I wanted to post an update now to how I screwed up, so that other people can read and think twice.
I made my previous post when I felt that my feelings for my H started to return. However, it was when I had intense intrusive thoughts about my AP and his ex girlfriend and I started to resent my AP in favor of my husband because of this. I obsessively kept imagining them doing things in bed several times a day and I wanted the thoughts to end, so I seeked solace in my husband.
We were still in contact and I kept bouncing back and forth between both of them, wanting to leave my H one moment, then wanting to stay at home and cut all the contact with the AP.
I thought many times about finally leaving my H, but my requirement was that unless I meet my AP in person, I won't do anything. So in March we decided to meet up for just a day for coffee and that was supposed to be it.
But me, as a cheater and a disgusting liar, decided to go to meet him for a few days, using as an excuse my need to spend some time alone.
Obviously,as a result, I "fell in love" with the AP even more.
The guilt was killing me and I admitted everything to my H and asked for a divorce, so that he doesn't have to be with a shit like me.
My H was heartbroken, but still refused to let me go, telling me I'm not myself anymore and that my AP will hurt me in the long run.
My AP started to push me again to actually file for divorce so that we can be together, but deep down my gut feeling was telling me that, first of all, I'm not yet ready for it, and second of all, that I'm making a mistake, because I'm leaving someone who loves me unconditionally for a complete uncertainty and unknown. Plus, I would lose literally everything I have in exchange for him.
In the meantime, my H and I went for a trip abroad that we planned 3 months ago, and we started to get a bit closer to each other, but part of me still resented him after cheating on him. I didn't want any intimacy because I felt like I'm cheating on my AP. At the same time, my "need" to talk to AP started to diminish.
When we got back I asked again for a divorce in heat of the moment, without being completely sure if I want it. I started to pack my stuff my heart was racing like crazy and I felt pushed by the AP to do it, which caused me to resent my AP to the point where I went from being madly in love with him to barely talking to him. Deep inside I didn't want to leave the place I considered my home and where I felt considerably safe, just alone.
My husband and I decided to sit together and talk things through. I admitted I'm struggling a lot to cut contact with AP because I convinced myself I don't love my husband and I love the AP. The truth is that I don't have any romantic feelings towards my H at all. On the other hand, I know it's more like being obsessed about my AP than true love. The truth is that it's the chase for "a better life" with my AP that wants me to do it. I desire him sexually and apparently I became quite possessive of him. My husband pointed out that it's my desire for a romance and freshness that we had once at the beginning that keeps this affair going. That I seek what has been lost between us, and I found it outside the marriage.
My H loves me so much he's ready to forgive me everything, but we both would have to change A LOT to make things work. He also suggested that maybe I started to develop bipolar disorder. My mother suggested that as well when I talked to her. In the mornings I can't sleep because I have intense fears of either leaving my marriage, then throughout the day, when I start to ruminate about my AP again, the feelings change and I think about divorce.
The truth is that if I really felt bad in my marriage and wanted to leave, I would already do it. I have trust issues towards my AP, and at the same time I don't have romantic feelings towards my H. He doesn't drive me sexually or romantically anymore.
This has been going on for a year and I'm completely lost. IC didn't help me at all and I'd say it even made more mess in my stupid head.
I thought what a horrible person I am and I even thought about suicide and overdosing the sleeping pills to end myself. I cry most of the day from both hurting my H and AP.
For now I moved to my parents to separate from both H and AP. I asked my parents to babysit me, so that I actually don't talk to both of them. I have hopes that it will allow me to see through all my feelings that I keep succumbing to. Also I'll book a psychiatrist appointment to change the meds and try to get some diagnose (or maybe I'm just stupid).
I really need help, I have nobody to talk to about it, I feel alone with all this...
[This message edited by ToffiCake at 10:10 AM, Saturday, May 13th]