As a BS, I had 2 sets of problems. First, to R, I needed to know my W loved me and desired me sexually to the exclusion of everyone else. And I had to figure out how to know if the A was a permanent or temporary rejection of me.
Second, and more important, I needed to come to grips with the ways my W's A impacted my place in the world. I had to answer questions like:
What, if anything, made me responsible for my W's cheating?
How could I have prevented her A?
What did her A say about me?
What did my sense of emasculation say about me?
As I read about recovering from being betrayed, and thought about it, and considered feedback from my therapist and MC and fellow SI members, I realized I was not responsible for my W's cheating; she did it because of her issues, not because of issues with me or our M.
I ...um... reached down, found my body intact, and realized my ...um... systems worked pretty damned well for a 66 year old man. I realized I feared emasculation, but in reality, no emasculation had taken place.
I realized my W could do nothing much to make me feel good about myself. Being awakened by a blowjob might be nice, and it might mean that she desired me sexually, but all that did was help make me lean to R - it wouldn't do much about making me feel good about myself.
I realized that even though my W's A was a rejection of me, I was still OK.
Most of all I realized I was OK, with or without external validation. My W's actions after her A impacted my R or D decision, but they did not impact me or my humanity. I came to know I would be OK even if my W turned out to be a great candidate for dumping.
I don't know you or your H, but one explanation of what your H is doing is that he's stuck in fear that your A proves he's not a worthy person. He doesn't seem to understand he has to heal himself. He's still demanding you to heal him. and he doesn't realize that external validation simply will not cure what ails him.
But that's only one way of describing the problem. I don't know what words will get your H to understand that he's responsible for healing himself, that he has all the resources he needs to do so (which means, in part, he has the resources necessary to get the help he needs), that he can D even if he heals, etc., etc., etc.
Right now, you're on the way to learning that external validation doesn't fill up any internal holes. That means there's a big mismatch between you and your H.
Yes, your A may be the reason you're at this impasse. Yes, the impasse may mean you'll both lose something of great value. But ending the impasse is likely to be good both for you and for your H, even if ending it means D.