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I am 10 yrs out from dday. Last night after dinner, gifts all that stuff fww shows me a pic of my highschool Basketball team and ask who is the guy in the middle? I tell her his name, she then ask "what is his older brothers name?"… his name is ——-. It just so happens he is the brother in law of her AP. Idk if she knew it or not, but I trigger HARD. I am thinking, she recognize his pic in AP’s mom’s house? All the mind movies possible are now running rampant. I found out about her affair 6 days before Valentines Day 10 years ago for some perspective, so I am trying hard not to be a turd.

She asked me to go to the bedroom, I went back there and calmly told her it was not going to happen and why. She cried and was upset. Sobbing type crying. I laid behind her in the bed and held her. Let her cry, told her i loved her, we have plans this weekend and we will have a good time but last night was not physically gonna happen.

This am, she does not speak to me, tell me goodbye, removed a facebook post she made about what I had given her. I did not cuss, fuss, belittle or anything. How else am I supposed to explain a reason I can not physically perform when my mind is reeling? I do not feel like I was wrong but how else can I explain yes it has been 10 years but it still triggers me?

I tell her his name, she then ask "what is his older brothers name?"… his name is ——-. It just so happens he is the brother in law of her AP.

Wow! What was she thinking--poking a stick into that bees nest? You are not wrong. That's on her.

And now, because you were honest about your very normal trigger, she seems to be punishing you by cold behavior and removing FB posts? What happened to empathy?

(You stayed with her and supported her while she cried. You could have gone to the livingroom and ignored it, but you didn't.)

So again, where is her empathy and support for you? It's time to have that talk with her.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 4:22 PM, Wednesday, February 15th]

This am, she does not speak to me, tell me goodbye, removed a facebook post she made about what I had given her. I did not cuss, fuss, belittle or anything. How else am I supposed to explain a reason I can not physically perform when my mind is reeling? I do not feel like I was wrong but how else can I explain yes it has been 10 years but it still triggers me?

I’m sorry how old is she, 12?

One thing that I will not tolerate after dday ever again is passive aggressive arguments. My WH was the king of passive agressive. Nope, sulking and not speaking is not going to happen anymore.

I mean WH can of course say "I’m sorry, I cannot speak about this right now as I need to process the information I just received" or something along those lines, I’m not unreasonable, I’m not forcing him to discuss when I say so, but not talking, sulking, as a form of showing me he’s pissed off I am not putting up with anymore.

I think that’s something you need to address, one thing that came out of all the IC and MC we did is that affairs happen when communication is lacking. Passive aggressive behaviour is exactly what lack of constructive communication looks like.

If she truly is hurt about your reaction she could actually say "husband, I am hurt by the way you have reacted last night and I would like us to further discuss why this has happened but I need a day or two to process it". Not remove social media posts like a 12 year old and not speak to you to punish you.

As to the way you reacted, I can totally see why that triggered you and I would react the same, no matter how far away we would be from dday. I don’t see how else you would communicate your feelings to your WS, what was she expecting you to do? Lie so that you don’t hurt her feelings?

Did she tell you where she got the picture from and why she asked it? It seems like a weird time to bring up a picture from your past unless it has been on her mind or something like that lately.

Idk if she knew it or not, but I trigger HARD. I am thinking, she recognize his pic in AP’s mom’s house? All the mind movies possible are now running rampant.

I think for a lot of WS's there's a fear that no matter what the BS says, they are never going to be allowed to move on from the infidelity. An incident like this would naturally exacerbate that fear, because underlying it is more than just remembrance. If you really believe that your WS is capable of playing some cruel kind of mind game with you after ten years in R, what does that say about your health as a couple?

I get it, believe me, I do. It's not like these triggers don't cross our minds years and decades later. I would surmise that most of us have them. When I do, I try to ask myself if I'm mindful of the present and not experiencing my remembered emotions from the past. Anyway, that's what helps me. YMMV.

This is not what R looks like, she has no empathy / remorse. You need to communicate with her that it’s unacceptable to blame you or punish you for triggers. This falls 100% on her.

Did she tell you where she got the picture from and why she asked it?

Someone had posted it on facebook with alot of other pictures. I do not think she knew or would have known or she would have avoided it. She obviously tries to rugsweep the affair and I guess even my triggers.

You were the one having a trigger as a result of her affair. You turned down sex, but still provided her with physical and emotional comfort during her crying fit... even though you were the one who was in pain at that moment.

She then proceeds to give you the silent treatment and lash out in passive aggressive ways like a petulant teenager.

Did it even occur to her that instead of acting like she was the victim in this case, she ought to have focused on your feelings and provided you with the comfort and reassurance that you really needed in that moment?

Your wife may no longer be cheating on you, but she's still an incredibly selfish, entitled, and cruel.

I definitely advise against tit-for-tat, but in this case, I think your wife needs to face some consequences for her behavior. If she's going to give you the silent treatment and spurn your kindness, then perhaps you ought to cancel whatever plans you made for the weekend and do something nice for yourself.

Did she tell you where she got the picture from and why she asked it?

Someone had posted it on facebook with alot of other pictures. I do not think she knew or would have known or she would have avoided it. She obviously tries to rugsweep the affair and I guess even my triggers.

I'm going to try and give a generous reading of the situation to her for a second. Only as a sort of devil's advocate situation, not defending her actions. What if she had a trigger for herself in that she had no worldly idea about the picture? She learned in real time about the situation and it sent her into a shame spiral, which a a WS wouldn't be a total shock. Again, not defending it or justifying it, but as we say around here, WS and BS both get hurt by infidelity and it brought up hurt in both of you. Also, for it to be 10 years out, something she thought was in her past just got brought back up in a very rude awakening type situation.

I agree that sometimes triggers are just that, triggers and you may need to keep yourself grounded into the present rather than go back there. I have no opinion on sharing all triggers or not, realistically I don’t share all my triggers although my WH senses when something isn’t right and checks in.

But given the circumstances, you shared as you were expected to have sex and it was impossible due to the trigger you experienced. Further more the trigger was inflicted by your wife, knowingly or unknowingly.

For me the red flag is her reaction. Not the fact that she’s upset you experienced a trigger, I totally see how some WSes fear they’ll never redeem themselves in their spouses eyes and they’ll be shamed for it all their lives. Personally I believe that if a WS truly does work on their understanding of the trauma and learn empathy, they are capable to take triggers for what they are and not turn it into an attack on themselves.

Regardless, even if your trigger made her angry and she thought you’re just searching for ways to make her feel bad, her reaction and the way she dealt with it is a massive red flag for so many reasons, for me the main one is the communication method (passive aggressive) which would make me feel completely unsafe. How long till she tells herself a narrative where you’ll never forgive her and she may as well go cheat again? If the communication channels were there, you would openly discuss it and clarify your points, understanding and respecting each other’s feelings.