I can't let go
At the beginning, I would like to beg you people not to judge me. I know what I did wrong and I suffer for it, and I will be suffering for a long time. I already barely eat, sleep, I have no joy in life anymore.
I've been married for 5 years, but me and my H have been together for 12. I've met my affair partner in an online game a few years ago.He always knew I was married. Me, my husband and him got along pretty well, although me and him were a bit closer. You could say we were good friends, we had a lot in common, we really enjoyed our company. We talked together, spent time together, we played together. My AP met his girlfriend not much later than we met online. We added each other to Facebook and started to talk about everyday life.
At some point I would share my thoughts about my marriage and the issues we had in life, how I was upset with my husband sometimes, and he just listened. I did this in a good faith that he is my friend and I needed someone to support me other than my family. My husband didn't listen to me at that time, I felt neglected. I felt like I'm alone with my problems, and my AP was there for me.
One day, after about 3 years, he started to flirt with me. That was almost a year ago. At the beginning I thought these were just jokes because, after all, we were best friends, but it went further and further. He became more obvious with his flirts, but I didn't protest, because he was the one who made me feel better and appreciated. I felt loved, I fell in love with him. Finally someone neededed me, someone cared about me, which, after 12 years of being together with my husband, was lost somewhere in everyday life. We really enjoyed each other's company, we liked to talk about everything, we shared a lot together.
After some time my AP started to plant ideas in my head that my family is terrible because they neglect me, that they are the reason I'm unhappy, and that my husband is a douche, and I deserve better. He badmouthed my husband to his friends and said what a failure he is in his marriage, without knowing him at all. The AP would make promises how he would never leave me, that I could have a great job in his country, that we would never be bored together because we share so many interests, that he would let me do what I want to do (and vice versa obviously) and I'm the lady he was dreaming of all his life. I also started to believe that he is the love of my life, that we are a perfect match and we can have a bright future together. My AP would say how great I am for listening to him, for being able to have a conversation without judging, and he implied that even when we disagree on something, we don't argue. When I asked about why it all started for him, he said the feeling started to build up at some point and he didn't understand it. But he was convinced it is love and I believe his feelings, to this day, are genuine.
I started to think that maybe I should really leave my marriage. I had thoughts that maybe I don't love my husband anymore since I fell in love with someone else and maybe my life would be better with AP.
My H found out about us, because I started to behave differently. My affair lasted for a month, but it built up over a period of half a year. I told my H I don't love him, that I'm really tired of his stupid family that made me miserable for all these years (which is true by the way, but I don't want to give any details). I hurt him deeply and I really regretted seeing him like this. It was 2 weeks of a total nightmare, for me and for him.
However, he made me see what I was really doing. How I simply went mad for one person. It woke me up.
My AP started to be very pushy after this, he would tell me I deserve better, that I should leave my husband asap. The truth is, I wasn't even ready to leave. It all happened so fast, that I didn't even think everything through. I started to question myself - okay, but how am I going to work there if I don't know the language? How are we going to live together if his girlfriend is there, living with him, unaware of anything? Would he help me pay for my rent? Would I cope living alone in a foreign country if all goes south?
So I decided to end the affair. I started to see through his messages that maybe he's not a person for me. A person with very little empathy, claiming to be very commited while he was still with his girlfriend. He would send me the pictures of the beautiful nature, tell me that we will come here one day, while he was with her on a walk, and I was here, fighting with my husband, not wanting to sleep with him in one bed. My AP would even snap one day about how he almost went to bed with her, but he said he felt bad about it and stopped it, and that was already when he was flirting with me.
My husband has been fighting for me, even though I didn't deserve it.
We went on a therapy, and it helped a lot. For a while.
I was naively thinking that maybe we all can get over it and maybe the friendship with my AP that we had prior to the affair could be fixed. I have been in touch with him for half a year after DD. I was doing okay for the most part, the feelings for him were very dim, I didn't want anything from him. Sadly, after half a year, my feelings for him revoked because we became intimate again and I started to think about leaving my marriage and being with the AP. Truth is that there hasn't been a day I wouldn't think of him. I miss him greatly every day and I struggle to let go.
At the same time, I feel terrible for hurting my husband. He doesn't deserve it. And that makes me think that maybe he would be better without me. I feel like an awful person that hurts everybody around. Sometimes I just want to end myself and be gone forever.
I struggle with letting AP go, I still want him in my life even if I know his promises were unrealistic. Even if I know he has been unfair to me. I know that if I leave my husband, I will be left completely alone and dependent on my AP. And I know my husband fights for me, and he's upset that he has to fight for me with the idealized pictures in my head. He has been talking to me about it for almost half a year. He has courage to talk with his own wife about her AP. He has been trying to rationalize everything the AP said to me. He has been trying to show me my own destructive behaviour and how it impacts me.
I'm aware of the fact that the whole thing is in my thoughts, and not in the reality. Me and the AP never met. I don't even know what our interactions would look like in real life. I don't know him whole. I fell in love in what I've been given through the internet camera and in games. But I really struggle to let it go, I struggle to change myself for my husband and I need support.
I tried to cut the contact twice with no success. This is the third time I'm trying to get through this. He is still in my mind and I think about him daily. I keep imagining how my life would look like with him and not my husband. I keep focusing on what I don't like about my husband and I cherish the good sides of my AP.
I don't believe in myself anymore. I believe I'm an awful person and I will never forgive myself for getting into it. I lost my husband's trust and I lost my best friend (the AP). I can't bear the thought of not knowing what is happening to AP, and how is his life going. And how is he doing without me.
I also struggle to cope with him not being around me anymore, not adoring me anymore. I felt important to someone else than my husband and it's gone.
It's not like I'm unhappy with my marriage. We enjoy spending time together, we never argue. But part of me misses something. Everything is too stagnant perhaps. I don't really know.
I regret cheating. It ruined my life, it ruined me as a person. I feel like I have absolutely zero respect to my husband and his feelings and I'm disgusted with myself. All I wanted was to be happy.
Please, I need support that there is hope for me to be happy with my husband. I'm trying, but I keep failing.
24 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023