I'm sorry that you are feeling so afraid and unsure. I think many WS's, while having an affair, don't have a clear and realistic view of what the consequences of an affair will be like after discovery (or we just don't allow our thoughts to "go there"). TV and movies would have us believe that infidelity is something that a spouse will just "get over" pretty quickly, so we often just compartmentalize those thoughts and feelings like we do everything else during an affair. Then, when it happens, we feel blindsided instead. In hindsight, it sounds stupid (because it is) but I see it over and over again.
Infidelity is one of the worst trauma's an individual can experience, perhaps the very worst, right up there with the loss of a loved one, a horrible accident, or contracting a fatal disease. Why is it worse than those things? Because none of those things were done purposely with the intent of betraying and harming you. When a loved one dies, we lose their presence in our lives and that is deeply painful. However, their death is not a betrayal. They didn't die because they don't give a shit about you, and they didn't die because it was more fun than being with you. Moreover, the rest of your world remains intact. You still have your other loved ones to lean on, and it's not as if you suddenly can't trust others to not drop dead. It doesn't reflect your own self-worth.
Infidelity on the other hand, is the exact opposite. It is always done "on purpose", and it always, by definition, includes betrayal, lying, deceit, and a complete and utter disregard for your feelings and welfare. When you are cheated on, the people you trusted the very most in this world to always have your back, and to have your best interests at heart, instead kick you to the curb and plunge a knife in your back. The person being cheated on (the BS) feels as if the rug was just pulled out from under their feet. If the person they trusted most in this world, who promised to love them and put them before all others, just straight up fucked you over, then... does trust even exist? Can they trust anyone? Was everything the cheating spouse said a lie since the day you met? Do they love you or hate you?
The truth is, it's not just trauma, it's compounded trauma. Most people, when traumatized, still have a "support system" of people who love them and who want to help protect them. With infidelity, not only is your usual support system (your spouse) gone, but now you can no longer trust anyone at all (because you've learned that even people who claim to love you can lie). And that's the real issue. People tend to get very hung up on the sexual aspect of infidelity, and of course, that's part of it. But the worst part is the loss of trust, the loss of self, the loss of a feeling of safety, and the inability to even comprehend how to live in a world where the people you love can treat you like you are less than garbage. That's why infidelity is often a deal-breaker. To the BS, it can feel like living with someone who tried to murder you, except that now, they are wondering "why you are so upset and why can't we just snuggle"?
Add to that the knowledge that your lover was able to give you things that you desire, whereas your husband did not and cannot... well that doesn't exactly encourage further exploration on his part. It is just another reminder of the ways that he is inadequate for you, and how those things were/are clearly more important to you than love and trust are.
I don't say any of this to hurt or insult you, we're all WS's here and we've all done the same horrible things to our spouses. But I want you to understand that this isn't something he's going to simply "get over". It's not as if he's mad and it will subside. He's devastated. He's not even the same person anymore, and that wasn't his choice. So when you wonder what he's feeling or where this is going, just know that... there is no upside for him, no reason to stay, to forgive, or to care about you in any way. If it is your desire to reconcile (and if it's even possible) then you're going to need to give him reasons to think and feel otherwise. What exists now, sucks. No one would or should stay in the angry aftermath of infidelity. So if you want to open the door to something more, that means things have to change. YOU have to change, and so does he. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he's ready to seek counseling yet. But don't let that stop you from doing whatever it takes to work on yourself in the meantime. If your goal is truly to try and fix what was broken, then maybe it will begin by him seeing you make the effort to change. And if it doesn't... well, you are still going to need to be a healthier person in order to live your life and move forward.
Understand that the marriage is already over, regardless of the fact that you haven't split or divorced. It ended the day you cheated because you "broke the contract". That's why it can be difficult when we convince ourselves that we need to "save the relationship". But it can't be saved because it's already gone. So the only option is to move on separately or to build something new together. The first option is pretty straightforward. Building something new is harder, but FWIW, it can result in a new, healthier relationship that is based on reality and honesty and informed choice.
You've received some wonderful advice and comments so far, please re-read it all and consider it carefully. Some time or space apart is a scary thing to be sure, but to honest, where you at right now isn't a picnic either. My advice is to stay the course. Work on yourself, FOR yourself, and work hard on figuring out what factors in your life allowed you to cheat in the first place. More importantly, figure out who you are and who you want to be. Then go do the work to make that happen. Only you can control your own happiness.
If you and your husband are meant to survive this then you will, and if not, then honestly, that's for the best as well. Loving someone doesn't mean you can be in a relationship with them. Relationships are what you make of them, they don't change who you are.
One last thing. I am in year 7 after D-day. I had my head up my ass for 3-4 years and just wasn't really R material despite my sustained efforts to get and be better. But I did. The thing that helped me the most to move forward was letting go of the outcomes. I accepted and even learned to embrace, the fact that things were over. It allowed me to stop panicking over things I could not control, and better yet, it allowed me to stop worrying about my OWN needs and fears, which opened a door for me to honestly care about HER needs and fears. And let's face it, that's what was really needed all along. Once I wasn't a selfish, needy little prick 24/7, and could show her empathy and concern and ownership, that helped her to let her walls down as well, and things started to improve rapidly after that. So, as scary as it seems, do what you can to let go of the things you can't change. If the worst happens, at least you won't be surprised. And if things turn out better? Well, then they turned out better than expected.