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Wayward Side :
4 years since dday


 Change4thebetter (original poster member #69802) posted at 10:06 PM on Sunday, February 5th, 2023

It has been 4 years since dday 1. This is one of my biggest regrets. That there was more than one dday. Despite all of the doubts many had regarding my many forgotten memories, the result of trickle truth and multiple ddays caused my BS so much unnecessary hurt and pain. Seeing his anguish with each new discovery and setting back the hurt and healing to day zero is something I wish I could undo (yes, of course I wish I could turn back time and not have any A’s in the first place). For any new waywards, I implore you from experience not to do this if you care to save your BS and your relationship. Just lay it all out there if you are able or do the bulk of the investigating yourself so you don’t have surprises and new details resurface. Your twisted mind thinks you are saving them from more hurtful details but you are causing unimaginable and possibly irreparable damage.

I did a lot of work. We did a lot of work. We are both still doing the work. It took years. It will take many more. He is not "over it" but he is now a happy and healthy family man. These days we are in a good place. Our marriage is in a good place and I am so thankful to this community and all of your support to get us to this place. It’s not a perfect place but we are in a better place. There is laughter and love and hope.
You can have this too but you have to do the work… and it is HARD work but it is worth being broken down to build yourself back up.

WW 34
BH 31 (SaddestDad)
PA/LTEA 3 years. M 5.5 years.
Grateful for each moment that BH gives the chance for R.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
Maya Angelou

posts: 138   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2019
id 8776313

ReluctantEmu ( new member #82500) posted at 4:58 AM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

Thank you for posting this. Coming from a wayward nearly a year from DDay, I understand that I have a tough 4 years ahead of me too. But I'm not giving up, and your post illustrates that failure often hinges around not being consistent. Thank you!

Me: WW (33),Him: BH (33)

LTA from Nov 2020-Feb 2022

In recovery

posts: 5   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8776334

WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 11:59 AM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

I’m so glad to hear your update. smile

I want to say that 4 years was the time it took to realize that we could make this work. We also had more healing to do, but we both had hope and were able to see the future together again.

Take your time with healing. Do what needs to be done. Sit in it and explore the things that still are eating at you. Enjoy that feeling of connectivity and hope.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15891   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8776338

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 2:28 PM on Saturday, February 25th, 2023

Hi Change,

I jumped on for the first time in awhile and saw this update!

I'm happy to hear things are going well for you and BH. And that your healing and work is ongoing.

I sometimes think its largely disheartening when a new BS or WS arrive and are told that the timeline 2-5 yrs is what it takes to reach some kind of "normal" semblance (only if the WS is doing the work and creating a safe place for our BSs to heal)

But it's true. In the moment it may feel like a lifetime but when one is in the trenches doing what needs to be done you get on the other side of 3 years in a blink of an eye hardly able to recognize the you from where you started and you begin to see your BS come back to life.

Don't let that time frame intimidate you.

Take your time with healing. Do what needs to be done. Sit in it and explore the things that still are eating at you. Enjoy that feeling of connectivity and hope.

Well said WOEZ

WS, you truly have an unique opportunity before you. You are standing in front of a door and through that door is a new way of life. It's not obtained easily you will have to work for it, but in this moment we have a real chance to give our life meaning beyond lying, cheating, and living in the shadows.

Congrats Change! I love seeing progress and healing.

posts: 2591   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8779371

SkipThumelue ( new member #82934) posted at 1:43 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Thank you for sharing this. It will be 4 years for us in May. I was already in IC and working with my therapist toward self-disclosing when a former EAP outed me. I told my wife everything. We're in a good place now too and I'm incredibly grateful for the amount of grace she's shown me.

DD: 5/2019
Reconciling and extremely grateful
I do not accept PMs
"The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself." - St. Augustine

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023
id 8779573

MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023


Congrats to your and your husband for working through this muck.

I did a lot of work. We did a lot of work. We are both still doing the work. It took years. It will take many more.

So,so very true.

In a strange way, my D-Day was the catalyst to do the work on myself and my marriage that I/we needed to do. The regrets of cheating on my wife grow more with each passing year. I understand exactly when you say you wish you could turn back time and make those changes in the first place.

WH 53,my BW is 52. 1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015. Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday"
To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 680   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8779850
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