WW. I have two questions I’m hoping my fellow members can help me with.
The first, financially we are stuck doing an "in house" separation. I am going to sleep in our spare room. 180 method and gray rock. Unless it’s about the kids or something like the furnace shitting the bed I plan to be civil but that’s it. No affection, no intimacy, no I love yous. Our situation is difficult because she is a SAHM so I can’t just kick her out as I don’t really have a plan b for my kids yet and she might not go even if I could and I tried.Any advice on how to deal with this until we most likely divorce? I’m thinking 3-6 months max with a plan to see a lawyer Wednesday.
My second question is just advice on the conversation. This is the result of two basically back to back DDays about a week or so apart from each other that I posted about here. Do I say anything besides laying it out to her that I know everything and this is the result? Do I offer her a way to fix things and let her twist for awhile while I do the 180 method? I am desperately trying to break what I think is a co-dependency on her because me and my children deserve better.
Thank you all for being so supportive and helpful. I feel like I’m asking a lot from this community. Everything has been so hard lately and I feel so damn lost. I sit here and look at her and all I see is a stranger. I just don’t see anyway we avoid a divorce at this point. She could clone her phone, put kid controls on it and allow me to track her 24/7 and I still would think she would find a way around it to keep cheating at this point.
5 comments posted: Sunday, February 19th, 2023
She keeps finding ways to hurt me
Some of you might remember my first post. We haven’t actually had a talk about DDay 3 yet and doing a separation because both of my kids have been super sick and restless and without anyone to watch them I didn’t want to risk exposing them to this situation. Of course that didn’t stop her.
So tonight as I’m done putting the kids to bed I decide to check my wife’s messenger as that’s something I obsess over and where most of my evidence is from. The meet up guy from DDay 2 messaged her. Hasn’t been heard from in like a month. She actually gets aggressive with him and makes a crude joke about stripping last night (Valentine’s). He tells her to come fuck him in her stripper heels. Then he starts with the meet me shit. They go back and forth and my wife makes a comment about they should meet up to bang and then she won’t hear from him for a week. She also makes a comment to him about he knows she gives impeccable blow jobs. She then tells him she can meet him tomorrow night conveniently around the time I put my kids to bed. He doesn’t answer but that doesn’t mean anything cause either way the damage is done. I’ve decided I’m going to wait and see what happens tomorrow and if she makes up some story about needing to go somewhere when I put the kids to bed like Target so she can meet him before I do anything.
I am so mentally, physically and emotionally tired of this. I’m reaching the point where I’m going to risk talking to her after the kids are asleep cause I can’t keep putting this off. It’s killing me to watch her pretend she loves me while she keeps doing these horrible things behind my back.
She even had the audacity to give me a card on Valentine’s Day telling me how sorry she is for everything she’s done and that she only wants to be with me and I’m her soulmate. What a crock of bullshit.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for at this point. Do I even bother trying to gather more evidence? I feel like I have enough at this point. I have hundreds of screens and several videos. I’m in a state where adultery doesn’t impact visitation or alimony. I need to schedule another divorce consultation as mine got cancelled the other day. I need to implement the 180 method for my own sanity.
13 comments posted: Thursday, February 16th, 2023
Looking for help and advice so I don’t let ny heart overrule my brain
So I was resolute with a nice shiny spine up until this morning. I woke up with this awful pain in my stomach which I know is because of this and my heart is trying to convince my brain that I’m making a mistake with the separation (I’m not leaving the house) and 180. I know I’m not but damn is it frustrating that my heart and my head are at war with each other right now.
I guess I’m just seeking reassurance and more advice on how to handle this conversation with my wife. It is quite literally the hardest, most painful and difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I still don’t understand how we got to this point. I realize I will never understand what made her decide multiple affairs along with the flirting and borderline shit with other guys was okay for her to do while she was married. Her excuse of saying she felt unloved and our marriage was in a bad place is just super weak when she never tried to fix anything with me. I can’t continue to be a doormat while she does whatever she wants.
I’m not asking for a script or anything. I don’t even know if it’s about how to address it. I think I’m just getting in my own way cause I’m scared about the future. I want what’s best for me and my children and this version of my wife isn’t it but I don’t know if any version is. And she is confusing the fuck lot of me with her behavior. She has been all over me since the day she unblocked her AP outside of having sex with me. She’s always affectionate but it’s like more than usual. I just don’t get it except she’s been drinking every day and thinks I don’t know she has.
I guess this is half venting, half seeking advice and support thread.
14 comments posted: Monday, February 13th, 2023
Coming up to a DDay #3
This is going to be a long post and I apologize. First, thank you for accepting me here. I had a few folks over at the Reddit AOAI subreddit direct me here for more help. We’ve been together 15 years, married 7 and have two kids and she’s a SAHM. I’ll start with DDay 1 and go from there.
DDay 1. December 1st of last year starts rather coincidentally. My wife was letting me look at something on her phone and a messenger message popped up from some guy asking her to come cuddle with him and hang out for a little while. I asked what was that and when I go into her messages there is another message from him asking her to come rub his back. Before I can see more, she snatches her phone from me, runs in the bathroom and deleted everything. I blew up and left the house for two hours. She sent me some bullshit screenshot from this guy telling her it was just a joke like I was going to believe she didn’t tell him to do that (the ironic thing here is this guy ended up being the only thing that was mostly the truth. She lied about hanging out with him but I had her messenger password and I saw messages afterwards where he basically said it would never happen and she always blows him off. She had hung out with him before though and lied about that).
So I end up logging into her messenger constantly and see a lot of borderline stuff with yet another guy. Stuff like he says "Meet me" she says "When" he says "Now" she lols and calls him an idiot. (I pretended I saw her messaging him) She says it’s just joking and they don’t mean it and when I express to her how inappropriate it is for a married woman to be talking with another man like that even joking it’s crossing a major boundary she acts like it’s just friends joking again. I again stupidly let it go as my love blinders are still fully in place despite this. She starts deleting everything during all of this so I can only catch what I can in bits and pieces. They literally never have conversations behind "WYD" she answers something mundane like "Nothing just hanging with the kids" he says meet me and she almost always brushes him off.
Something was nagging in the back of my mind and I woke up in the middle of the night one day with this overpowering need to snoop on her phone. And I found everything. Snapchat conversation with her AP (another guy separate from the two already mentioned) about meeting up to have sex. Videos she had been sending over the course of just over a year that he had saved. It was awful. To say I was destroyed in that moment is an understatement. I record everything and then wake her up and confront her. Initially tries to deny it and I tell her I recorded everything and to stop lying. Does a great job expressing remorse and regret. She hated it the whole time, the actual sex only happened twice, she felt incredible guilt the entire time which is why she starting drinking so much. Couldn’t tell me why she didn’t stop if she felt so guilt though. She said she felt like unloved and like I hated her but always with her saying it doesn’t change what she did and she isn’t blaming me for what she did, just telling me how she justified it in her mind. Ultimately it took two weeks to sit down and talk about everything and get her to block him. Even then and now I don’t believe she told me everything.
DDay#2- So five weeks goes by and everything is relatively fine. A family member that was very close to my wife died right before Christmas and at the time I thought that brought us even closer together along with the hysterical bonding we were experiencing. There’s some more chatting with the meet me guy but he stops asking her to meet him. Mostly just WYD and response from her. We go to dinner with her family one night. Something tells me to check her messenger and there he is asking her when he can see her. They go back and forth a little bit and she ultimately says to him "How about tomorrow?". He says "Sure" she says "What time?" he never answers and sends some stupid emojis. This conversation and what occurs the next day with him still makes zero sense cause there was no way it was happening. She would have had to come up with some really elaborate lie to pull off meeting him cause we had stuff to do. The next day my SIL also asked me if she was drinking this night cause she reeked of alcohol.
The next day while I’m at work she goes off the rails. Starts texting him and another guy. She’s texting him about wanting to fuck him and meeting up with him that night while she’s having a full blown sexting session with the other guy. She also told the guy she was sexting she was in love with him and then he video calls her so he can masturbate while she watches.
Overall, both conversations slowly but steadily become unhinged which is a strong indication she’s wasted. I finally decide to involve family and I tell my SIL (my in laws are safe and 100% on my side on this). I tell her everything, show her the conversations as they’re occurring in real time and we decide we need to confront her together. I loop my MIL in as she needs to take my children. Get home and my wife is absolutely trashed. Like borderline incoherent. The audacity of her was her main focus on me breaking her trust by being on her messenger while trying to act like the only reason she did what she did was because she knew I was on her messenger and it just got out of hand. She swears to me she has never had sex with either guy but frankly I don’t believe her. The language she used with the guy she was talking about meeting up with in particular makes me think they have hooked up. The other guy has been an ongoing problem that I had foolishly thought went away awhile ago.
My wife commits to several asks I have of her after this. Full access to her phone when I want (this was actually established DDay 1), stop the lying, no more drinking, counseling within a month and block all of the guys. I should have told her she’s very lucky because I was told by several people to force her to kill all of her social media and location tracking or give her divorce papers and see how she reacts and if it can break the fog. Can you guys guess how many she followed through on since we are coming up to DDay 3?
As a side note, several folks and my SIL who has worked in mental health think my wife may have an undiagnosed cluster-b personality disorder, either BPD or bipolar based of her behavior and the also how she just went off the rails the deeper she got in the alcohol.
Upcoming DDay 3- As if this can’t get any worse. On the same day a couple days ago, I witness her do two things. She again doesn’t know I can access one of the apps she’s using for messaging. Changed her password to another I know.
So the first thing I see is she unblocks the AP on Facebook. I don’t know if she messaged him. I don’t know exactly when she did it. He also blocked me. Believe it or not that is the only reason I got suspicious. I was looking up another person and I was like "Oh be changed his profile picture" (I’ve also looked dozens of times before this so I can’t lie). Nope. Different guy, same name. He’s in can’t be found which means he blocked me.
Second thing I see is a fragmented conversation between my wife and the sexting guy talking about hiding her under a different name. I definitely missed some stuff cause I got one name but not if she had one for him as well. However they continue to talk on messenger so I’m not sure what the hell that’s about. My wife has also been trashed two days in a row she I got home from work.
So that’s where I am at. My dumb ass still loves this woman but this last one is leaning towards a bridge too far for me. I haven’t confronted her yet. I don’t even know where to begin but our kids have been sick so there hasn’t been a good time. I just don’t understand why she is trying so hard with me but still talking to these guys. Like do you want to stay together and fix the marriage or do you just want to have your cake and eat it to? I did read the article that it can take months to break through the fog. I will say I am not willing to stay just cause we have kids. I refuse to be miserable while she has boyfriends and does whatever she wants for the next 15 years of our lives to the kids are grown. No way. I guess what I’m really hoping for is for someone, anyone to tell me there is still even a sliver of hope here and to help with some guidance on what I should do about the new discoveries and confronting her.
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19 comments posted: Thursday, February 9th, 2023