SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay so I just had a conversation with my husband and I am reeling. I would like some feedback on whether or not I’m overreacting.

Basically, WH’s first infidelity was six years ago when he saw a sex worker in South Korea. He spent $1500 dollars on her. This fact is especially painful because for many years over our 28 year marriage he was super controlling with money. Like I remember waiting over a year to buy a $40 wall hanging. I remember being questioned about why I spent $7 on lunch. He would even stand over my shoulder and tell me I was using too much olive oil or coffee grounds. We had enough money but he was super controlling. Eventually, our incomes went up substantially and he worked on his control issues and relaxed A LOT, but the damage is still there. So … because of this history it was SO painful to find out the amount he spent (and he was super ashamed to tell me). Okay … fast forward to tonight.

As I mentioned in another forum, I have cPTSD so on DD (three months ago) I drove myself to the hospital and checked myself in. My sister committed suicide so with this in my family I just can’t be careless with my mental health. While I was there I kept hearing from multiple practitioners, "You did the right thing." I saw the bill today and it was $1000. I mentioned it to my husband and he exclaimed, "$1000!" Then he glared at me and said, "How long have you been sitting on this information?"

I was soooo upset and told him so. He gave kind of a weak apology and then we stopped talking because my 17 year old walked in. At that point my husband just picked up his guitar and started playing away while I am just gutted. He spent $1500 on a prostitute and hid it from me. Then when I found out, I needed a hospital stay BECAUSE of what he did with that $1500. My bill was LESS than that and he has the audacity to question it?

I am upstairs sleeping in a different room and I told him I need some space and I am extremely upset. He keeps saying I am right and he is sorry but he isn’t sure why I’m THIS upset. There is just something so abusive about this whole thing and a simple apology feels lame and like not enough. Thoughts?

BTW because I know some will want to check in about this: yes I’ve been STD tested, we are both in counseling, he is getting treatment for sex addiction, and he has been (for the most part) very remorseful and very supportive of me in my trauma. He gave me a very detailed timeline and also shared it with our MC. I am going to switch my IC to a person who specializes in betrayal trauma in spouses of sex addicts. He IS seeing a sex addiction specialist. He is taking sobriety very seriously, apologizes a lot, answers all my questions.

Thank all of you so much for your support and feedback.

Forestfinepine

I’m so sorry you’re here. My ex was also a sex addict. They lack empathy. It can be learned, but it, like recovery, takes a long long time. My therapist, who treats sex addiction as well as betrayal trauma, says it takes about 7 years till they stop thinking like addicts. And most addicts have narcissistic tendencies, if they aren’t full- blown narcissists. It sounds like your husband has some of that, too.

You have every right to be upset. But you can’t change him. You didn’t cause his addiction, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. I think switching to a counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma and has an understanding of sexual addiction is an excellent idea.

I’d also encourage you to look into one of the 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts. There is SA-anon, SAA-anon and SAL12step (which has zoom meetings) I assume your husband is also attending 12-step meetings, but you don’t need to be in the same program as him. There is something so comforting in talking to women who just get it. There is also a thread for partners of sex addicts in the "I can relate" forum on this website, though that doesn’t replace the direct conversation I found so valuable in the 12-step meetings.

And boundary work. Get Vicky Tidwell Palmer’s 5 step boundary solution book

I too have PTSD from his betrayal. My ex did and still is working a recovery, complete with inpatient for SA. I tired reconciliation but even though he wasn’t acting out, he still lied about stupid things. I left him, and once I got over the nearly 30 years of trauma bonding, it has been a pleasure to rediscover who I am. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been, despite the occasional triggers

Good luck