SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

His house is on the way home from my kids school. She was there. How does he get to just move on with someone else and I'm online posting on infidelity forums.

I know I'm doing the right thing leaving, but my God. The pain is sometimes unbearable. I miss him so much and still fantasize about him coming back begging. My head knows that he's a bad choice but my heart misses the person that I love. I have loved this man more than anyone else in my entire life. I could not tell you where I began and he ended. I think back on our last day and I cannot remember the last time we kissed and it fucking kills me. I wish I'd like hugged him longer or something. I know it sounds stupid

I was speaking to my friend via text tonight. The one I called immediately when it happened. I loved his kids. My kids love him. He seemed like he loved them. I'm disgusted. I'm sad and I'm so alone. It has been 15 days since Dday. And he's out happy and in love and all I want to do is be sick.

I actually had a good day today. And then this. I feel like I'm back to day 1. I think day 1-3 is the worst. To be honest, it was easier the first go around. This time I really let my guard down and for the first time in our entire relationship I really trusted him. In my mind I know somewhere he loved me as much as he is capable of. But at the same time I feel stupid.

Why do betrayed people feel shame. Why do we feel embarrassed and like WE should hang our heads. I think it's the rejection. I don't know. I am just ranting here because I am done for good and have been NC since!

What you're feeling is completely normal. You've just went through a very traumatic thing so it's normal to have up and down emotions. I'm so sorry for you bc I remember how it feels first finding out the one person that's supposed to love you the most could betray you in the worst way. It really rocks your world. Allow yourself to be angry. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to miss that person you loved. As some have said here before you are mourning that person, that relationship almost like a death. You will go through those same emotions and then once you feel a little better you may go through them all over again. But it's all normal and part of healing.

As far as the shame, that's normal too. It makes you feel like you did something to cause it. Like you're not good enough, etc. But you ARE good enough and you deserve better. Him cheating is a character flaw HE has. None of us are perfect. It is a choice to cheat and a selfish one at that. Hang in there. It will get easier. I promise. You have a great community here for support.

My post-d-day MC and ICs said I felt shame because I was generating self-talk that told me being betrayed is shameful. Perhaps I was telling myself I was to blame for my W's cheating. Perhaps I was telling myself I deserved to be betrayed. Perhaps I was telling myself to reject me. No matter what the messages were, however, they were self-generated - in MY head, not in reality.

We all hear anti-BS messages as we grow up and live our lives, and it's impossible not to accept some of those messages. BSes have been the butt of jokes for ages. Greek myths include tales of infidelity. IIRC, there's a scene in The Odyssey in which Hephaestus, a blacksmith, welds iron rings around his W and Ares while they're having sex. I thought it was pretty funny when I read it; now I'm not so sure it's much of a laugh riot. I'm pretty sure Chaucer has a tale in which a cuckold is the butt of the whole story. So it's pretty normal to feel shame at being betrayed.

Part of healing is changing that self-talk to something more reasonable. WSes usually cheat when their BSes aren't around - they do it on their own, without the BS's help or connivance or approval - it's all the WS's choice. The BS simply isn't responsible for their WS's behavior.

And it's the WS who did the shameful thing.

For the BS, feeling shame is the problem, even though it's normal. The cure is to change one's self-talk, if only because society is too afraid of being betrayed not to make a joke of it and not to blame the BS.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:17 PM, Friday, January 6th]

How does he get to just move on with someone else and I'm online posting on infidelity forums.

Because unlike him, you ate doing the hard work and it will pay off in the future.

For 3.5 years, I had to drive by the AP's workplace on the way to my work. It stopped bothering me after I realized that every day I was improving myself and every day he was stuck in his dead-end job, using his tired old shtick, trying to bag the next lonely, middle-aged wife for his collection.

The best revenge is living the shit out of your life. You got this.

Someguy and sis you made my freaking night. Someguy youre so rigt. Live the hell out of my life. Im studying for my PMP and will be taking the test in a month. Im going to double my income next year.

"schtick